Pond Dried Up

[evansan7]

*I haven't written any poetry for anyone besides myself before, so you'll have to forgive me if I flounder a little. Any constructive criticism would be appreciated!
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It’d been a while since I walked in those woods,
Down the bright path.
In the past I trod it daily.
My dog knew the way then.

But the weather turned dry,
The grass turned brown,
And the leaves on the evergreens shriveled.
Lonely branches, thirsty thorns
Were too much to contend with.
Even the blackberries were bitter.

I walked there today,
By my big pond drying.
Even when the rain comes, if it comes one day, it’ll be like that.
Field of aching brown ground where water used to be.
A ten foot mud puddle in a fifty foot hole.
Dried prints of deer leading to the brackish edge,
Markers of a slow receding.

It’s like an old friend curling in on himself,
A book swallowing up its tale to die in silence,
An eye closing in final weariness.

I sit under the oak tree and wonder if it wants to hear my goodbye.

[Twota]

Hello evan ;D
I really like the 2nd stanza, and the very last lines:
"It’s like an old friend curling in on himself,
A book swallowing up its tale to die in silence,
An eye closing in final weariness.

I sit under the oak tree and wonder if it wants to hear my goodbye."

especially the book swallowing up it's tale, awesome.

Thanks for sharing :)

[evansan7]

Twota, thanks so much for your kind comments! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

[hillwalker]

You display an ability to paint an evocative picture with words. One senses the narrator’s feelings as he/she revisits a place that had some significance in the past. There are some fine, delicate touches – ’thirsty thorns’ and ’field of aching brown’ and the penultimate 3 line verse.

But occasionally you have allowed rather mundane descriptions to creep in and undermine the elegance of the piece – in particular here:

‘A ten foot mud puddle in a fifty foot hole’

This might indeed be an accurate description of what’s there before your eyes but I think you could come up with a less prosaic statement to convey how the pool has shrunk and changed in nature.

And a minor grammatical point – verse 1 is written in past (and past perfect) tense so to maintain the sense you should be writing ’In the past I trod it daily’ not ’I tread’ which doesn’t make sense. It’s a bit like saying ‘Yesterday I go to work’.

It’s your first posting so well done for taking such a huge first step – keep writing and thank you for sharing.

H

[evansan7]

Hillwalker, thanks for your comments! I edited the grammatical mistake you noted. I agree with you that it reads at points a bit more like prose. It is my biggest struggle when I write either one--the other tends to creep in! It is just something I will have to work on.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Note that Hill cited just the one instance of prosaic writing although he mentioned that it happens elsewhere. I didn't find that; in fact I think there's a fine, natural rhythm throughout this, none of the lines carry any extra baggage and your images are vivid without being overly stressed. My only negative criticism is with respect to the last line, which bothers me 1) because it's the only instance of a pathetic fallacy and 2) it seems to be telling me how to feel about the preceding, whereas before it was always left to me to infer the feelings. In fact, I think the line before the last one would make a better and more dramatic conclusion.

But, yes, do keep it up!

[evansan7]

PrinceMyshkin, thanks for your comments as well and the encouragement. I did think the last line might be a little clunky, but I'm not sure what you mean by a fallacy? It's not exactly a line of logical thought (the poem I mean), so I'm unsure of your meaning... I'm thinking you must find it a bit sentimental. It's interesting that you felt it told you what to feel about the proceedings, as I meant it to be ambiguous--wondering what reaction is merited. Things for me to think on!

[PrinceMyshkin]

PrinceMyshkin, thanks for your comments as well and the encouragement. I did think the last line might be a little clunky, but I'm not sure what you mean by a fallacy? It's not exactly a line of logical thought (the poem I mean), so I'm unsure of your meaning... I'm thinking you must find it a bit sentimental. It's interesting that you felt it told you what to feel about the proceedings, as I meant it to be ambiguous--wondering what reaction is merited. Things for me to think on!

The "pathetic fallacy" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pathetic_fallacy) also known as the anthropomorphic fallacy is the attribution to inanimate objects of human feelings. I do NOT find the poem "sentimental" except for that last line.

[evansan7]

Thanks for the clarification!

[blank|verse]

Yes, it's a nicely written piece, evansan7 and a great first post. There are some strong images, and particularly imaginative figurative moments towards the end of the poem, but watch you don't over-do things and are just including them for the sake of it - they have to work with and enhance the poem.

I'm more in agreement with hill in terms of the rhythm of the lines. With free verse, especially for a calm, reflective piece like this, you want to achieve a greater balance between the lines, therefore reflecting the balance of the narrator's tone and thoughts. You could break the following lines like this:

I walked there today,
By my big pond drying.
Even when the rain comes,
if it comes one day,
it’ll be like that.
which are more 'balanced', but you have to watch you don't get too repetitive.

I too noticed the tense shifts, which perhaps could do with tidying up: 'I walked there today' [past] then at the end 'I sit under the oak tree' [present]. If both are correct, then perhaps 'an oak tree' because you've not told the reader which one 'the oak tree' is.

And it's worth paying attention to every word. Reading the first word of the poem 'It'd', particularly followed by 'been', you've got two dental sounds 't' 'd', followed by a plosive 'b' - that's quite difficult to pronounce. Maybe 'It's been' is better? Also compare 'those' (called a 'distal deictic', it refers to something in the distance, over there) with 'these' ('proximal', close by)

It’d been a while since I walked in those woods,

It’s been a while since I walked in these woods,
I liked the reference to the dog in the first stanza, but think the lines could do with flowing better, a bit of compressing the images and perhaps enjambed lines. (I'm also not a fan of the title!)

But overall, it's an enjoyable poem. It reminded me of Robin Robertson's 'Swimming in the Woods' (http://www.poetryarchive.org/poetryarchive/singlePoem.do;jsessionid=F7ADF1071DA22434CA8E04C4B 9A3D600?poemId=7614).

[evansan7]

Thanks for the read and comments blankverse! I did find the tenses a little tricky, but I ultimately think they are correct. I didn't feel "It's been a while since I walked in those woods" would work, as the narrator soon reveals that he just walked there today. It may read better if I ditched the contraction and just began with "It had been a while..." The other tense shifts you pointed out were intentional. The use of the phrase "those woods" instead of "these woods" was also intentional, as I didn't want the woods to feel close and nearby. I wanted them to feel separate, like a place the narrator had drifted away from. However, since the poem does end with the narrator in the woods in the present, I can see that there might be something of a contradiction there.

Thanks for the thoughts on the rhythm and flow as well; they are something I'll keep in mind!

[Bar22do]

Late for the party, but fully admiring your post evensan.
It is a fine piece of poetry, in which your talent is felt as also your straightforward, honest sharing of your inner world. Excellent!

My best regards and welcome,

Bar

[evansan7]

Thanks so much for your kind comments Bar! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

[Haunted]

a great debut evan. I actually like A ten foot mud puddle in a fifty foot hole a lot, it's such an original, unusual and compelling image, so is this:
A book swallowing up its tale to die in silence

Even the blackberries were bitter economically conveys two meanings and really has something I can sink my fangs into.

Hope to see more of your work.

[Buh4Bee]

I like the poem very much. I can easily relate to the woodland scenery, as what you describe is found in my backyard. I think you accurately capture the feelings of the naturalist mourning over a loss in the woods.