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Cross
12-13-2011, 04:02 PM
Sighing hard, I stood and looked out of the kitchen window into the darkness outside. All was still, all was quiet, all was sunken deep into the tar-like darkness of night. I moved slowly to the door, my boots sounding with a deep, hollow thud at each step across the dirty floor. The mess of the kitchen was hidden from view in the shroud of night, all I could see now was the small amount of light penetrating through the foggy glass of the window on the door from the dusk-dawn light outside.
Stepping to the door, I reached up and secured my bandana over my mouth and nose, with a hard knot, I tightened it down until it pressed uncomfortably against my face; it would loosen, I told myself as I pulled my stocking cap over my unkempt blonde hair. Reaching back, I pulled my hood up to cover my head. The strong, musty smell of my leather bandana filled my nose and I breathed deeply, pulling on my heavy brown gloves. Reaching out, I opened the door slowly, hearing it creak loudly in protest of being awoken at such an early hour.
The cold of winter enveloped me, swirling into the old house, making it shudder and creak. Papers rustled and fell to the floor somewhere in the background as I stepped through the doorway. The frosty wood of the porch crunched and snapped under my boots as I thudded my way down the ramp to the cement sidewalk where my bicycle sat, whitened by a light layer of snow and frost. It glistened eerily in the light from the full moon, casting a long, wicked shadow onto the lawn.
Brushing it off quickly, I walked it through the yard to the driveway, grass crunching as if I were walking on a layer of broken glass. Reaching the driveway, I looked down the steep hill and into the darkness that awaited me, large jagged rocks coated the most part of the hill, making it impossible to ride my bike down, so I walked, slowly, into the waiting arms of the forest. The trees casting long, twisted shadows in the pale moonlight, they seemed to move in the stillness of the night, as if a ghostly breeze moved only among the shadows.
Moving quickly down the hill, all I could hear was my heartbeat pounding in my ears and the loud crunch of the rocks shifting beneath my feet. Almost to the bottom of the quarter mile gravelly hill, my breath caught as I heard what sounded like a giggle from behind me. Spinning, I came to face the darkness, a small bit of motion caught the corner of my eye and I turned my head, only to glimpse what looked like a small girl in a pale white dress, lit by the moonlight, move behind a tree, her face enveloped quickly in the shadow was broken into a grin, not one of happiness and joy, but of a malevolent and darker origin. Shaking my head, I moved on, faster than before, my mind was playing tricks on me in the moonlight, I told myself.
Not soon enough, I reached the smoother part of the forest lined driveway and hopped onto my bike and pedaled hard, but had to slow almost immediately as the potholes were too many to ride like a maniac.
"Why are you ignoring me?" came a high voice from my left, just as I crossed a small wooden bridge about five feet above a flowing stream. Looking sharply, I could see something white on the surface of a still pool of water a short way down the creek. Straining against the dark, I could make out the evil grinning girl's face, just as a cloud covered the moon and I was plunged into complete darkness. Her pale face was burned into my vision and wherever I looked I saw her pale blue eyes. Careening off the driveway, I felt my bike hit something hard and I was thrown over the handlebars and into a tree. Falling hard, I landed on a rock and rolled almost twenty feet down a hill, where I came to rest, lying face up, my eyes squinted hard.
Opening my eyes slowly, I sat up and looked around. I knew these woods like the back of my hand, but the normally beautiful and warm forest was cold and grey, completely unrecognizable in this pitch blackness. Standing, I began staggering back up the small hill, grabbing trees and dead plants in front of me to keep from running into anything; when finally I kicked my bike and hauled it up onto its wheels. Turning it back toward the driveway, a small ball of yellow light darted behind a tree, disappearing. Rubbing my eyes, I looked again, the yellow had lit up the forest for a moment, revealing my surroundings, and showing that the driveway was only a short way off. As I began trudging in that direction, a small dot of blue darted in and out of my peripherals, but, like the yellow light, darted behind a tree when I looked at it. Becoming more disturbed, I was almost running up the driveway, now on an uphill tilt. More and more of these colorful orbs darted around, just behind and to the sides of me, just far enough that I could notice them, but not so close I could really see them.
They followed me all the way up the hill until I broke from the woods and into a field. Slowing, I looked back down the hill to see the orbs floating in a circle, ten of them in all, all different colors of red, yellow, green, blue, purple, pink, cyan, orange, white and black. They hovered at the bottom of the hill, creating shadows in the trees, sending out a pulsating light, like so many satanic candles. In the middle of their circle, somehow shrouded in darkness, was the girl in the white dress, her hand raised as if it a goodbye wave, her grin turned into an unhappy frown, her eyes squinted almost shut.
Terrified, I didn't look back again until I made it through the field to the main road where I rode as hard as I could, trying to drive the terrifying images from my mind. After I made it to school, I calmed down a bit, knowing I was safe. And after a day of classes, I rode home, not worried in the least and humming a song. Along the way, I noted a white plastic bag caught on the limb of a tree, and a large rock sticking up from the surface of the water in the creek. I laughed, realizing how stupid I'd been. As I walked up the last hill though, I looked back down the driveway to see a small girl, her back to me, wearing a pure white dress with long blonde hair running down to her waist; walking away into the woods.

