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Fellsman
12-08-2011, 02:14 PM
Matty Clutterbuck is not the kind of name most people might forget in a hurry, it has a distinctly working class resonance to it not unlike the Lancashire Entwhistles and Holleringshaws. Suffice to say, you are unlikely to come across this particular name in Debrett’s Peerage.

Be that as it may, at the age of 92, Matty Clutterbuck was Merlinthorpe’s oldest resident and was revered as a life member of the village golf club, as well as Vice-President of the local Amateur Operatic Society, where until well into his seventies, he had sung with distinction in the chorus for more than half a century, his pleasant baritone voice just lacking the finesse required for a more high profile role.

He attributed his longevity to regular exercise, a three mile walk every day whatever the weather, and to being a lifelong non-smoker whilst enjoying the benefits of a decent glass of claret most evenings.

Now, all this you may consider pretty unremarkable, Clutterbuck being innately modest by nature, was simply typical of those Englishmen whose approach to life was fashioned in a bygone age, and who worked all their lives until retirement, and who paid their dues, served on juries and generally went about their everyday business in the kind of understated way typical of those who were once the very backbone of the nation.

Of course, a potted pen portrait such as the above gives only the merest glimpse of a man like Clutterbuck. One day, I happened to espy him sitting on the veranda of the Club House overlooking the eighteenth green, were he spent many an hour watching golfers complete their rounds, and he always knew simply by their demeanour how well they had played.

I called out: “Good afternoon! Mr Clutterbuck, may I sit here beside you?” The oldest member gestured me to sit next to him. Matty declined my offer to buy him a drink – “at my age, I know how to pace myself” he smiled courteously.

We looked out over 18th hole where a quartet were completing their mixed doubles match in fading light, the scene was idyllic with the golf course looking quite it’s best, framed under a reddening sunset against a backdrop of distant hills, a sight to gladden any heart.

“Isn’t this quite unsurpassingly beautiful?” I ventured. Matty gave a sigh, “I may just have that drink after all,” he said. “Yes, it does look quite beautiful now, quite beautiful indeed.”

Then, without pause, his eyes – I swear, tinged with a wistfulness I’d never noticed before, he began this tale of his youth from between the two World Wars.

“Aye, lad, it’s a beautiful sunset, but it wasn’t always like this…
I was still in my teens, and had just started walking out with the prettiest girl I’d ever seen, her name was May-Ellen, one day we were walking maybe a third of the way between here and yonder hills, it was a lovely day, not unlike today, and we were hand-in-hand, listening to a skylark, taking in the scenery and talking ninety to the dozen, of course, those days were an age of innocence, it was really hard work persuading her to even let me have a kiss.

We did get a little off the beaten track, and eventually decided to make our way back home. I decided to try a shortcut, May-Ellen had promised her parents that she would be home by 5-o'clock, and we had started to lose track of time. The short cut proved to be anything but, the tangled undergrowth and profusion of bramble bushes made progress very slow, and at times a bit painful.”

At this point, the old man’s voice trembled, and a stray tear traced a path down his weather-beaten cheek, he continued – “I got a few yards ahead of May-Ellen, trying to kick some of the bramble thorns out of her way, some way ahead I could see that the terrain looked a little easier. On my left I passed what seemed a small crater, paying it scant attention. At this point I heard May-Ellen shout ‘Don’t get too far ahead, I need a short rest.’

‘Here,’ shouted May-Ellen, ‘there’s like an old tin trunk in here, I will use it for a seat and rest a minute, my legs are getting quite tired.’ The old man paused once more, it was some time before he was able to continue – and there was a look of such sadness on his face.

“I decided to make my way back to where May-Ellen was stopping to rest, I was some fifty yards away from her when there was a most terrible explosion, what May-Ellen had accidentally stumbled upon was a forgotten stockpile of old World War One munitions.

She had no idea that the small coconut shaped piece of metal she had picked up was a live hand grenade, or that the small sliver of metal which she pulled to one side was the detonator pin… There was a terrific bang and two or three smaller explosions.

I reached her moments later, her right arm was completely blown away and there was a gaping hole in her chest, her lifeblood was staining the ground crimson. She reached out to me with her left hand, she had the sweetest of smiles on her pretty face – ‘Matty’ she said, ‘That was some firework display, you may kiss me now – if you wish.’

