The Strange Affliction

[Fellsman]

I have a strange affliction, and it causes me much pain
A yen to rack my thoughts in rhyme, instead of English plain
When dining in a restaurant, the menu I peruse
I scan the various dishes - wondering just what I should choose.

The waiter glides across - "Sir, would you care to order now?"
Acknowledging my status with a deferential bow.
I said we'd have the rainbow trout with salsa verde sauce
"And might I order later should we want another course?."

And even at the grocery store, I can't but think in rhyme
I pick up swede and carrots then some tarragon and thyme
Then to the bakery section turning right two aisles ahead
I choose some toasted crumpets and some healthy wholemeal bread.

And then at last the checkout, and a stern-faced lump of lard
"Now how will you be paying Sir, with cash or with a card?
Because you're buying merlot, I'm obliged to ask your age"
I sigh with resignation, 'stead of flying in a rage.

But how to solve this problem, oh so troublesome to me
Instead of rhyme why can't my thoughts be unconfined and free?
At last I may have broke the code, for everybody knows
The answer's really simple, one must think one's thoughts in prose.

[hillwalker]

A tone-perfect piece of humorous verse with a jaunty rhythm and rhyme that seems to flow flawlessly from your pen.

H

[blank|verse]

Yes, it's an accomplished, humorous piece, written in loose six- or seven-stress lines, which can be altered to standard ballad lines.

Most of the rhymes work well, but I thought 'the assistant stares quite hard' was a bit of stretch.

It terms of content, there's a subtle dig at free verse being merely 'cut-up prose', which isn't the case to anyone who knows how to write it properly.

I'd consider changing 'with cash or with a card' (line 14) to 'with cash or credit card'; and going with an unclipped 'instead' in line 16 - you're not writing to a strict metre, so 'instead' is less intrusive. Enjoyable nonetheless.

[Fellsman]

I am grateful H, thank you...

[Fellsman]

Hi BV

I agree with you about the troublesome first line of the second last stanza and have made the necessary adjustment. I hope the PC police are kind to me...

I don't agree that it is "loose 6 or 7 stress lines". It is strictly 7 metric ft per line and changing stead to instead would certainly ruin the rhythm. If Shakespeare can use such devices, the rest of us should not be scared to use them.

I have recently been reading some poetry by Ovid in a bid to get to grips with elegiac rhythm. This discipline is too complex for me to write with any degree of competence, but I did try and use the hexameter element here.

There really was no dig at the free versers, but I do think where free verse is employed there should still be a nod in the direction of prosody and the astute use of metaphor, how else can free verse be distinguished from prose?

Lastly, I really am most grateful for your critique, I came to writing poetry (I have always read it) pretty late in life and appreciate all tips aimed at improving my writing.

That does not imply that I agree with EVERY comment, but I do realise that all critique on this site is given in good faith and is meant to be constructive. I will never take exception to such critiques.

Oh! And despite my Gilbertian allusion to "deferential bows" from waiters. I am a working class fellow from the North East of England with no airs and graces of any kind. I am definitely no Pooh-Bah!
Regards

Fellsman

[Hawkman]

Very enjoyable.

[Fellsman]

What a clever quote Hawkman - needless to say I had to look it up. Thanks for stopping by...


Fellsman

[Bar22do]

Fellsman! Where is my comment??? I sent one last night! and now don't find it here anymore! don't understand how these things happen (though I give up looking for reasons)... Anyhow,I wrote of your poem in the most laudatory terms, enjoyed it very much, its lightness, playfulness and easily flowing rhyme! A full success, IMO!

Best from Bar

[Fellsman]

Fellsman! Where is my comment??? I sent one last night! and now don't find it here anymore! don't understand how these things happen (though I give up looking for reasons)... Anyhow,I wrote of your poem in the most laudatory terms, enjoyed it very much, its lightness, playfulness and easily flowing rhyme! A full success, IMO!

Best from Bar

Thank you Bar

I am sure your previous message is hurtling somewhere through cyber space, :eek6: but not to worry, I am grateful for your kind review. Thank you.

Fellsman

[AuntShecky]

Amid the messages of gloom and doom, as well as the painfully-earnest missives of poets manque, it is indeed a relief and a pleasure to have a taste of something light!

I envy your speaker, though--not only for looking young enough still to be "carded" @ the checkout, but also for being able to afford the Merlot in the first place!

[Fellsman]

Dear Auntshecky

To get an approving nod from you is balm indeed to the embattled spirit - many thanks, and I hope Santa leaves a bottle of decent Merlot in your stocking this Christmas. :santasmil


Fellsman