Something I wrote back in '73...

[mrbranflakes]

Finally, the light turned red. It's my time to shine. My foot was like lead on the brakes. My dirty white Nissan screeched to a halt. I took my hands off of the wheel and, still focusing my eyes on the road ahead of me, reached into the passenger seat. I grabbed the brown paper bag. The scent made my mouth water. Here comes that euphoric state of anticipation again.. waiting for that ever-so-rewarding moment of bliss. I placed the bag in my lap and opened slowly. Once again the scent returned, this time blasting in my face like some sort of.. smelly wind? Actually nevermind that last part. It sounds gross.

Anyway, I opened the bag, but just then the light turned green. I had no time to waste, so in a complex yet very skillfully pulled-off set of motions I reached into the bag. I gripped the wheel with one hand, the burger with the other. Skillfully holding and unwrapping it at the same time with ONE HAND was no easy task. However, I am a master at these things. I leaned forward and took a bite. A big bite. The meaty goodness, pungent bleu cheese, and lettuce drenched in A1 sauce exploded on my palate. But alas, it tasted too good, and I lost control of the wheel, ejaculated thrice, crashed my Nissan into a wall, and died.

My lifeless body slumped over in the seat. Condiments smeared with blood on the windshield. Seeded buns and shredded lettuce decorated the grey carpeted floors. Bits of brain dripped down my skull and mixed with the bleu cheese on my lips and shirt.



An autopsy was later performed. Official cause of death: Carl's Jr.




finis.

[Jack of Hearts]

What to say about this? There's just so many things...

1. They had Carl's Jr. in 1973?

2. You were at least old enough to drive in the mid-seventies. Do you remember Blood on the Tracks being released?

3. This reader could really go for a hamburger right now.

4. Grotesque and amusing piece of writing, this is.






J

[mrbranflakes]

What to say about this? There's just so many things...

1. They had Carl's Jr. in 1973?
Yes, but from what I remember they did not have bleu cheese on their hamburgers. That was added to match the "bits of brain" line.
2. You were at least old enough to drive in the mid-seventies. Do you remember Blood on the Tracks being released?
Not really, no idea why. However I do remember my friend used to show up with that Desire tape and we used to put the speakers out the window..ha
3. This reader could really go for a hamburger right now.
Ditto!
4. Grotesque and amusing piece of writing, this is.
Thank you. It's a formula that's always come naturally to me.




J
:conehead:

[mrbranflakes]

Only one reply? Hmm. You people clearly do not know true art. Kafka is jealous and Bradbury envious.

[Jack of Hearts]

Well would've thought? Who would've thought a grotesquely written piece that features:

1. A horrific account of a car accident/death
2. A man 'thrice ejaculating' while eating a hamburger
3. 'Bits of brain' mixing with blue cheese on said hamburger
4. A 1973 Nissan

would have a fairly limited audience to cater to/would frighten off possible readers?

On the other hand, this reader probably won't ever be able to eat blue cheese on a hamburger ever again.

Isis, oh Isis, you're a mystical child
What drives me to you is what drives me insane
I still can remember the way that you smiled
On the fifth day of May, in the drizzling rain.







J

[mrbranflakes]

Fair enough. However I believe this sort of writing to be the apex of post postmodernism, and I
take solace in knowing that a kind and enlightened person such as yourself has taken the time to read and analyze it. :)

[Jack of Hearts]

No idea what any of that means, but sure. Happy to help. Why don't you keep writing and sharing it? If you do poetry, there's a forum for that. And one for your stories. This wasn't boring, so it might be cool to see what else you can do. Especially if this was really written in 1973. That was like, a hundred years ago. You've probably grown exponentially since then. So show us more stuff.






J

[Jack of Hearts]

Oh, and as a rule of thumb, the 'General Writing' forum gets the least traffic/responses. So there's that. Short Story Forum gets second most, plodding right along like a tortoise, and the Personal Poetry Forum is like the fastlane of this corner of the site.

Your piece was cast into a relatively still pond, in other words.







J

[hillwalker]

38 years seems a long time to sit on a piece of writing. And having read it a couple of times I’m wondering why you felt the need to keep it hidden away so long.

In terms of style I’m not sure what post-modernism is (or indeed was at the time this was written) but it reminded me of some of J G Ballard’s stuff.

It’s actually a little dated in the way it tries to be daring and off-the-wall, and although it was quite an enjoyable read a couple of things don’t work so well.

The second line for example – ‘It’s my time to shine’. I’m not sure what you mean here, and most of the piece is written in past tense but here you cross into the present .

‘smelly wind’ – the phrase stinks (and you acknowledge it). One wonders why you didn’t have the sense to take it out.

And the climax is actually an anti-climax – a puny combination of Hunter S Thompson and Henry Miller with a throwaway denouement.

But one does takes into account the writer’s age when this was penned – so let’s see what you have come up with more recently.

H

[Jack of Hearts]

38 years seems a long time to sit on a piece of writing.

Yeah, who in their right mind would stall around for almost 40 years?



Oh, wait a second...








J

[hillwalker]

Yeah, who in their right mind would stall around for almost 40 years?
Oh, wait a second...

Hee Haw!

H

[WolfLarsen]

I liked the way you switched your tenses back and forth. I love that! I do that to. Why not do some more of it?

The way you used smelly wind was very skilled. I liked it!

The piece feels very contemporary compared to some of the very conventional stuff that one reads in some anthologies entitled "The Best Fiction of 2011" or something like that.

Overall, very good piece! Better than some of the stuff I read in the Norton anthology. Please keep sharing.

[hillwalker]

I liked the way you switched your tenses back and forth. I love that! I do that to. Why not do some more of it?

The way you used smelly wind was very skilled. I liked it!

The piece feels very contemporary compared to some of the very conventional stuff that one reads in some anthologies entitled "The Best Fiction of 2011" or something like that.

Overall, very good piece! Better than some of the stuff I read in the Norton anthology. Please keep sharing.

I see what you did there - excellent critique. Your original take on this piece is inspirational.
Btw - do you read anything else other than the Norton Anthology (I'm assuming that's the bible for motorcycle freaks)?

H