New Poem

[ken_01123]

Hello everybody,

I wrote a poem today at work. Normally I write songs but the mood took me so and I wrote this. I hope you like it.

---

BEGINNINGS

It’s poetry in motion
For this simple f*cking game
I stepped on all your idols
And still this worlds the same

It’s tempting for the masses
To constantly consume
A victory of nature;
One man on the moon

Or a single Vauxhall Nova
Abandoned in a park
A rusty burnt out engine
Glows silently in the dark

A thousand empty promises
Speak of nothing
To a soldier on the battlefield
Giving all, for a country who

Didn’t care for a life
Or, is it just a waste?
A simple rash decision
Though the parents who made haste

Have a lot to answer for
For those that are in charge
Try to lead with bravery
That so often ends in farce

A sparrow in the forest
Chirps away
Knows not of the future
Only of today

---

[Little Gal]

I like the way it goes from d start to d end, a sort of rugged uniformity ...
however, I am unable to relate with the name "BEGINNINGS"...
The idea is perhaps a little loosely woven, but it has an impact nevertheless...
Just love the lines
"A sparrow in the forest
Chirps away
Knows not of the future
Only of today"

[j.hart]

it sounds to me like the lyrics to a great song, actually.

[Revolte]

This would be better suited for the Personal Poetry section, there are all kinds of wonderful people and poets there.

But as for the poem itself, at first I felt it was a little too aggressive and street, but seconds later I was happy that it was that way. I have two opinions on this actually. On one hand the final verse threw me off a bit and I feel it could be better without it, but the first would need to be taken off as well, from there if you changed a line or two so that the reader knows what you are referring to it would be wondrous. But I think doing that might take away from the aggressive energy of it and I don't think I would be happy with that.

There is one verse that made me go totally Gemini ^up there:

"Or a single Vauxhall Nova
Abandoned in a park
A rusty burnt out engine
Glows silently in the dark"

it suggests the making of a beautiful piece. *although you gotta be careful with the 'ark' rhymes because they often feel too forced, even if it wasn't, I do it all the time lol.

I quite enjoyed the street kind of feel of it though and it would be a wonder to hear this spoken with the same energy it reads.