The Innocent Sinner

[Januar]

It’s sad when you’re the victim and yet the one to blame
Right mom? Right dad? So I brought you two shame?
I have news for you, bad and good, what do you wanna hear first?
I’ll say the bad ones and real fast or else I’d burst
You are guilty for all I have been through in my life
The bitterness I have tasted cuts sharper than knife
The demons in my head that said I can’t be a wife
“You’re a shame,” they told me, and you mom said it was rife
Is it mom? More bad news, apparently it is not
You keep saying it’s my fault like I was an easy lot
Like my life was so happy and I needed that black spot
Like I have always been longing to feel like a cheap sl*t
What do they call you a parent for? Leaving me for monsters to eat?
Need I explain it more? Am I just a piece of meat?
You don’t understand? Right, keep lying to yourself
I have better things to do than keep repeating myself
Oh, almost forgot to tell you that I’m leaving you
Good news? More good ones, you wouldn’t stop me if you tried to

[hillwalker]

This poem reminded me of 'This Be The Verse' by Philip Larkin on the surface. It's a farewell letter condemning parents for the way they brought up their child and judged her behaviour by their own standards.

The first line is very promising - but you don't manage to maintain the rhythm throughout the rest of the piece unfortunately. That's a pity because it sounds a little like a nursery rhyme yet there's obviously something much darker lurking in the shadows.

And I don't feel the rhyme scheme does it any favours at all - especially using the same '-ife' rhyme in lines 5 to 8.

'sharper than knife' is grammatically suspect, and you don't tell us what is 'rife' so it seems a strange word choice... except, of course, it keeps the rhyme going.

You might do better to consider getting rid of the rhyme totally so you can write a little more freely. Rearranging some of the phrases might give it a more consistent beat along the lines of that opening line :

so line 2 could be something like

Right mom, right dad, I brought you shame but let me have my say

(which has the same number of syllables and the same metrical pattern).

Give it another try and I'm sure you'll come up with something more effective and hard-hitting.

H

[CoverTheSun]

I respect what hills says from a critical point of view, but i see this poem as a poem or letter if you like, of passion of the moment. you weren't looking to be literally accurate, its obviously something personal, and you were expressing yourself. which is what personal poetry is all about. Personal expression.

What do they call you a parent for? Leaving me for monsters to eat? To me, being a child, quite a brilliant line.

Thoroughly enjoyed it (:

[Twota]

It's sad, I love it ;D

[Januar]

Thanks, hillwalker and CoverTheSun for replying! I really appreciate your opinions and advice! Actually yes, it's more of a personal scribble than a poem but I wanted to share. :) Thanks again.