Untitled

[Hawkman]

The dockyard cranes are gone now,
their latticed silhouettes against
the winter sunset, long consigned
to scrap-piles that reside behind closed eyes.

Green and yellow pennants break from yards,
still bob to colour parties at a minute to,
and when the moment comes,
the shrill pipe of 'The Still' echoes from grey steel.

But the cranes no longer stand.
They played host to clouds of starlings
as they flocked to roost, sky-fish bait-balls,
uniformly flashing in the dying light with every change of course,

metastasising like a living cell,
divided by the predatory stoop of peregrines
or a sparrowhawk’s pursuit, amplified
ten thousand times, their voices trilled.

How loud the silence nowadays,
punctuated only by the yodelling of gulls,
and how bare the skyline, shorn of arms
raised to salute the evening tide.

[hillwalker]

There's some very evocative material here Hawk - your fine eye for detail and your love of our feathered friends shine through.

A couple of quibbles -

The first comma in v2 L1 makes an unnatural grammatic break as it stands, followed by 'break from yards' which I'm struggling still to make sense of.

And the change to past tense in v3 Ls 2 and 3 again was a distraction - intentional or not?

Otherwise I'd rank this with one of your best 'urban nature' poems.

H

[Hawkman]

Hi hill, Sorry, the "break from yards" is me lapsing into jargonese. The Prep pennent can be "made up for breaking", rolled and folded with the tackline wrapped round it keeping it tight, then hoisted up. When it's time, the halyard is pulled sharply and the knot comes undone and the flag or pennant unfurls, or breaks from the yard(arm). I can see what you are getting at with the change of timeframes, which is intended as a comparison between past and present. I don't see the problem you highlight though. The subordinate clauses give logical exposition to the description of the event.

You are right about the spurious comma S2 L1 though. I have removed it.

Thanks very much for reading and for your comments - H

[Haunted]

I'm not familiar with the heavy machinery in a dockyard but really like "scrap-piles that reside behind closed eyes". There's always something hidden from sight but everyone knows it's there, maybe also within us.

The transition from the metal bird to its feathered counterparts is very clever, while "How loud the silence nowadays" amidst all the chirping is quite chilling, exposing the desolation the narrator must feel. Another great one from Hawk.

[MystyrMystyry]

I like the title!

So you've been hanging around the docks Hawk? I've been meaning to get down there for photography purposes. It never occurred to me that there was potential word poetry in the place. Rather vivid words at that, good stuff

[blank|verse]

Yes, good poem, Hawk. As hill points out, it's another that explores the relationship between the natural and urban. It's interesting how the poem focuses on the loss to nature, rather than the loss to people, of jobs and community identity and so forth.

I wonder if you need to tell us that the cranes 'are gone' and that they're 'long consigned' in the first stanza. One is enough, I think. And I'd be tempted to bump the much more vivid phrase about 'latticed silhouettes' into the first line. I wasn't sure about the image of the scrap piles 'behind closed eyes'. To me, that suggests they reside in people's memories. But those memories would be of the cranes still standing, not on scrap piles. I kind of see what you mean but for me it's an ambiguous image.

Stanza 2 lost me, to be honest, although I think that's more to do with my lack of knowledge. A footnote would be appreciated though.

I'd consider changing the cliche 'played host' - I think there's an opportunity for something more original there. And I wonder if this line can be made quicker:

uniformly flashing in the dying light with every change of course,
perhaps: 'flashing in the dying light' is all that's needed. Premodifying 'flashing' slows down the description of a swift action. And talking of slow, I really wasn't sure about 'metastasising'! (And Sp. 'pursuit' [line 15].)

Interesting variation of sentence type in the last stanza. That seems a new addition to the Hawk toolkit. Exclamatives can be difficult to use (you can end up sounding ever-so 1950's, old chap) but I think it works well here. Not sure about the 'yodelling' gulls, it seems too cheerful and works against the more plaintive tone of the poem. Perhaps it was chosen because of the number of 'double-l words': 'yellow, still, shrill, Still, balls, cell, trilled'... but I 'still' don't think that justifies 'yodelling'. (But thinking of double-lettered words: 'latticed silhouettes' gets better still in that light; the t's are even more crane-like than the l's!)

Anyway, despite all that, the rather elegiac sense of loss for these big bits of metal comes across strongly.

[smerdyakov]

Touching poem, H. I reckon the first and last stanzas are a lot stronger than the middle ones. It makes me think of of industrial downturn, recession.

"and how bare the skyline, shorn of arms
raised to salute the evening tide."

