A Life's Worth (maybe subject to change)

[naj]

Hello I wrote this for a class and I have never attempted any sort of fictitious writing before and I don't want to look like an idiot in front of the class so let me know if its complete poop or if its okay. But I just want recommendations, changes, opinions, criticisms, praise or insults. Thanks

A Life's Worth (possibly subject to change. other suggestions: The Decision)

Roy eyed the surviving crew in the small raft, weighing out each mans worth. He still was the captain after all and they looked to him for solace, for direction, and for hope. Roy and his men knew this was the only way they were going to make it out of this. They decided what seemed like weeks ago that they had to sacrifice one of their own. Cannibalism.
Hunger had taken too much of a toll on everyone and they were all just hanging on by a thread. Natural death seemed so close yet so far away and soon the sea would get to their heads as well as their stomachs.

Drew Ferguson was a handsome young man with a future in this nautical career. He knew way around a boat better than most men 10 years his senior. Roy was reminded of Diane: how nice it must be to be young and in love, he thought. He scarcely knew the feeling. Diane had asked Roy to keep her fiance, Drew, safe for her.
"I'll watch him like he were my own son", he had said.
Like my own son he thought, but Roy truly had never known the meaning of it. To him it was just a phrase.
Craig Thompson was almost as old as he was and almost as experienced as well. He was a good man and every Christmas Roy was invited out to the Thompson household to partake in a holiday feast with the Mrs. Thompson and their two children. The first couple of years he would accept their invitation and for a moment in time he was freed from the grip of the sea. The following years he would decline because he couldn't bare having to leave them afterwards.
Then there was Geoff Peterson. Geoff had alot to lose, he was a single parent and was everything to his thirteen year old daughter, Emma. He had the intelligence to outsmart every man on this raft and would have done exceedingly well in a university had it not been for having a child at such a young age he thought. Roy envied Emma's dependency of her father. He recalled the pair being reunited after the crew came back from a long bout at sea, the happiness in there faces brought a feeling of regret as he looked out at sea. Roy stood at the edge and the waves splashed on the docks and quickly receded time and time again as if trying to reach him, to claim him.

Clouds shielded the sun and a darkness loomed somewhere in the distance as the raft floated aimlessly on the calm waters. They were trapped and the sea was content. Roy enjoyed the calm waters. He always felt more at home here than in his real home. When the guys would complain about lonely nights and missing family, Roy could only relate by recalling how he felt when he was back in his unkempt dingy little apartment.
He looked at his men again and thought how strong these men were. These men were fine sailors, capable of handling anything the unpredictable and temperamental sea could throw at them. As a captain, he was useless here at this moment as he was on land.
Roy eyed his men sternly one last time. They looked back with apprehension and fear. Each man preparing for the worst. Each man saying a short prayer of repentance. Each man quietly saying goodbye to this physical world. As Roy held the revolver in his hands, feeling the knurling in his rough calloused hands, he couldn't help but think that somehow he always knew if the sea didn't get to him first, it was always going to end this way. He pulled the gun up to his temple thinking it would be quickest and least painful, but pain to him was not unfamiliar. Looks of comprehension reached the rest that quickly turned to grimaces but they didn't dare attempt to stop him. They wouldn't take away his last attempt at redemption.
Roy pulled the trigger.
A darkness overwhelmed the raft and the sea remained calm.

The End.

[Steven Hunley]

This is a pretty good start for a story. You might want to hook the plot up to the changing weather, or on a time scale. Have it start off in the darkness, then, as he considers each the the men in turn, have the weather unsettled or even threatening a storm. That way, when he makes up his mind, it can be dawn, and you can name it Decision at Daybreak. Tie the environment into the story, mirror the unsettled weather with the condition of his mind. Just a thought...good luck!

[hillwalker]

This is pretty good as I'm sure most readers will agree - whether they can be bothered to leave feeedback or not. For a first piece of fiction writing (!) it's a worthy effort - but it can be improved upon...

The first thing that strikes me is that it starts right in the middle of the crisis yet we're not particularly worried for the crew. By revealing so much you have blown your chance of building up the tension. The reader can guess from this first paragraph pretty much everything that is about to happen. You might have done better to keep the cannibalism option up your sleeve.

Besides it would make the story more believable if we discovered how they ended up in such a situation. You don’t have to give us the full background story – just a line or two describing the horror of the sinking ship perhaps, the loss of life and the futility of their situation.

This would serve the story better than rather weak lines like

’He still was the captain after all and they looked to him for solace, for direction, and for hope. Roy and his men knew this was the only way they were going to make it out of this.’

How do ‘Roy and his men’ know this?

And ‘Hunger had taken too much of a toll on everyone and they were all just hanging on by a thread.’

is recycling a couple of tired clichés that have no place in an original piece of writing. You’re telling us what you think you're supposed to say when what we really want is to be shown how they’re suffering.
Something along the lines of:
‘They choked on hunger like there was poison in the air; the thread of each individual life growing more slender with each careless tilt of the waves.’

Then you start describing the crew one by one – in theory a good way to get the readers to engage with each characters before one meets a grisly end. But we don’t really get to the heart of any of the characters because they don’t seem like real people.

Telling us ‘He was a good man and every Christmas Roy was invited out to the Thompson household to partake in a holiday feast with the Mrs. Thompson and their two children. for example is a little too sentimental. And Geoff’s tragic story (?) It’s all a little bit cheesy.
You make them sound like a firm of accountants adrift in a paddling pool rather than a crew of sea-farers at the mercy of the ocean. I couldn’t smell their fear, or hear their groans of pity or even sense the power of the sea that surrounded them. Can you see what’s needed to bring this to life?

