Tears

[sundarramchand]

Like the proverbial last straw,
The tears spring from emotions raw
each tear drop, a Kaleidoscope, nay, a hologram,
Full of rich imagery and tender emotions
Of countless hurts and humiliations
Of mellow days and nights
Of tender love making and memorable fights
Of delicate self indulgence and associated guilt
Of memories of faces by hope lit
No cause / incident shallow
No relationship or character hollow
A rich mosaic brought forth by irritation
And chaffing against the constant provocation
Grit-like, the incidents torment
The oyster to consent
and yield its pearls to the "cruel to be kind" intruder
A birth, A creation, A crossing of a border
between conception and realization
Like the millions of tender and esctasically painful release of passions
That accompany lovemaking,Nay more than that,
An entry into the pearly gates of Heaven

[hillwalker]

I can see you have put a great deal of energy and effort into this poem but for me it’s mostly hot air – it has no substance.

Starting with a tired old cliché is taking a huge risk – almost inviting negative feedback from the opening line. It doesn’t even make sense – why do the tears behave like the last straw (that broke the camel’s back proverbially)? Surely it’s the emotions that caused that final emotional breach and the resulting tears not the tears themselves?

You use the word ‘emotions’ twice incidentally - in lines 2 and 4 which is a little careless (or unimaginative). In a poem every word has to count.

You’re writing about tears apparently - but then you take us on an extravagantly overblown journey through your emotions and amorous adventures that leave us feeling nothing except motion sickness (or should that be emotion sickness?).
Many of your metaphors are difficult to picture - for instance, I don’t believe holograms or kaleidoscopes are able to transmit or record emotions.

Deciding to use the word ‘nay’ also made me cringe - twice.
When I see writers using archaic words like ‘nay’ I do wonder why. No one who speaks or writes English has used that word for the last 150 or so years unless attempting to sound comically quaint (I’m thinking Frankie Howerd – a British comedian and actor of the 1970’s and 80’s who used to say ‘nay, nay and thrice nay’ as part of his amusing repartee).
Perhaps you think it adds a certain elegance – making the poem appear more serious. Well I’m afraid it doesn’t. Similarly the self-indulgent use of speech marks enclosing ‘cruel to be kind’ – another dreadfully overused cliché. What’s all that about?

As for the rhyme – well, you have allowed it to hijack your poem so perhaps you’re not wholly to blame. Surely no one would choose to write back-to-front phrases like ‘emotions raw’ , ‘by hope lit’ , ’character hollow’ , or indeed ’The oyster to consent’ unless the freedom to write what they were attempting to write has been somehow been taken away from them.

It’s obvious you have a certain vision in your head of how poetry is supposed to look – how it’s supposed to sound and what it’s meant to signify. Unfortunately somewhere along the line you’ve strayed from the point of this particular form of writing – original thoughts expressed with clarity through subtle use of language – and chosen to follow your own personal style. But it ends up being rather vague, long-winded and quite unpalatable.
We're never clear what you’re trying to say to us because you have thrown so many images at the reader and so many half-baked analogies that we’re left bemused rather than enlightened.

I suggest you read some poetry to see how more talented writers are able to crystallise their thoughts into one or two telling phrases and allow the reader to fill in the blanks. I also suggest you try and decide what you want your poem to be about before letting your thoughts run away with themselves the way they do here. Keeping it simple is more likely to allow other readers to share your vision.

H

[Haunted]

The oyster to consent? You are trying too hard, I think.

[sundarramchand]

An updated version of the poem

Tears

Like the proverbial last straw,
The tears spring from emotions raw
each tear drop, a Kaleidoscope, nay, a hologram,
Like Indra's net of mirroring teary pearls
Images of Strong women and girls
Full of rich imagery and tender emotions
Of countless hurts and humiliations
Of mellow days and nights
Of tender love making and memorable fights
Of delicate self indulgence and associated guilt
Of memories of faces by hope lit
No cause / incident shallow
No relationship or character hollow
A rich mosaic brought forth by irritation
And chaffing against the constant provocation
Grit-like, the incidents torment
The oyster to consent
and yield its pearls to the "cruel to be kind" intruder
A birth, A creation, A crossing of a border
between conception and realization
Like the millions of tender and esctasically painful release of passions
That accompany lovemaking,Nay more than that,
An entry into the pearly gates of Heaven

[hillwalker]

An updated version of the poem


I could just as easily post an updated crit but I'd be repeating what I have already said. You've added a reference to Indra but this redraft is no better than the original unfortunately for the exact same reasons as already stated.

H