Nathania

[natroyce]

Drawn lines on these palms tell a new tale full of life

Sipping her lips quenches

Tangled eye lashes making air heavy

Warmth to heat as their skins felt

Time lost as this was eternity found

Wordless novel as they stand back to back

In unison their movement without shadows

[hillwalker]

You convey some elegant images here in what one assumes is a love poem of sorts. But I think it needs a little trimming/tidying up as the focus of our attention wavers too easily.

Drawn lines on these palms join to tell a new tale full of life - I don't see a need for the underlined bit - it breaks the flow. The almost stacatto t-t sounds of 'to tell' disrupt the mood you are trying to set.

'unrealized thirst' - I know what you are trying to suggest but it's not a particularly lyrical phrase.

'Warmth to heat as their skins felt' and 'Time lost as this was eternity found' I don't really get - and you've changed from writing in the present tense to the past for these two lines and the pov has changed from 'her' to 'them' for some reason. You might consider skipping this part - or a rewrite at the very least.

The last two lines are also a little ambiguous because we're being asked to imagine two people rather than the one we were introduced to at the beginning.

I think you have a poet's fine eye for detail and a feel for how to explore something more than just the usual run-of-the-mill love poem paraphernalia - the kind of stuff everyone throws into love poetry as if it's never been tried before.
It has potential - but a work in progress rather than the finished article perhaps.

H

[natroyce]

I can't thank you enough for the feed back

[Fellsman]

Hi Natroyce


I will leave detailed critique to others: I did find myself drawn to this mildly erotic vignette, possibly because I regard your reference inter-alia to a wordless novel as a quite original use of metaphor.


Fellsman