Dry Tongues

[BobbyIce]

This seems more like prose I'm sure, but I prefer it be labeled a poem. I'm still raw at my attempts of expression, but this piece in particular is closer to home regionally as well as personally. Comments gladly appreciated.



Master and slave out on the field,
Sweat gathering, and finding it's way
Onto their dry tongues.
Master says:

Power of life and death is in
you're tongue son.
Slave says:

Your tongue didn't put lash on
My back. Your hands did all that.

They smack lips and their cheeks
Glisten in the Coastal Plain sun.
Heat falls up from the boiling sand.
Master says:

Wouldn't a’ ever done it if someone
Ain't tell me you'd mind from it.
Slave says:

I don't mind from it. Your hands
Got all the power that makes you
The master. My tongue been too dry
To be killin' or birthin' nothin'.

Sun stays overhead, watching
The rice come up, and all the
Men down there with dry tongues.
Master says:

So you know better than me?
You, a slave? You won't get no
Water actin' like that.
Slave says:

I can't help you wrong. I can show
You. How about this: I'm the Master
And you a damn, dirty Slave.

Master strikes with a firm
Fist, and a few lashes from the
Cain stalk, blood tasted on a dry tongue.
Master says:

I ain't gone have you speakin' to me
Like that boy, you must be done forgot
You’re place.
Slave says:

My tongue is dry, see. I'm still your
Slave, and this blood on my tongue
Show you still the Master.

[BobbyIce]

There should be an indention at the beginning of all the lines of dialogue but the ones I added won't stay, I'm not sure how to keep them there once I post.

[hillwalker]

I agree - it's more prose than poetry. And the constand 'Master says'/'Slave says' doesn't help matters because it breaks the piece up into rather a disjointed dialogue.

Perhaps you could have chosen 2 fonts - 1 to signify the slave's speech and 1 the master's.

The only line that stands out was 'a few lashes/from the Cain stalk' (and I'm hoping it wasn't a typo).

H

[cafolini]

I wouldn't worry about the form. It has meaning in it, whether I agree or not. You just keep working it until you express the meaning best and are satisfied.

[AuntShecky]

The parts that aren't strictly meant to be in dialect should still conform to the rules of standard English diction:

its/it's
you're/your etc.

As to your question: Unfortunately, not every piece of prose becomes a poem because I say that I prefer to call it that.

Poetry is more than just lines of prose randomly broken up into lines of
uneven length. There are certain critieria which distinguish poetry from prose. Aside from what Robert Frost said about free verse, the only thing that it is really "free" from is meter.

Perhaps you could do some research, either from printed material or online
to help you know the difference between poetry and prose.

Here's a good thought to get you started:

"I wish our clever young poets would remember my homely definitions of prose and poetry; that is prose; words in their best order;---poetry, the best words in the best order."

--Samuel Taylor Coleridge, 1827