surreal

[cacian]

ahead of time
I've seen sometimes,
when sentinelles had lit
the paths,
staircase to grandeur
a wonderland !

aback a lane
I found a note,
a drifting page,
sat on a dance
the wind was trancin'
across the waves
chanting the words
the note had shun,

I read the said
scripture and paused,
happy to say,
I had obliged,
I took the will
strength and surreals
I raised the stakes
then closed the round
the signs were fair,

across the lengths and
witdth of space
I let it go
It flew away as if by murr,
magic undid a passing past
and I walked highs
sifting those whys.

[Alexander III]

Dont think it works with the short line breaks, and the images seem to fickle so they don't create lasting images in the readers mind. I read this poem and was left emotionless. I think it best if you use longer lines and less images, but more defined (not detialed!) defiend images, which dont get lost in the mind as easily as dust in a breeze.

[cafolini]

Again, a very good piece. Rich in the impossibility of conviction without disatisfaction. Achievement closes a moment to take on the more at every step.

[cacian]

Again, a very good piece. Rich in the impossibility of conviction without disatisfaction. Achievement closes a moment to take on the more at every step.

cafolini thank you for such a brilliant feedback and thank you for reading my piece too:smile5:

[cacian]

Dont think it works with the short line breaks, and the images seem to fickle so they don't create lasting images in the readers mind. I read this poem and was left emotionless. I think it best if you use longer lines and less images, but more defined (not detialed!) defiend images, which dont get lost in the mind as easily as dust in a breeze.

Alexander thank you for reading my poem.
I appreciate your feedback will bear your advice in mind indeed.