My Haiku/Senryu Thread

[cacian]

from Havana's mounts
surge malted tobacco layers
rolls of Jules cigar

[cacian]

head over heels feels
glass overfizzed, bubbles tip
gaze over glow slips]

[cacian]

surprise me not,yet!
love me not a flower pot
gracefully lay off!

[hillwalker]

one wonders how your
arrangement of random words
constitutes poetry

H

[cacian]

My words come and go
captivating molds and moods
a feeling of sense

[cacian]

The Apple Choka

the apple is crunched
said Adam to Yve now what!!
oh no!!replied Yve
let's say our hands were greater
we could not help it!!
how is that so my dear Yve
cider is what is!!
oh well said God to Adam
cider is out wine is in

[cacian]

The Geisha Tenka


sipping tea at noon
tradition has it to prune
the archways of cleaves
wrigging of the bells in preach
the geisha breaks free from reef

[cacian]

Cast a Spell Senryu

villainy's abrupt
the wand casts spell upon ye!!
awsome vented deed

[cacian]

Wine Senryu




sobreity slips
precipitated and flings
rioja to red

[Jack of Hearts]

one wonders how your
arrangement of random words
constitutes poetry


Sorry, but this is not a haiku. A haiku is a strict form of 5 syllables in the first line, 7 syllables in the second line, and 5 syllables in the last. You've only done this in english. The syllables in question must be Japanese. Also, a haiku must be a theme of nature and each line serves a specific line in expressing that theme and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

cacian, this reader doesn't know what these are because he doesn't know a lot about poetry. But he knows what they mostly are not: sensical to english speakers.

But a couple fair better than the rest and there's some interesting stuff that this reader can track, such as the first one about cigars.







J

[cacian]

Sorry, but this is not a haiku. A haiku is a strict form of 5 syllables in the first line, 7 syllables in the second line, and 5 syllables in the last. You've only done this in english. The syllables in question must be Japanese. Also, a haiku must be a theme of nature and each line serves a specific line in expressing that theme and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

cacian, this reader doesn't know what these are because he doesn't know a lot about poetry. But he knows what they mostly are not: sensical to english speakers.

But a couple fair better than the rest and there's some interesting stuff that this reader can track, such as the first one about cigars.







J

I thank you Jack of Heart.
Thank you for your feedback.

[cacian]

feelings worded once
are true lights sparked fast and twice
thrice the speed of light

[Bar22do]

Interesting... not really haiku or senryu, but yes, interesting. I'd just suggest a bit of tightening, if you think it's possible, plus aligned to the left; something like

feelings worded once
are lights sparked twice
thrice the speed of light

what do you think?

enjoyed reading you,

Bar

[cacian]

Hi Bar..thank you for your feedback..I have just realised that I had put LIGHTS twice...ooohhh
Ilike your version a lot ..how about taking one LIGHT out to avoid repetition and something like this perhaps.

feelings worded once
are sparks faster then the twice
thrice the speed of light

I am not sure..what do you think?

[Bar22do]

You're very welcome; and how about replacing the first "lights" with "truths"? play with it. Best, Bar

[cacian]

You're very welcome; and how about replacing the first "lights" with "truths"? play with it. Best, Bar

That sounds like a very good idea Bar
you mean like this

feelings worded once
is truth sparked twice
thrice the speed of light


Then my version

feelings worded once
is truth sparked faster then twice
thrice the speed of light

[Bar22do]

I'd go for "are truths"... regards! Bar

[cacian]

I'd go for "are truths"... regards! Bar

Ok let's have it with Are and S

feelings worded once
are truths sparked twice
thrice the speed of light

Hehe..this is better:biggrin5:

[cacian]

ring oh bells and sing
misltetos in awe of snow
warmth of winterland

[cacian]

tremendous it feels
to exist,to see and say
to have and to be.

[cacian]

a cuckoo sat back
enjoyable reverie
t'never felt so koel

[Bar22do]

About "ring and bells" - what are "misltetos"?

"tremendous it feels" is my preferred, cacian.

In the most recent one - is a clever idea - nice word play (phonetic)!!!

A pleasure to discover your short thoughts!!

Bar

[cacian]

About "ring and bells" - what are "misltetos"?

"tremendous it feels" is my preferred, cacian.

In the most recent one - is a clever idea - nice word play (phonetic)!!!

A pleasure to discover your short thoughts!!

Bar

Hi Bar
Thank you for reading and the lovely feedback.
mistletos are these.

http://mendykelley.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/mistletoe.jpg

[BienvenuJDC]

Actually, those are Holly berries.

This is mistletoe.
http://www.aspca.org/pet-care/poison-control/plants/~/media/files/pet-care/poison-control/plants/large-images/american-mistletoe.jpg?w=432&h=288&as=1

And I think that Bar was actually pointing out your typo.

[Bar22do]

That's right, and what a beautiful photo! Thanks BienvenuJDC!

[cacian]

Oops sorry Bar and thank you Bienvenue..I totally did not see it...:frown5.
I did think I am sure he knows it ....haha.