Seduction Beneath The Stars

[Fellsman]

Shimmering stars light up the night sky
The sighing breeze rustles through willow and aspen
Moonlight illuminates the path
And the wood seems enchanted
As it recites endless stories of secret passions.

Come, there is a path through the wood
I know it well...
Would you like to know it too?

Come...

It is the path to the heart
Where lasting love is born -
Love that never dies.

And down here just past the trees
Meanders a tiny stream -
Your heart now bids you to lie
Beneath the blossom-laden branches.

Come, there is a path through the wood
I know it well...
Would you like to know it too?



E Muoio Disperato (I die despairing)

When even the Gods smiled their blessing,
How sweet the fruits of Gaia tasted -
The rustic gate would creak,
And a footstep would fall, as light as gossamer.
She'd come in, fragrant as a flower,
And she'd fall into my arms.


Oh! sweet kisses, oh! lingering caresses,
Trembling, I'd slowly uncover her dazzling beauty.
How brief such bliss:
Now, alas, my dream of love has vanished forever.
My last hour has flown
And I die, despairing...

And never have I loved life more!


Note: E muoio disperato - (I die despairing) this line appears in every opera written by Puccini. As an exercise in free verse, the above is an amateurish attempt at translating "E lucevan le stelle" from the opera TOSCA.

[hillwalker]

Forgive my philistine ignorance – as I read it this posting appears to be two poems, the first inspired by the second (which is in itself something you translated from a Puccini opera). There is an underlying link between the pair that means a great deal to the writer but I think they both stand well enough as separate pieces of work.

The first is indeed a step across to the dark side – and a worthy attempt at utilising words for the indirect sounds they can make and the way syllables sometimes mirror each other rather than relying on end rhymes pure and simple.

‘sighing’ – ‘sky’ – ‘moonlight’ – ‘illuminates’

I could go on.

My only quibble would be the rather ‘safe’ word choices. You’re not saying very much that hasn’t been said before (until v1 L5 where you begin to explore the nature of the woodland a little more). Perhaps there’s a more original way of referring to the way the stars appear in a frosty sky than using the verb ‘shimmering’ for instance.

I did like the way the author takes control and invites the reader to enter the poem rather than just read the lines like a bystander. It works well.

But I didn’t like V4 – a little clichéed (like something from a cheesy pop song and adding nothing to the poem as a whole). You could get away with a single line to carry the theme into the following verse if one is needed.

And I was surprised to see the Americanised misuse of ‘lay’ and ‘lie’ has crept into your poem – a ‘pet hate’ of mine. (Go on, say it.)

As for the second poem – for what it is it’s perfectly well composed. The subject matter is as purple as the font but I can’t fault its execution. You have a way with words that suggests you have been writing this kind of stuff for a long time. But it’s also good to see you are prepared to try something new. Bravo and Encore.

H

[PrinceMyshkin]

I second Hill on the misuse of "lay" instead of lie, but apart from that I enjoyed both these poems. The repeated invocation to "Come" reminded me, inevitably, of


Come to the window, sweet is the night-air!

In Matthew Arnold's magnificent "Dover Beach"

[Fellsman]

Hi Hillwalker

Your critique is fair and constructive, which is why I came to this site: I will ponder "safe" words as opposed to what I assume are "edgy" words - that is the the interpretation I place on your reference to safe words.


Fellsman

Hi P.M.


I have made the necessary edit re lay and lie: Thanks for your reference to Matthew Arnold, and your kind review.


Fellsman

[hillwalker]

Thanks Fellsman.

You took one big step - there's nothing to be lost in taking one more tiny one when you're ready - perhaps finding a riskier way to describe how the night sky looks or how the rustling breeze sounds without relying on tried and trusted descriptions.

Writing poetry doesn't always have to be a dignified and predictable exercise. It can be fun brainstorming on scraps of paper - looking for as many ways as possible to describe something in a way few if anyone thought to use before.

I'm not suggesting you change over night into some avant garde beat poet - but who knows what else you're capable of until you give it a try?

H

[Buh4Bee]

Fellsman- I have stopped by and given these poems several reads and enjoyed them more each time. I hope you keep posting.

BB

[natroyce]

I loved it.

I am not refined to be analytical, my gauge is assessed by my emotional response and the ease they are surfaced.

The poem had me transported

[Fellsman]

To:


Hillwalker

Buh4Bee

natroyce


My thanks for taking the time to read and comment on these poems. I do take on board all comments and regard this site as a step up from previous poetry boards I have posted to. As writers/poets, very few of us are the finished article and constructive critique is perhaps the surest route to eliminating bad writing habits. Thanks once again.

Fellsman

[qimissung]

Hillman is much better at this than I will ever be, but I thought you did a fine job. He is correct in that you have to constantly challenge yourself as a writer to find new ways to express yourself, especially when writing about the universal themes we are often drawn too.