A Quiet Pint.

[smerdyakov]

the day outside ebbed and gushed
while he hung quite safe
in bar-room limbo.


a pint of porter stood before him,
opaque to the prying sun
that shone in through
a small window.

he read his paper,
rejoicing in the
stillness.
the walls were eloquent
in their silence.

[Hawkman]

I think I'd be inclined to cut L4 of S1, but apart from that, a pleasing read and a moment nicely captured.

[hillwalker]

I agree with Hawk - the syntax of that closing line is off and we're not sure what it is that lends a friendly arm anyway. Is it the day outside or the limbo? Or even the pint?

But otherwise it's a snug little poem.

H

[smerdyakov]

I see what ye mean about that line alright. Thanks, guys.

[Jack of Hearts]

Alright! The 'arm' line is a little weird to read, but this poem speaks greatly about your capabilities, this reader thinks. After reading your other poems, this reader feels he can sort of see some decisions you made in writing this, a way to go about it. They're good ones; this is your strongest offering yet. It's strong because it seems you're showing us something. Maybe you had to admit to yourself that you knew something, first, and not hide behind language. This poem shows you knew about this 'quiet pint' and the pub around it. And then you showed us what you knew about it, and it was pretty darn good. This reader imagines he's seeing a poet get in touch with himself- it's like riding a bicycle.

Oh, and check your word 'stilliness' in stanza three, line three. Is it a typo?


Keep it up! Do that good work!







J

[smerdyakov]

Thanks, J. Your kind words are appreciated :smile5:
I had a feeling btw that "stilliness" wasn't a word, but it sounds good I think.
I always thought neologisms to be a bit arrogant, so I'll correct that.
Cheers.

[blank|verse]

Yes, it's a decent little poem. It reminded me a little of Seamus Heaney's 'Docker' from 'Death of a Naturalist', a poem I've mentioned before on the forum, which you might be familiar with. I think it's the reference to the 'pint of porter'.

I'm not keen on the lower-case throughout; and I wasn't sure we need to be 'told' the character is "quite safe" and not 'shown' this in some way. But there are some nice touches in this.

[Buh4Bee]

I didn't remark on this poem, but I did read it before you removed the S1 L4. I think you made the correct decision to remove the line, because the poem reads more smoothly now. Good little poem that captures a quiet and relaxing moment.