Cross
12-18-2011, 10:26 PM
Dang, not one comment. Must've been worse than I thought...hillwalker didn't even crit it...

mgobluebraelow
12-19-2011, 04:30 AM
It has a very nice flow. You relied a bit too much on descriptions and often they felt awkward. Focus on the plot a bit more. That is ultimately the goal of short story writing.

hillwalker
12-19-2011, 05:42 AM
Dang, not one comment. Must've been worse than I thought...hillwalker didn't even crit it...

Hillwalker's message service wishes to inform you that he is temporarily too busy - but promises he'll get around to this later today.

H :biggrin5:

Buh4Bee
12-19-2011, 07:36 AM
That is the coefficient of cool.

hillwalker
12-19-2011, 10:03 AM
Right – you’ve probably come across the phrase beware of what you wish… anyway, here’s a few observations.

A lot of writers begin a story by setting the scene. Sometimes it works well, tweaking the readers’ curiosity. Sometimes it doesn’t because it’s a static description that does nothing to drive the story forwards.
In your case you almost succeed. But you do need to edit out all the superfluous words that slow the opening passage down unnecessarily.

-‘ Sighing hard’ – does the quality of the sigh matter?

– ‘looked out…. darkness outside’ – no need for both obviously since you can’t look out into the inside.

- also ‘darkness’ has been used twice in the first two sentences – you need to inject variety into your vocabulary

- similarly ‘I moved slowly’ – surely you can come up with a better phrase that conveys the slowness of your movement.
Since you later mention the sound of your boots on the floor I reckon this aural image should be enough to inform the reader how you’re making your way towards the door.
That’s what the mantra ‘show don’t tell’ is all about. No need to ‘tell and show’ which is what you are doing in this sentence.

Finally you might consider trimming the closing sentence – do we need to know how messy the kitchen is? Plotwise it's insignificant so it can be left out. And you’ve come perilously close to repeating the first half of the paragraph – it was dark outside. We get the message.

Paragraph 2 although a little long-winded is ok by me. The reader senses there must be a reason why the narrator needs to keep his mouth and nose covered. Keeping us waiting adds to the tension quite effectively. I was expecting the woods to be enveloped in some sinister gas - the fact that it wasn't makes me wonder now was all that dressing up to go out really necessary? I leave that to you.
But I did like the personification of the door.

Perhaps having the old house ‘shudder and creak’ immediately afterwards at the start of paragraph 3 is pushing things a little too far though. In terms of steering the plot forwards we need to follow the narrator as he steps out – never look back unless there's a good reason.
It’s not relevant that papers ‘Rustled and fell to the floor’ inside the house and questions the plot perspective. Who was left indoors to witness the rustling and falling? Presumably no one so don’t confuse the reader by backpedalling.

Again this paragraph is a little too long on description towards the end – we need the pace to quicken as the action (hopefully) draws closer.

So the pace quickens because you are – ‘Moving quickly’ – see my response to ‘moving slowly’ above.

At this point I felt you hit a sticky patch. The quality of your writing suggests you weren't sure how best to drive things forwards.

- ‘a small bit of motion caught the corner of my eye’ is a really awkward expression. If you don’t already have one, get your hands on a thesaurus.

And the sentence beginning ‘Spinning, I came to face the darkness….’ goes on and on and on. By the end it doesn’t make as much sense as you might think. I suggest you rewrite it and break it down into distinct units of information.

The sentence that follows isn’t a classic either.

‘I moved on faster than before’ – uh? It’s rather a banal statement. How about ‘I quickened my pace’ or something similar. And ending with ‘Was this moonlight playing tricks with my mind?’ would again be better than the rather awkward phraseology you have used.

As for this next bit I’d seriously consider cutting it. It’s not great writing – filler at best:

Not soon enough, I reached the smoother part of the forest lined driveway and hopped onto my bike and pedaled hard, but had to slow almost immediately as the potholes were too many to ride like a maniac.

The rest of the story thankfully picks up the pace – apart from rather too much repetition again of the darkness etc.

You might want to retouch a couple of other bits also.

‘staggering back up the small hill, grabbing trees and dead plants in front of me to keep from running into anything.’
You can’t run when you’re staggering uphill – think of a better way of expressing what you mean here.

And later you’re almost running uphill – but almost is not a very helpful description. What were you actually doing?
It's your job to allow the reader to share your panic by showing how you had to scrabble through the undergrowth, how the thorns scratched your hands and the roots tripped your every step and the sweeping boughs tried to snatch away your bandana. We need to feel the action through your words.

I was dreading a disappointing climax once everything returned to normal and you wasted time telling us about going to school and a day of classes. But you managed to recover the situation by the end.

So overall I enjoyed this (believe it or not). You just need to pay more attention to vocabulary. The descriptions of the colours for example was really good. And look at how you have paced the story – imagine you’re scripting a movie. If the plot starts dragging then it's time for a quick change of scene.

H

AuntShecky
12-19-2011, 06:48 PM
The text is all jammed together and thus too taxing on these aging eyes. Can't read it as it is.

If you would like to go back and insert a space between each paragraph,
I'll give it a shot.

Cross
12-19-2011, 09:35 PM
I think I'm actually going to go back through and rewrite it, taking more into consideration what you've brought to light. Thanks much.

kangels4ever
12-21-2011, 12:29 PM
Interesting, but what is it about? I confess I'm lost on that point.

Cross
12-22-2011, 02:16 AM
Its about a bike ride to school. I saw a bag caught in a tree that looked kinda like a little girl in the moonlight. Further down my driveway, I could see yellow lights through the trees off in other neighborhoods, but you could only see them for a second while moving, that's where I got the inspiration.