They were trapped and the sea was content. is so much better.
Suddenly the sea is revealed as the main character, which is the best approach to a story like this. Give the waves teeth. Let's feel the spray on our faces and taste the salt. We need something to make us share their emotions – fear, anger, whatever - not their life history.

And strangely enough, although Roy’s final act is a conclusion of sorts, I still felt the story was unresolved because we have no understanding what effect it will have on the rest of the crew. Will it mean they have more water to survive on, more space to give the raft more stability, less weight to reduce the threat of sinking. It’s like his death was an absolute waste because nothing has changed… unless you know different.

Does this story stink? No – far from it. It’s a great start and you show promise as a writer.

I think the main problem here is you have too many characters to handle confidently enough to keep the story afloat (excuse the pun). Giving them all names means you have to find something to write about each of them and it ends up almost like a TV soap.
The sea and the elements are the main players here. As Steven advises earlier – make better use of the amazing setting for the plot and you might find you have a different story to tell, but a better one.

Good luck

H

[naj]

hey thank you very much to both of you for your input.
I knew that it wasn't as good of a story as it could have been but i just couldnt pinpoint how i could change it to make it better. So both of your specific comments really helps a great amount.

Thanks

[naj]

**Edited**


A Life's Worth

Roy remembered floating away from the bodies, the life drained from them. He thought of the families that would be losing fathers, sons, and husbands. He felt a pain in his gut that wasn't just hunger. Roy eyed the surviving crew in the small raft. Out at sea he was still the captain and they looked to him for solace, for direction, and for hope. He could provide them none.
It was late in the evening and the sun would be parting ways with the men soon. Somewhere in the distance a darkness loomed. Small waves cradled the raft gently back and forth. The sadistic sea was toying with them.
Every man on the boat was a blur of his former self. Their faces just peeking out from there facial hair and a stench culminated from their bodies that not even the sea's winds could tame. Their clothes torn, stained and soiled were but the small source of warmth for the long nights. Roy watched Drew shift uncomfortably in his own filth. Drew was a handsome young man with a future in this nautical career. He knew his way around a boat better than most men 10 years his senior. Roy was reminded of Diane; how nice it must be to be young and in love, he thought. He scarcely knew the feeling. Diane had asked Roy to keep her fiance, Drew, safe for her.
"I'll watch over him like he were my own son" he had told her.
Like my own son he thought, but Roy had truly never known the meaning of it. To him it was just a phrase.
Hunger struck at their stomachs relentlessly. Helpless against its blows, Geoff lay there with his face skyward, but he wouldn't accept death's offer. He couldn't; he had a lot to lose. Geoff was a single father and was everything to his thirteen year old daughter, Emma. He had the brains to outsmart every man on this raft and would have done exceedingly well in a university had it not been for having a child at such a young age, Roy thought. Roy envied Emma's dependency of her father. He thought back to when the pair were reunited after the crew came back from a long bout at sea, the happiness in there faces brought a feeling of regret as he looked out at sea. Roy had stood at the edge and the waves splashed on the docks and quickly receded time and time again as if trying to reach him, to claim him.
The sun was dipping into the horizon partially covered in a blanket of clouds and light was dissipating quickly as the raft floated aimlessly on the calming waters. They were trapped and the sea was content. Through hunger pangs and discomfort Roy tried to enjoy the calm waters as he once did before. He always felt more at home here than in his real home. When the guys would complain about lonely nights and missing family, Roy could only relate by recalling how he felt when he was back in his unkempt dingy little apartment.
Roy looked at his men again and thought how strong these men were. These men were fine sailors, capable of handling anything the unpredictable and temperamental sea could throw at them. As a captain, he was useless here at this moment as he was on land.
Roy eyed his men sternly one last time. They looked back with apprehension and fear searching for hope in Roy's expression. Each man was prepared for the worst. Each man had said their prayer of repentance. Each man quietly said goodbye to this physical world. As Roy held the revolver in his hands, feeling the knurling in his rough calloused hands, he couldn't help but think that somehow he always knew if the sea didn't get to him first, it was always going to end this way. He pulled the gun up to his temple thinking it would be quickest and least painful, but pain to him was not unfamiliar. Looks of comprehension reached the rest that quickly turned to grimaces but they didn't dare attempt to stop him.
Roy pulled the trigger.
A darkness overwhelmed the raft and the sea remained calm.

The End

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went with your guy's advice on adding the time scale and giving more dimension to the "sea" character.

I also took out one of the characters to make it less TV soapy. But I was reluctant to give the sailors, other then Roy, more depth because I really wanted it to focus on Roy and his self conflict and conflict with the sea. The other characters are just there for Roy to compare with and reflect on his own life.

Also I tried to remove as many cliche's as I could and I scratched the whole cannibalism thing which changed the story a little but I think the overall intent is the same.

Overall I am really happy with the story and although it was an assignment, I thoroughly enjoyed writing it. Who knew writing could be so fun?

Unless you guys have any other changes I should consider this will be how the story will be turned in tomorrow. Again thoughts, criticisms, opinions, praise, insults or yo mama jokes welcome! Don't be bashful! :)

Thanks to all of you.

[hillwalker]

Better - and I'm sure you realise that without needing to be told.

I don't know any yo mama jokes - but you might care to read through it one more time and check out your use of the word 'there'. If it's 'over there' or 'there used to be' it's spelt THERE, but if you're talking about 'there families' or 'there faces' it should be spelt 'THEIR'.

Good luck

H

[naj]

Thank you steven and hillwalker for all your help on the story. I probably would have gotten a much lower grade had it not been for your suggestions.