Bon Voyage

[Januar]

I look up to the stars and remember you
I remember how far you always are
I look out at the empty street
It reminds me of the emptiness within me
And the hole you left inside my heart
I go downtown hoping to lose your memory in the crowd
So I drive around with my car, and I remember you
For I passed by your favorite bar
I stay at home, lie in my bed
And put my pillow over my head
I force myself not to daydream
I finally manage to block you out
So I sleep out of exhaustion
But you visit me in my sleep instead
I guess I don’t try hard enough though
I got to admit it, for I know
That downtown is your favorite place
I go intentionally just in case
I would finally see you there
And I sleep to dream of you
I can almost see your face
And it’s not out of despair
For this very same bed we used to share

[hillwalker]

I think you only have the starting point of a poem here rather than the finished article. It needs a lot of work to make it remotely interesting to anyone other than the object of your desire. You need to give us something original to get to grips with - and unfortunately you haven't.

You miss your girl and when you go to bed you dream of her. That's it...

It's not exactly an original topic for a poem and you don't shed any fresh insight on the dilemma. There's not much poetry in evidence either to be truthful. Just a rather ordinary list of statements telling us what you did in order to remember her.

It can certainly be condensed to half its length without losing any sense. You repeat certain elements of the piece so many times that I began to switch off.

3 x 'remember's in the first 7 lines - 'empty' then 'emptiness' - and you drag us 'downtown' twice. It's a bit like 'Groundhog Day'.

You've also tried to introduce a rhyme scheme - it features in the opening two lines (resulting in that weak second line) and reappears towards the end of the piece for no apparent reason.
It doesn't improve matters. You end up writing clunky lines just so that there's an end-rhyme in place.

I suggest you read some of the other poems posted on here (some are very good - some are poor). You might then get a feel for the difference between poetry that others might enjoy reading and poetry that means a lot to the writer personally but falls short of satisfying most independent readers.

H

[Jack of Hearts]

It seems honest though. That's a great starting point. Hill gave you some really great advice though. Mostly this reader agrees that you're at the starting point, and what a great start it could be if you roll up your sleeves and get ready to wrestle with it.



J