Rage

[natroyce]

How I yearned to dwell in courts of Adonai
All my years today carries, if you could only see what crumbles
Nary a mirror ever caught my reflection
For what you ask fury and madness adore
Hence this open palm strikes past your soul
As I peel my skin your eyes seed
Unwitting to comfort me
Unwitting to know me
Called into this cave
True darkness your star witness
Middle of this lake that one door
Impossible not to open it
Woken in cradle of Belial
Representing all guises of sanity
Unstoppable merry go round
You can come in but not your hound
If you look to the left you will save one eye
Your teeth slice your tongue and lock
Oddly you crave
Thirsty for more of your blood
Laughing, your belly bouncing

[CoverTheSun]

Ironically? This is kind of beautiful...

[hillwalker]

This is a little William Blake-ish – some Old Testament mythological references – and the occasional archaic expression – nary and hence – that place this piece strictly in some bygone age when poets wore frills and ladies swooned.

As for what it’s supposed to be about – I’m guessing you’re describing some personal conflict between the powers of good and evil.

There are also lines that display your trademark short-hand style –

‘Middle of this lake that one door’ and ‘Woken in cradle of Belial’

that unfortunately leave this reader convinced a word or two has been accidentally (?) left out.

And I was baffled by lines 2 and 3 – are these two separate sentences or does 3 follow on from 2? Punctuation isn’t always necessary in a poem, but in this case it might aid navigation.

In V2 – I didn’t like L2 at all. The rather contrived triple rhyme makes that particular line stand out – clashing with the rest of the poem’s more elegant style. Similarly, given the classical context of the piece phrases like ‘merry go round’ and ‘belly bouncing’ don’t seem to fit.

You obviously choose to write poetry in a certain way and have found your voice one would surmise. Perhaps you need to stand back and look at it from the reader’s viewpoint. Just because you know what you’re trying to say doesn’t necessarily mean the reader is also on the same wavelength. It’s good to be enigmatic – but not so good to be unfathomable.

H

[natroyce]

lol my wife refers to me as unfathomable

My failed attempt is to create a dream like message where everything is up for interpretation

I am starting to get a better idea of what your telling me H

Most of the poems were written before your guidance and I am eagerly trying to write new material.

I find your guidance invaluable, I am a slow starter but when I finally get it I pickup the pace.

I write the poem in my head in certain moods, so far they are not gelling.

I think part of me whats to please you to acknowledge how much your feedback is needed by me

[hillwalker]

lol my wife refers to me as unfathomable
I write the poem in my head in certain moods, so far they are not gelling.


I've been called worse things...

... as for your poems not gelling; parts of them do - but it's the other bits you need to address, the bits that somehow end up looking as if they're in the wrong poem.

It's a good idea to work on a piece inside your head but also need to write down those thoughts as they come to you then sometime later look for the common theme, or a thread that you can attach them to like the beads on a necklace so they 'gel'.

H

[natroyce]

Thanks H