Humpty Skill

[natroyce]

Events accumulate to define myself
Experience cruelest mentor shattered me
Unable to put the pieces back in order
Peer judgment sentences of life
Caused loved ones cringe trying to heed them
Where I traveled was death's end
Yet somewhere back tracked to second chances
It's all meant to forge us
Not designed to destroy or shame
We run in tears looking for solace
So many remedies tried and advised
Within all available choices
Who can wonder armies of delusion
Near final steps in front of infant's trust
It is true kindness that surpassed all expectations

[hillwalker]

Hate the title (!) – I’m assuming it’s meant to suggest someone bouncing back from a painful experience rather than falling and breaking into pieces like Humpty Dumpty. Someone who has suffered a harsh criticism or an unkind act and is trying to recover.

But you are focussing on such broad generalities that it doesn’t actually tell us anything new. Rather than homing in on some more personal experience that might encourage your readers to sympathise with you, you’re just stating how life once sucked. No one reading this can feel your suffering (if there has indeed been any) so it’s impossible to engage with the emotions you are trying to convey.

Line 6 did seem to be trying to take us somewhere interesting – and the suggestion at the end that children are less judgemental so can make up for all the negative aspects of life deserves more exploration.

I just think you need to be more specific when choosing what to write about and try to rely less on sweeping statements that tell us nothing about why you chose to create this poem in the first place.

H

[natroyce]

Hi H

You are absolutely right all around

I am seeing my lack of courage in expressing my experienced pain

Part of me fears giving the event too much life, the other part trying to shelter others from what I consider to be dark nature of our species (which I know is arrogant and false)

I just might not be brave enough

Like always thanks

[hillwalker]

Noted - but you don't have to give any specifics or even identify the event, just give us a clearer glimpse of how it made you feel.

H

[AuntShecky]

I can't believe I'm disagreeing with Hill, but your title is what made me click on your piece.

Two problems with the verse itself:

Every line of your verse contains an abstraction--a no-no in modern poetry! A poem lives or dies on its imagery-- actual or imagined objects that we can see, hear, taste, smell, touch. The more specific the imagery (expressed in metaphors and/or similes,etc.) the more the poem resonates with the reader's actual experience.

Secondly, your lines are more like prose than poetry. They're very dry, straightforward: the style is almost like a textbook (except there would be more facts.) Experiment with different types of the poetic line, both metered and free, so that the result carries a kind of rhythm, as in music, which is what the word "lyric" in the phrase "lyric poem" implies.

Try again.

Poetry Manifesto (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=35382)