Hunting

[evansan7]

I too know what it is to hunt,
To dream of catching the kill
In my tingling mouth,
Teeth sinking deep.

Muscles coil,
Abruptly still.
A thing in the distance, noted.
Too far? Too fast? Real?

The quivering joy of the hunt comes
Like a thing alive in itself,
An old friend,
Swift, clever, not wholly knowable.
Dear. True?
Too much to contain for long.

Like sunset’s fiery orange light melting down a dark wood porch,
Pooling like paint in a tray, ready for the easel,
She beckons.

There is a promise on the breeze,
She comes with that.
A whisper of something to chase.
And the world that would have been fades
Darkly in the distance,
For I cannot stop my feet from moving
And do not really wish to.

[hillwalker]

This is another fine piece...


...but (there's always a but)

I feel it would work much better if you omitted the opening two lines.

What you are doing is setting the reader up to approach it in a particular way - the narrator's statement intruding unnecessarily on the poem which is about the thrill of the hunt rather than about vegetarianism. The fact that you don't subscribe to the killing of other creatures for consumption or otherwise is neither here nor there.

H

[evansan7]

I did think about removing them before I posted it, but it made the poem feel very literal then... It was there not so much to be a statement about vegetarianism as to acknowledge that we're all hunters on some level, and to lay the metaphor out on the table from the start. Hm, it obviously didn't work, but I'm not sure what to do with that.

[cafolini]

I did think about removing them before I posted it, but it made the poem feel very literal then... It was there not so much to be a statement about vegetarianism as to acknowledge that we're all hunters on some level, and to lay the metaphor out on the table from the start. Hm, it obviously didn't work, but I'm not sure what to do with that.

Well, I agree that you are pioneering a moral issue. And why not? I'll leave them there. However, finding a way that doesn't have to be associated with vegan would be best.

[hillwalker]

It depends what you want to write about - and from which pov.

If you're writing as a hunter why do you need a disclaimer at the start. The poem brings to life the exhiliration of that primeval instinct to chase red meat in order to survive. Nobody is going to read what follows as a literal statement - it's a poem not a letter of application.

On the other hand, if you're proposing that you have made a conscious effort to avoid meat in your diet that's surely a different poem altogether.

H ?

[Bar22do]

I join the company of fellows who'd prefer this poem lost the first lines. I'd even suggest to show that you know what it is to hunt and therefore lose even the 3rd L as well, starting here:

(I too) dream of catching the kill
In my tingling mouth,
Teeth sinking deep.

Muscles coil,
Abruptly still.
A thing in the distance, noted.
Too far? Too fast? Real?

The quivering joy of the hunt comes, (you don't need comma here)
Like a thing alive in itself,
An old friend,
Swift, clever, not wholly knowable.
Dear. True?
Too much to contain for long.

Like sunset’s fiery orange light melting down a dark wood porch,
Pooling like paint in a tray, ready for the easel, (don't use "like" twice here)
She beckons.

There is a promise on the breeze, (nice line!)
She comes with that.
A promise of something to chase. (or, "She comes with that:/something to chase")
And the world that would have been fades
Darkly in the distance,
For I cannot stop my feet from moving
And do not really wish to.

- -

Hope the above is a bit helpful (just my thoughts, of course, to take or toss!).
Congratulations on this effort and best from Bar

[evansan7]

Ah, it's not meant to be a literal hunt. Introducing the poem by saying I don't even eat meat and have never killed (i.e. never hunted an animal) was kind of meant to invite the reader look at hunting as a metaphor. It's a pull that isn't just about going into the woods looking for a deer. I'm just a vegetarian as a personal choice. I'm not an activist and try not to write morals into anything... For me this poem was more about the thrill of suddenly finding something you want, almost hungrily. That sudden urge to chase it and leave other things behind. It's always seemed almost predatory to me, and much like my dog hunting.

I'm not sure if that improves the reading or not.

[hillwalker]

Ah, it's not meant to be a literal hunt. Introducing the poem by saying I don't even eat meat and have never killed (i.e. never hunted an animal) was kind of meant to invite the reader look at hunting as a metaphor. It's a pull that isn't just about going into the woods looking for a deer. I'm just a vegetarian as a personal choice. I'm not an activist and try not to write morals into anything... For me this poem was more about the thrill of suddenly finding something you want, almost hungrily. That sudden urge to chase it and leave other things behind. It's always seemed almost predatory to me, and much like my dog hunting.

I'm not sure if that improves the reading or not.

I think you need to give your readers more credit. I'm sure most of us realise this isn't a poem about hunting per se. Most poems use metaphors as a way of looking at something from more than the obvious perspective, Your reason for writing the poem makes the removal of the opening lines even more advisable. The fact that you're a vegetarian is of no relevance and telling us you are is a mere distraction. Trust me.

H

[evansan7]

Yes, I think I'm going to take the advice. It seems to have caused more confusion than anything. And I appreciate your suggestions, also Barr, and did incorporate them a bit. Thanks!