Why do I try?

[APEist]

A Trying Song

Reaching above the tops of trees
towards things other than they seem,
my fingers meet burning light
from a distant and risen sun;
I notice nothing else besides
the hollow toll of an aeroplane, glinting over high-
a satellite's cold enlightenment, passing above the sky.
An empty pain spurs retreat.

Amplitudes and frequencies
echo thoughts like stale clouds
pushed along by a stale wind,
sickly shifting here and there, where once they danced
and despaired, licking sweetly
across Promethean scenes and
through Gomorrahn flames.
Perhaps they were tired, even then.

I want to reach again above the trees
and grab a wind yet come to be
with pale fleshy fingers
(the tips have made it),
now burning in the sun,
grasping at echoes faded.
I am trying, for you and me.


I apologize for the Mangum "borrowing" :wink5:

[Jack of Hearts]

No idea what this poem is about, APEist. The speaker feels he or she must do something for himself/herself and another party? Reach above a tree?

This reader might be too stupid to understand your poem, or your poem isn't helping out enough.








J

[cacian]

Interesting images.
I like the last and first stanzas.
well done.

[free]

Nice poem, A. I understand your poetic pictures as a symbolic description of human endeavuor to reach the desired hights and devlop its abilities through love for a real or imagined partner. Well done.

[hillwalker]

One gets the point of this - someone reaching up for the unreachable in order to make life better for him/her and his/her partner?

But some of the metaphors are drawn out too far - the last two lines of v1 just don't fit. It's as if you'd thought of reaching for the sun and burning your fingertips then thought, 'Hang on, what else is in the sky? Oh, I know. Aeroplanes and satellites.' The verse would be better without them.

Similarly the second verse gets a little lost by the end - Prometheus and Gomorrah sound very grand but you don't really expand on why they have any context here. And having the word 'stale' appear twice is a little... stale.

I think if you go back and try to combine the best of verses 1 and 3 into a single, shorter (and simpler) piece you might be more successful. As it stands this is going to baffle more readers than it enlightens.

H

[APEist]

Thanks for the replies everyone, very appreciated.

This is what happens when an amateur attempts something beyond their scope.

Ironically (not in a good way), that is close enough to one of the things I was trying to say.

[hillwalker]

Don't give yourself such a hard time - we're all amateurs on here. If it's truly beyond your scope then try something a little simpler.

The fact that you have been able to identify what the poem is supposed to be about - reaching for something beyond your grasp - is a good start. Walk with that - don't run like you were trying to do earlier on.

H

[APEist]

Giving myself a hard time is what I do, hehe.

I actually know exactly the poem means, and all the word choice is purposeful and planned. Of course, that doesn't mean it's a functional poem, or that it does what I meant it to do.

As you know hill, it's all in the delivery... and that's what needs to be improved.

I kinda feel like trying to explain the various things I was trying to do (since it's my baby), but we all know how little intentions mean in comparison to interpretation.

edit: I did make some superficial adjustments to the poem. I'll hold off on any major adjustments for a while though... or, more likely, forget about it and keep writing...