I held her left hand very gently as she slipped away, and I did kiss her so tenderly on her forehead, not that she ever knew anything about that, she was dead by then, and yet that smile was still there… Still there…

When I sit here looking out across that 18th hole and into the distance, I can still see May-Ellen, seventy five years on, and I can tell you this, she still looks as beautiful as ever, and I can still hear her angelic voice, there she goes now, ‘Matty, that was some firework display…'

AuntShecky
12-08-2011, 04:18 PM
I must confess that I lack the background to appreciate this story fully. Not only have I never heard of the Entwhistles and Holleringshaws, I've never even heard of Debrett's Peerage. (You don't need an apostrophe to pluralize family names by the way.) Nevertheless, I'll give it a shot.

At first blush, the tone and subject matter strikes me as a bit old-fashioned,the sort of the thing that might come from Saki or Kipling a century ago. It takes a long time to get started as well, because of the lengthy description of the crusty narrator.

I'm also a bit confused about the particular time setting of this piece. I'm no math whiz, but if the frame of the piece is set in 2011, with old Clutterbuck at age 92, that would mean he would have been born in 1919. We're told that the Clutterbuck's reminiscence takes place "shortly after the First World War," thus making him an infant. I can't figure out what the phrase at the end of the story-- "75 years on" means. Would that be since the anecdote happened, May'-Ellen's age today, or what? Confused!

Even with the "explosive" climax I have to say that it seems more like an anecdote, a shaggy dog story, or a tale. Even so, I don't believe a word of it.

Fellsman
12-08-2011, 05:33 PM
Hi AuntShecky: I accept your critique almost entirely, I did write this circa 2002 when I first started writing poetry, and this is my one and only short story, perhaps just as well, it was remiss of my not to update the time line.

As regards Debrett's Peerage, (the apostrpohe being correct here - as it is a possessive plural) I am surprised you haven't heard of that, knowing how so many Americans like to dip into all things Royal and aristocratic, it is a directory of every Royal and titled person in the United Kingdom.

Of course, some writers would be delighted to be compared to Kipling, however, I am aware you didn't write this as a compliment.

Thank you for your constructive critique, I will embark upon a little editing shortly.

Regards

Fellsman.

hillwalker
12-09-2011, 08:27 AM
Being on the same side of the water as the writer I wasn’t as perplexed by the Northern surnames. They reminded me of Bill Tidy’s ‘Fosdyke Saga’ – things always being "grim up North".

It is indeed written in a dated style that harks back to the earlier half of the last century; rather stodgy in places to be blunt. The narrative doesn’t exactly flow. And the author’s determination to give us the main character’s ‘potted pen portrait’ seemed intrusive rather than amusing. In such a short piece Matty’s history has no relevance whatsoever to the plot – but for some reason the narrator felt it his duty to tell all.

This intrusiveness is also reflected in the writing style. It is rather too long-winded. Using excess verbosity might have been a conscious decision - to suggest a bygone age of genteel pomposity. But it’s a huge gamble to take because the story does take a lo-o-o-o-ong time to get going.

For example, paragraph 2 is a single sentence of +70 words. It goes on far too long. In fact almost every paragraph has been spun out into single sentences. Hence the stodginess.

I was also conscious that half way through the old man’s narrative the author temporarily took over. It’s doubtful anyone would speak in this way when relating a story through conversation:

‘Here,’ shouted May-Ellen, ‘there’s like an old tin trunk in here, I will use it for a seat and rest a minute, my legs are getting quite tired.’

As for the climax – it was actually a let down. So much build-up leading to a rather unsatisfactory conclusion. It seemed as if you had rushed to finish it. Not so much a shaggy dog story as a damp squib.

You say it’s your first and only attempt at short story writing. I’m sure you have the wherewithal to conjure up another. Just keep the prose a little tighter – or at least vary the pace – and don’t go for such an explosive finale.

H

AuntShecky
12-09-2011, 04:41 PM
As regards Debrett's Peerage, (the apostrpohe being correct here - as it is a possessive plural)


No, I was referring to the unnecessary apostrophes in the two family names--the Entwhistles and the Holleringshaws.

I think I've heard of Burke's Peerage (is that right?) but not Debrett's. Just ignorance on this
American's part.






Of course, some writers would be delighted to be compared to Kipling, however, I am aware you didn't write this as a compliment.



Well, now that you mention it, maybe it should be a compliment. After I'd logged out -- because a certain party demanded that I get off the computer and get his supper--I had second thoughts about this piece o' writing. Now I think it could be a really funny parody.

But as a straightforward narrative, it's a little quaint. That's the original point I attempted to make.


Hope you do change your mind and post some more stories!

Auntie