Guantanamo Bay Controversy

[CrazyTechnoBoy]

*I wrote all of this (except anything inside the quotation marks)*
How is this? How can I improve this?



Guantanamo Bay Controversy

Guantanamo Bay detention camp is a detainment and interrogation facility of the United States. It is located in Cuba, and its first detainees arrived at Guantanamo Bay on January 12, 2002. Right after the Bust Administration asserted that detainees were not obligated to any of the protections of the Geneva Convention, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that they were entitled to minimal protection. Even though Guantanamo Bay was just meant to hold detainees from war, President Obama unsuccessfully tried to close it down after many legal issues and deaths occurred, which gave Americans quite a bad reputation.

So what exactly happened that made Obama want to close Guantanamo Bay down? The Guantanamo Bay detention camp was established in 2002 by the Bush Administration to hold enemies of war from Afghanistan and Iraq. Since its establishment, many legal issues have occurred, such as the Combatant Status Review Tribunal, in which detainees were held in rulings to determine whether the detainee was actually an enemy combatant or not. Many detainees have also claimed that they were not treated well, such as being force fed, beaten, tortured, forcefully drugged, and even sexually abused. Many deaths have occurred, mostly suicides. On January 24, 2005, the U.S. Military revealed that 350 self-harm incidents occurred in just one year (2003). In the beginning of 2009, President Obama signed orders to suspend the proceedings of the Guantanamo Military commission for 120 days, and that the order would shut down the detention facility within a year of the signing. Just a week after the signing, a military judge at Guantanamo Bay rejected the request, making it almost impossible to shut down Guantanamo Bay.
Even though Obama unsuccessfully tried to close it down, he wasn’t quite done. In the beginning of 2011, President Obama signed the Defense authorization bill, which “[bans] the transfer of any detainees in Guantanamo Bay for trial and incarceration.” The bill also includes “provisions that make it very hard for the Obama administration to resettle or repatriate detainees abroad.” However, Obama strongly objects to the clauses and stated that he would work with Congress to change that. U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder has also said that the Obama administration will do its best to close down Guantanamo Bay before next year’s presidential elections.

The establishment of Guantanamo Bay affected the detainees the most. Whether the detainees were actually enemies of the U.S. or not, they all went through torture, beatings, and sexual abuse. It was reported that sexual methods were also used on Muslim prisoners by female interrogators to break them. By 2008, at least four suicides have occurred at Guantanamo Bay, and those suicides are the just the ones that have been announced to the public. Compare all this to any other prison. The Bush administration was the one who started, whether they had intentions of it or not. President Obama and the U.S. Congress are directly involved in this controversy because they are the ones taking action, trying to close Guantanamo Bay down.
The impact that the whole Guantanamo Bay detention camp controversy gave the American Society was that it gave them a bad reputation. Instead of making the U.S. look like the perfect country, it just makes the United States look like a heartless country. Even though the Americans didn’t really do anything, they are impacted by what the U.S. government has done. There are some Americans out there, protesting against Guantanamo Bay, which doesn’t really help, but shows that the United States doesn’t feel right about what’s happening.

As you can see, Guantanamo Bay detention camp has quite a lot of negative information. Most would say that what Guantanamo Bay is doing towards the detainees is downright wrong. But others would say that everything being done to them is right; the detainees deserve every bit of torture they receive. What do you think? The detainees are from war. They are considered enemies of the U.S. But how would you feel like if you were considered and enemy, and taken to a prison? You would be tortured every day for a long period of time. It’s almost time for you to be released, but a bill gets signed which bans the ability of you being transferred back to the U.S. But remember, you are the enemy. Guantanamo Bay was meant to just hold enemies of war, nothing else, but many legal issues and deaths occurred, which gave Americans a bad reputation. Obama tried to stop this from continuing, but failed. Now the U.S is determined to close Guantanamo Bay down.

[hillwalker]

Well, as it stands it's rather tedious to read – if it was presented to a news magazine for consideration most editors would say ‘cut, cut’ cut’. You repeat things unnecessarily as if you're trying to spin the piece out... so trimming it to the bare bones and perhaps looking again at what you're trying to say would definitely be an improvement.

Since it’s written as journalism rather than a personal opinion piece there are another couple of issues you need to address to make this more professional.

Typos are not allowed in a piece submitted for newspaper publication – check out that opening paragraph. ‘Bust administration’ might be a tongue-in-cheek reference to America’s economic health but I’m guessing you really meant ‘Bush’.

