She Wants to Know

[Jack of Hearts]

Removed by author.

[Hawkman]

I love this poem Jack. Some great images and fiiness in your use of language. Good rythm too. I can just see the girl dozing on the couch while the sounds surrounding her permeate her dreams. Nice one.

Live and be well - H

[hillwalker]

Amazing piece this Jack, a delicately paced peek into the netherworld (not sure if it's just weariness or old age creeping up on 'her').

The kind of poem one wants to read again and again to savour the imagery.

H

[Buh4Bee]

So very very good. Bravo! again, Jack.

[Haunted]

enjoyed this very much Jack.

[blank|verse]

Yes, this is an imaginative and enjoyably shambolic poem, Jack. I liked the sections which utilised different rhythms; very fitting and well achieved.

I wonder if you could tighten some of the images to make even more of them, perhaps like this:

James Joyce on the coffee table
his spine now bent,
[to...]
James Joyce's bent spine
on the coffee table
'Hullabaloo' is spelt like that, and I'd consider adding a definite article ('the') before it. I found the phrase 'pool drool' very slow to read and make sense of, 'pool' of course being more familiar as a noun than verb. And I'd consider dropping the last couplet from the end of the poem. Good stuff!

[Jack of Hearts]

Wow, thanks everyone. Alright.

Thanks for the tips b/v!





J

[Bar22do]

Excellent, Jack, I agree with b/v, especially re the last two lines. Much enjoyed reading this!

Thank you Jack, Bar

[IceM]

And Bach on the stereo is beaten in vain
when ten thousand flowers leap from a plane,
wild-orchid colors like tropical rain.



This was fabulous, especially the last two lines of this quote. The idea of a polychrome of flower petals falling from the sky sent me off into figurative daydreams. I had to re-read the poem after this point.

I actually think you should keep the final couplet of the poem. I feel it gives greater closure to the poem than simply ending on a dream, which, fortunately for you, would everywhere else would be a tacky ending. That is not the case with this poem. Also, I think it's a bit ironic that the dreamer, whose dreams, to this reader, stem from the sounds of the set, would want the set to be silenced. I like the small quirk in that ending.

Thank you for sharing.

[Jack of Hearts]

Thanks you two! This reader is happy enough to steal hill's signature smiley face.






:-) J