Building a Home

[IceM]

Build our home by the campfire,
whose blinking embers crackle like cedar
in the blue November night.
Let it stand beside the river, that
winding as a tedious argument,
sprawls through the landscape
like gopher tunnels through the hills,
extending into nothingness.

Begin the construction at dawn.
Call the workmen,
whose hammering on plywood planks
boom through the morning mist
like gunshots,
shaking the young dew drops from their perches.

Have the windows face the east
so that children,
brimming with the molten mirth of youth,
may dance in the cacophony of colors,
re-acquainting themselves with familiar hues
and greeting the newer tones—
the sienna streaks across off-white walls and
vermilion dots on oaken floors.
The children will rage throughout the house,
their youthful bliss tamed only
by their mother’s kiss.

Let the pond lie in the West,
where wave tips,
licked white by the weary sun,
shimmer with the incandescence of the nightly flames,
whose ashes beckon us to sleep.

And let the foundation stand like Time,
continuing into eternity,
even when the owners have, like beauty,
faded and turned to dust.

[Hawkman]

Hi IceM. You've a good poem here with great expression evoking a vision of an ideal.

I have a couple of suggestions though. In S1 L4 you don't really need the comma after that and I'd be inclined to drop about in L5. It's over egging the pudding a bit given Winding and the subsequent analogies in L6. You might also want to change sinews for sinuous as sinews means connecting fibers between muscle and bone, whereas I rather think you meant winding.

In S2 your very long line 3 would stand breaking at planks. In S3 you could drop the definite article before children and in L4 the alliteration of cacophony of colours is nice but it's rather a mixed image as cacophony applies to sound, whereas colour is percieved visually, but I still think it works.

S4 Lay should be lie. In L 2 again the definite article is superfluous as is the s' on wave. "where wave tips / licked white by weary sun... " would be better. Not sure about the reuse of ...fire in bonfire, flames perhaps and the re use of embers could have been avoided. Not sure about the tired either. cooling ashes perhaps...?

Apart from these minor quibbles an outstanding poem in my view. The rich use of language a feast for the eye and mind.

Live and be well - H

[blank|verse]

Yes, the poem has quite a joyous tone, IceM, achieved through the series of imperative sentences as the narrator shouts his orders of exactly what his American Dream should look like. One can almost imagine George and Lennie from Of Mice and Men rehearsing a similar monologue.

I'm in general agreement with all Hawk's comments, and would add that you consider removing 'sleepy' from line one as well; without it, it makes for a stronger, more rhythmic opening which seems to suit the narrator's voice better. And I wasn't too keen on the internal 'bliss-kiss' rhyme. But overall, it's an imaginative and joyful poem.

[Jack of Hearts]

This reader doesn't know. This poem is laden with good bites of imagery. It seems to be about literally building a house? Maybe not a house, or just building something for human life? It could be that's too far removed from what you originally intended, but it's cool to think about.


Liked it. Liked how you can look anywhere in this and find some poetic language, not too heavy or overdone, to chew on.

This reader has started reading this poem and stopped about three times since you posted it though, because he's convinced he missed something in there. Hmmm.






J

[Bar22do]

This has something of V. Mayakovsky's touch (perhaps only the imperative) though yours is breathing joy. I loved it through. It's a very good poem, which asks for a possibility of simple satisfaction in life, a strong wishliable to become reality!

Thanking you,

Bar

[IceM]

Thank you all for reading. After making your suggested edits, Hawk, I agree that the poem stands much better with them. Thank you for taking the time to read this poem--hopefully it'll be sold in a local journal soon. Pretty cheap, considering how much money it will be spend to construct that home. :prrr:

Bar, I've never heard of the poet you mentioned, but only because I've read far less poetry than I have read prose. On my next trip to the bookstore, I will look for that poet and read their work. Thank you for reading. Hopefully this is the first entry in a series of improved contributions I make to this website.

You know, Jack, it interests me that you're finding different elements in this poem. That B/V noted elements of Of Mice and Men honestly surprised me, but it also pleased me, since I was imagining what a happy Prucock would want his home to be like. If you find something else in this poem, do tell; it interests me what good readers find in the works of others. :smile5:

Thank you all for reading!

--SB