Rebirth

[Revolte]

Provoked by fretting fright (the midnight's Shadow Fiend)
I slowly lift my head, with weights of rage and dreams
to gaze upon the bulb, which once was grown a rose
now dry and free of life 'till once again it grows

to something never seen, but always in your sight
-the birth of something new, of lover and her might-
so lonely as I lay I will not fight this sleep
I'll rest beside the angel of leaping counted sheep.

[cacian]

this is a well written piece.
I like the idea of rebirth as a title and I also like the imageries.
They are evident and come alive as you read through the poem.
Ivery muchlike this line:

so lonely as I lay I will not fight this sleep
I am however slightly unsure wether the poet is talking about a split and starting again maybe??

[cafolini]

Watch out for tigers coming to eat you through the keyhole.

[hillwalker]

I can't agree with cacian about the best line in the poem

so lonely as I lay I will not fight this sleep

because, much as I hate being pedantic, it's grammatically incorrect - unless the narrator is laying an egg as he waits for sleep to overtake him.

The word 'lay' is the present tense of the verb 'to lay' - which doesn't mean the same as 'to lie down'.
The word you no doubt intended was 'lie' because the poem is written in the present tense throughout and 'lie' is the present tense of 'to lie' (as in to tell a lie or to lie down).

For some reason American writers are unable to cope with the simple fact that 'lay' is the past tense of the verb 'to lie' as well as the present tense of a totally different verb - to 'lay' (as in lay an egg, lay the table, lay one's head on someone's shoulder, lay it on the line, etc. etc.). The two verbs are not interchangeable yet so many writers keep making the same elementary mistake... puzzling.

I also have to say that the closing line with that rhyme is a little too forced.

H

[Revolte]

I can't agree with cacian about the best line in the poem

so lonely as I lay I will not fight this sleep

because, much as I hate being pedantic, it's grammatically incorrect - unless the narrator is laying an egg as he waits for sleep to overtake him.

The word 'lay' is the present tense of the verb 'to lay' - which doesn't mean the same as 'to lie down'.
The word you no doubt intended was 'lie' because the poem is written in the present tense throughout and 'lie' is the present tense of 'to lie' (as in to tell a lie or to lie down).

For some reason American writers are unable to cope with the simple fact that 'lay' is the past tense of the verb 'to lie' as well as the present tense of a totally different verb - to 'lay' (as in lay an egg, lay the table, lay one's head on someone's shoulder, lay it on the line, etc. etc.). The two verbs are not interchangeable yet so many writers keep making the same elementary mistake... puzzling.

I also have to say that the closing line with that rhyme is a little too forced.

H

I think I found a pet peeve of yours hill :p

however I think I'm confused because it was in the attitude of "lay ones head on someone's shoulder", only laying his body on a bed, just replace head with body and shoulder with bed then it works yes? If not why not I wanna know.

[hillwalker]

Indeed - a pet hate that I get ample opportunity to exercise on here unfortunately.

'Lay' as the present tense of the verb 'to lay' is ok when used in 'I lay my head in your lap' but not when used in 'I'm tired now so I'm going to lay down'.
The verb 'lay' has to have something (grammatically - a direct object) following it for it to make sense. You can lay - a head on a pillow, a hand on a shoulder, a body on a bed, a cup on a saucer, your life on the line or whatever.

So 'to lay' is not the same as 'to lie'. You can't lie a head on a pillow can you? But you can lie down... period.

Of course, even more confusion arises because the past tense of 'lie' is 'lay' - so it's perfectly fine to write 'Yesterday I lay down'.

In the case of your poem you haven't written that you are laying anything down - just that you are laying. The only possible conclusion one can reach is that you are a chicken about to produce an egg... 0 ...hope that makes sense.

H