Lorraine

[moonbird]

The doorbell rings.

Jackie takes out one pink earbud and answers the door. “Can I help you?” she asks through her glossed lips, absentmindedly tucking a golden strand of hair behind her ear.

The woman on her doorstep smiles nervously, revealing bleached teeth. She has light blonde hair with auburn roots starting to show through, and is wearing false eyelashes. “Hello,” she says in a faintly raspy voice. “My name is Lorraine Ricks. Are you Jacquelyn?”

Jackie looks at her suspiciously. “It's Jackie, and how do you know my name?”

“May I come inside?” She fiddles with her purse anxiously.

“My parents aren't home,” Jackie replies, glancing at her phone and seeing she has two new texts from her boyfriend. “They'd kill me if I let a stranger inside.”

For some reason, Lorraine winces as if Jackie's insulted her, but quickly she regains her composure. “Could you come talk to me on your porch? It's important,” she adds when Jackie hesitates.

Jackie plays with the fringes of her cheerleading skirt for a moment as she thinks. Finally she shrugs and steps out onto the porch. There are two wicker rocking chairs in the sunlight, and they each take a seat in one.

“Jackie...” Lorraine begins.

A small burst of wind blows across the yard. At the same instant, both women automatically smooth their hair. Jackie glances at Lorraine in surprise but says nothing as she returns her hands to her lap.

“Jackie,” Lorraine begins again, “you seem like a nice girl who knows how to be responsible. When I was your age, I wasn't like that. I... I was careless. I thought...” Suddenly she stops and asks, “Your parents, they're...?” She looks at Jackie questioningly.

“Kyle and Marie Davidson.” Lorraine's stare continues in silence, as if asking for more. Jackie lowers her head slightly and says, “They're my foster parents. I don't know my real ones.” She pauses, then adds, “I doubt I'd want to know them. I've heard they were a couple of deadbeats.”

“Who told you that?” Lorraine asks, her voice calm but her hands wringing each other tightly in her lap.

“Mrs. Harris. She owned the orphanage where I lived until I was adopted. That place was such a dump.” Jackie grimaces at the memories.

Again, Lorraine winces inexplicably. She asks quickly, “What did Mrs. Harris say about them?”

Jackie shrugs. “Not much. Just that they a couple of stupid teenagers who thought they were too cool for protection. Then when I happened, they got rid of me the first chance they got and ran off together to God knows where.” She squeezes her hands so hard her knuckles turn white. “That's why I don't want to meet them. I mean, what kind of people leave their own child to be raised by complete strangers? I'm lucky to have been adopted by such great foster parents. They love me way more than my real parents did.”

Jackie lowers her eyes suddenly. “I'm sorry,” she murmurs, embarrassed. “I barely know you. You probably don't care about all this stuff.”

Lorraine's face is tight, her expression impossible to read. She manages a half-smile. “It's alright, Jacqueline–– I mean, Jackie.” She stands abruptly, and Jackie does the same. For a moment their eyes lock, and they're both the same shade of deep green. Then Lorraine looks away, murmuring softly, “I'd better be going. It was nice talking to you, Jackie.” She turns and walks briskly down the path. Once she glances back, a wistful expression in her damp eyes. Then she climbs into her car and drives away.

Jackie stares after her.

[Jack of Hearts]

Hi moonbird-

This story is about a teenager answering her door to see a certain kind of lady standing there. Jackie doesn't suspect much of this person (and that's odd that she doesn't). We, the readers, are never explicitly told that this woman is Jackie's biological mother (though we are certainly led to believe it, even if for some reason Jackie can't put two and two together herself?).

It's an interesting situation you've set up and there are a lot of possibilities. It's hard to connect with this piece because it shows very little emotion. Probably the primary emotional element is the mom as she realizes her child's life is better without her. You haven't shown us why we should care though. What does it matter if this woman never reconnects with the daughter she abandoned at a young age? Surely it matters a great deal. Why has she come back now? How come Jackie doesn't understand the nature of her presence, yet gives a detailed account of her childhood in the orphange to her? Right now it feels like that explanation isn't organically coming from Jackie- it seems like it's totally there for the reader.

This reader thinks there's a lot of promise in this piece, but it needs to be worked out a little more. You most definitely have the ability to make it excellent, it just left your desk too soon.




J

[hillwalker]

You’re a proficient writer but I have to say the way the plot unravels is rather too neat and tidy - the way the two main characters act is rather contrived. It’s as if you are a puppet-master pulling their strings - having them behave the way you want them to so that the story ends exactly the way you planned it rather than allowing them to interact like real people.

It starts well enough, but even before we know the exact reason for Lorraine’s visit we do wonder why she chose to turn up unannounced and jump feet first into an emotional minefield. I can’t see anyone in her situation acting as impulsively. One would expect her to observe Jackie from a safe distance first and perhaps approach the girl at school rather than in her home. Considering what is at stake she seems to have no plan in mind – making it up as she goes along.

I also thought Jackie immediately volunteering so much information to a stranger – her parent’s names for example, and her rather tragic personal history - was suspect to say the least.

The clues you give the readers were handled well – the shared body language, hair colouring, etc. On that basis I’m sure you can come up with a better plot structure because there’s a lot of mileage in this story.

Don’t give up on it. Put yourself in Lorraine’s shoes and try to figure out what she really wants from the meeting and how she might best go about getting it.
Then put yourself in Jackie’s shoes and see how she reacts.
Situations like the one you have written about are never easy and the more awkward and uncomfortable you make the two characters feel towards each other the more true to life it will read. Who knows? It might even have a happy ending.

H