Wishy-washy comments like ‘…which gave Americans quite a bad (?) reputation.’ suggest a writer who is afraid to be truthful and analytical rather than a hard-hitting journalist. Everybody knows Guantanamo has seriously damaged America’s reputation so why try to lessen the impact?

Journalism is built upon facts not generalisations. Writing ‘Many deaths have occurred, mostly suicides.’ isn’t good enough – you have to quantify statements – how many deaths? – how many of these were suicides?

Similarly – ’ Whether the detainees were actually enemies of the U.S. or not, they all went through torture, beatings, and sexual abuse. is a hugely controversial statement to make without proof that every detainee has suffered in this way.

And adding the invitation that we ’ Compare all this to any other prison. - and we would find what? You don’t complete the thought... but if you are suggesting that mistreatment and suicides don’t occur in other prisons you are sadly misguided.

Finally, your conclusion : ’The impact that the whole Guantanamo Bay detention camp controversy gave the American Society was that it gave them a bad reputation. Instead of making the U.S. look like the perfect country, it just makes the United States look like a heartless country. is not only grammatically incorrect it's rather feeble. Are you suggesting we should disapprove of Guantanamo Bay because of the impression it gives the rest of the world concerning American society rather than because of the treatment of its inmates???

There’s a lot of work to be done but you have the framework for something. Look at how other journalists treat serious issues and try to consider where you’re falling short.

H

[CrazyTechnoBoy]

Well, as it stands it's rather tedious to read – if it was presented to a news magazine for consideration most editors would say ‘cut, cut’ cut’. You repeat things unnecessarily as if you're trying to spin the piece out... so trimming it to the bare bones and perhaps looking again at what you're trying to say would definitely be an improvement.

Since it’s written as journalism rather than a personal opinion piece there are another couple of issues you need to address to make this more professional.

Typos are not allowed in a piece submitted for newspaper publication – check out that opening paragraph. ‘Bust administration’ might be a tongue-in-cheek reference to America’s economic health but I’m guessing you really meant ‘Bush’.

Wishy-washy comments like ‘…which gave Americans quite a bad (?) reputation.’ suggest a writer who is afraid to be truthful and analytical rather than a hard-hitting journalist. Everybody knows Guantanamo has seriously damaged America’s reputation so why try to lessen the impact?

Journalism is built upon facts not generalisations. Writing ‘Many deaths have occurred, mostly suicides.’ isn’t good enough – you have to quantify statements – how many deaths? – how many of these were suicides?

Similarly – ’ Whether the detainees were actually enemies of the U.S. or not, they all went through torture, beatings, and sexual abuse. is a hugely controversial statement to make without proof that every detainee has suffered in this way.

And adding the invitation that we ’ Compare all this to any other prison. - and we would find what? You don’t complete the thought... but if you are suggesting that mistreatment and suicides don’t occur in other prisons you are sadly misguided.

Finally, your conclusion : ’The impact that the whole Guantanamo Bay detention camp controversy gave the American Society was that it gave them a bad reputation. Instead of making the U.S. look like the perfect country, it just makes the United States look like a heartless country. is not only grammatically incorrect it's rather feeble. Are you suggesting we should disapprove of Guantanamo Bay because of the impression it gives the rest of the world concerning American society rather than because of the treatment of its inmates???

There’s a lot of work to be done but you have the framework for something. Look at how other journalists treat serious issues and try to consider where you’re falling short.

H

Thank you for all the help. This writing is for my intro to literature class, and it's due tomorrow. I understand that I repeat things, but it's because I can't find anything else to say in each paragraph. It has to be a minimum of five paragraphs, and each paragraph needs at least eight sentences, so I'm trying to make up for the lack of sentences by including interesting information. I have to include "What happened? Why did it happen? Who was involved directly? Who was directly affected? How did it impact American society overall?" Any other advice?
Thanks. :)

*Just a random question* How is this for a 9th grader?

[hillwalker]

9th grade - is that 15-16 years old? We have different terms in the UK.
If that's the case it's not bad at all (apart from the holes I've already picked in some of your broaders statements).

As for repeating yourself to bulk up the piece, I'd recommend you try shortening the existing sentences instead rather than recycling the same material in order to finish up with 8 per paragraph. Even the best writers use short sentences you know.

Good luck in your literature class by the way.

h