Sleeping Beauty

[Fellsman]

There's times when I am lying by your side
And see that playful smile upon your lips
My heart just skips a beat, then swells with pride
Your lambent eyes, the moon and stars eclipse.

How fortunate the Fates would think of me
When finding you someone to share your love
And bring content I never thought I'd see
For which I thank the very heav'ns above.

Your sleepy eyes now smile at me and close
I hold you gently in my loving arms
As you slip softly into sweet repose
And I give thanks for all your girlish charms.

My fervent wish is this - when comes the morn
I'll never wake alone and feel forlorn.

[cacian]

Hi there..may I ask wether this is a personal poem?
sorry I am new to this side to the forum.

[Fellsman]

Hi cacian


This is my first poem on here and I too am new to this site, which was recommended to me as a site in which one can expect honest critique rather than platitudes. When you ask if it is "personal" - if you mean is it a factual narrative, then it does refer to an earlier period in my life. :wink5:

My kind regards.

Fellsman

[cacian]

Hi Fellsman

This is a very beautiful poem with lots of potential.
Plenty of imageries and very honest tone to it.

Your lambent eyes, the moon and stars eclipse.

How fortunate the Fates would think of me
When finding you someone to share your love

My fervent wish is this - when comes the morn
I'll never wake alone and feel forlorn.


These are stunning lines.
I am just wondering however, why did you call it
Sleeping Beauty because the story is that Sleeping Beauty goes to sleep for quite a long time until Prince Charming wakes her up?

[blank|verse]

Hi Fellsman,

Just to let you know you've posted your poem in the wrong section (it often happens!). You're in the 'Reading Poetry' section; click on the link below to find the 'Writing Poetry' section (which can also be found below the long 'Author's List' on the LitNet main page) which is where people post their own poems and critique other people's work:

http://www.online-literature.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=14

For what it's worth, I think your poem is a decent effort at a Shakespearean sonnet, but reads a bit too much like a workshop exercise, and is hamstrung by the restrictions of the form too much - the archaism "heav'ns" being the worst offender. No-one speaks like that these days. And would you really feel 'forlorn'? Do people still feel 'forlorn' in 2011? You've also got three cliches in the first quatrain ('playful smile upon your lips', 'skips a beat', 'swells with pride') - and that's ignoring the title - which gives the reader only a second-hand account of your emotions because you're using other people's worn-out expressions, not choosing your own words.

Welcome to LitNet! :)

[Fellsman]

Hi Blank verse

I came to this site because I was told of the honest critique I could expect, I assure you that I welcome your comments. I also appreciate you sending me the link to the correct forum for my post.

Many thanks

Bill

[hillwalker]

One can't deny there's a sweet innocence about this. But as for it being poetry - I felt that it read more like the lyrics to a song from a 1930's Broadway musical. It's so weighed down by cliches - not a single personal touch to mark it as your own.

And I would agree that no one refers to the sky by the term 'the very heav'ns above' nowadays unless they are on laudanum.

It's apparent that you haven't read very much poetry recently - or if you have you prefer to write material that harks back to an age when people swooned with romantic longing or desire. But I'm not sure anyone actually enjoys stuff like this any more - not even the Hallmark junkies.

It would be nice to see you try your hand at something a little more original using more contemporary language.

H

[Varenne Rodin]

I might be weird, but I liked it so much. I wish people would sometimes still speak this way, if only just for fun. I have a theater background and it was theatrical to me, like Hillwalker said. I like when people use words that are not commonly used, just be careful not to overdo it to the point of sounding unnatural or breaking rhythm. The other reviewers were tough, but fair. I think I liked it a bit more. :)

[Fellsman]

Hi Hillwalker

Thanks for your critique: Nobody is ever going to accuse you of an over use of euphemisms. Oh, I do read Shakespeare, Byron, Kipling, Tennyson et al on a regular basis, I'm clearly reading the wrong poets.

I must see if I can get my head round some of Carol Ann Duffy's stuff - however turgid and pretentious I find it.

Thanks once again...

Fellsman

[Fellsman]

Dear Ms Rodin

Thank you for your kind critique. I have to add, I came to this site because I heard that the critics pull no punches. Though I might add that when I am advised to use more "contemporary" language, I fear that the word contemporary is an oblique reference to the more crude metaphor that litters much modern writing. I would sooner walk bare foot over broken glass than (for example) use the ubiquitous "F" word or equally offensive language.

Best wishes

Fellsman

[Jack of Hearts]

I have to add, I came to this site because I heard that the critics pull no punches.

Wait. We have a rep here? If giving criticism is like throwing punches, then hillwalker is our heavyweight champion.

This reader thinks your poem shows great aptitude but man is it old school. Not just in its form (which b/v says is sonnet but this reader wouldn't recognize a sonnet if it hit him in the face) but with its take on love. Is anybody, today, living a life that makes them think this way about love?

This reader thinks that these preconceived forms and notions on love are holding you down, man! You're a mighty, mighty eagle! You deserve to fly! What is love to you? How do you think you should express it? Show us!

Welcome, and keep sharing!





J

[Darcy88]

I think about love like this. I even write about it like this. I wrote a similar poem for a girl once and boy did it do the trick!

I personally liked it, though I'd suggest that you not limit yourself to this olden style and be sure to write other poems using more current language, something you probably already do.

[Varenne Rodin]

I agree with Darcy.

I hope you'll stay with us, Fellsman. It's refreshing to have something different now and then.

[Fellsman]

I think about love like this. I even write about it like this. I wrote a similar poem for a girl once and boy did it do the trick!

I personally liked it, though I'd suggest that you not limit yourself to this olden style and be sure to write other poems using more current language, something you probably already do.


Hi Jack

I have broad shoulders, and I'm old enough not to get dispirited because my personal style is considered very retro. I do appreciate everyone's input, because I want to become a better poet.

Many thanks

Fellsman

[Fellsman]

Hi Darcy88

Hi Ms Rodin


My sincere thanks for your response, which is encouraging...



Fellsman