The ending here is powerful. Thanks for sharing.

[Buh4Bee]

Agreed that this is a very strong poem that captures visual images of the city and bird calls (sounds). The second stanza is more difficult to grasp upon a first reading, but I think people have remarked on reasons why this is. If one didn't know you to be a good poet, one may not be bothered to keep reading. However, the poem has much to offer- an enjoyable read.

[Hawkman]

b/v, thanks for reading and for your comments, as always. If it start with your observations vis S1 I agree to a certain extent with what you say about the scrap piles. It is possible I was trying to convey too much in too few words. The passing of the cranes is itself a metaphor for the loss and downsizing of just about everything in the Naval dockyard, ships, workers, industry and status. The cranes remain in memory, yes, but we are also inured to the loss that their passing represents, hence behind closed eyes.

S2, The ceremonies of Evening Colours and Sunset. Evening colours is always at 9pm, but becomes Sunset when sunset occurs before 9pm. This is when the ensign and jack are hauled down in the evening. At five minutes to, the prep pennant is flown. At one minute two the prep is bounced on the halyard. As the officer of the watch has his back to the mast he can't see it. The rating at the ensign staff tells the Officer of the Watch, "One minute to evening colours/sunset, sir!" At the appointed time the prep is hauled down and the rating says, "Evening Colours/Sunset, Sir" and the OOW replies, "Make it so!" The still is piped and the flags are hauled down.

S3 yes, I'm not happy with that long line but I wanted to convey how the birds look and move. The constraint of quatrains might be a mistake.

Metastasising was the quickest way to indicate the organic nature of the flock, like a single cell organism which splits, and reminds me of amoebas. I would have said ullulating gulls, but I used it in a poem before. Yodelling is pretty close to what they do.

As I said earlier, it's not the cranes themselves I miss, but what their passing represents. The starlings have also gone, but not because the cranes went. Other causes, similar to the decline of sparrow numbers, are responsible for that. Essentially the poem is about changing times.

MM, thanks to you too. Dockyards can be romantic places but you might need to observe them over a long period of time to feel any attachment for them. They are very photogenic though. As for the title I couldn't come up with one which wasn't a cliche. Anyway, you seem to have enjoyed this one, so thanks for that. :)

Haunted, Hi and thanks for reading and commenting. I suppose I was aware of the feathered crane but in this instant I was referring to the things which lift heavy objects. They used to populate the wharves, but now I think there is only one big one. There is an urban legend in the yard that HMS Tiger accidentally lobbed a six-inch, inert drill round through one of them during loading drills. Somebody reputedly pressed the wrong button.

I'm happy that you were able to connect with this piece though. Thank you all again for reading.

Live and be well - H

[Hawkman]

Smerdyakov & B4B, thanks to you both. You will find the explanation of S2 in my earlier reply to b/v. I apologise to those who are not as familliar with Royal Naval ceremonial routine as anyone who lives near Devonport Dockyard. Consider yourselves lucky if you wish, I believe it was (and may still be) a 30 kiloton warhead target. :D

Despite this you both seem to have got something from the poem which pleases me no end.

Live long and propser - H

[Jack of Hearts]

This poem was pretty darn descriptive. A lot of times, this reader runs into the limits of his abilities to critique poetry, and this is one of them. Is the play on words with 'cranes' intentional?

This reader thinks is this a very effective depiction of an empty dockyard and skyline.

Also, is 'persuit' spelt 'pursuit'? Or is that a UK spelling or a different word? This readar gives up onn speling.





J

[Hawkman]

Hi Jack and thanks for reading. Let's just say I was aware that feathered cranes exist, but not round these parts, although we do occasionally get storks and herons are commonplace. See my answer to Haunted.

Thanks for catching the typo which I've fixed.

This is actually a poem I've wanted to have a go at for some time. I look back to the 1980s and remember the evening spectacle of the starlings, but they have gone the way of the cranes. I think I explained this in an earlier reply. I'm touched that you found the poem so evocative and enjoyed it so much. Thanks again

Live and be well - H

[kittypaws]

Hi Hawk,

I found your last verse very versatile....I too notice that the birds no longer sing during the winter months; much like us earthlings who close ourselves in door.

I had to do a touch of research on some of what you wrote...but that is grand for your write was powerful enuf to make me learn more.

I thought this was a splendid, well painted picture of what you enjoy.

kittypaws

[Hawkman]

Thanks kitty, but the starlings don't sing because they are missing, like the cranes. I'm glad you enjoyed the poem.

Live and be well - H