Other Men

[deryk]

Other men crush my palm
with their handshakes and smiles.

They wear durable watches and
casually drink me under their
gin soaked desks before noon arrives,
shooting off quotes from sports icons
I'll never comprehend.

That modern guy in his Carrera
has enough restraining orders
to line his fist-cocked upholstery.
His grindcore bass lines batter
the chrome against the asphalt.
He gets laid nearly half
as often as he brags,
although the price is far stiffer
than his chlam-infected perm.
Even his hair loss looks better than mine.

Other men make me feel young
even when I am older.
Twenty-somethings grope trade secrets
from Maxim Magazines for the middle-aged.
They date each other's mothers
just to reminisce in forgotten plays.

Oh, I have my vicegrips.
This cat has to compensate,
ruining Ravel's string movements
with my own electric six,
spinning beauty into feedback
until the neighbors no longer
call the police, being content that
I do what I must with my
feminine jacket and long hair.

[Jack of Hearts]

This is pathetic. Not the poem itself, which seems to be quite effective at what it does, but the content seems to be about failed masculinity. A good offering about a sad subject (assuming this reader tracked it correctly?).







J

[deryk]

This is pathetic. Not the poem itself, which seems to be quite effective at what it does, but the content seems to be about failed masculinity. A good offering about a sad subject (assuming this reader tracked it correctly?).







J
Thank you Jack,
Yes, you tracked it correctly. I suppose the offering is that the narrator's view of masculinity might be skewed but it is still quite his own.

[Jack of Hearts]

What an odd thing to perceive, to make a poem about even. That's interesting and this reader waits to see where your next poem goes...






J

[Hawkman]

An interesting poem Deryk. It certainly comes over as anti-Jock! You lost me with "chlam-infected perms" though and again with:

"They date each other's mothers
just to reminisce in forgotten plays."

as I was unsure what twenty somethings had to reminisce about, unless the remeniscence referred to the mothers, in which case there is a problem in the expression.

However, there is some powerful imagery and clever writing in this piece.

Live and be well - H

[hillwalker]

Mid-life crisis skillfully encapsulated in verse - and I assumed his chlam-infected perm referred to some medical condition below the belt.

H

[deryk]

I'll be sure not to disappoint, Jack.


An interesting poem Deryk. It certainly comes over as anti-Jock! You lost me with "chlam-infected perms" though and again with:

"They date each other's mothers
just to reminisce in forgotten plays."

as I was unsure what twenty somethings had to reminisce about, unless the remeniscence referred to the mothers, in which case there is a problem in the expression.

However, there is some powerful imagery and clever writing in this piece.

Live and be well - H
Thanks Hawkman, I'm delighted that you mentioned it was anti-jock despite my only explicit use of 'jockness' on one line. Chlam(ydia)-infected perm was a bit dubious, I admit, fortunately Hillwalker managed to pick up on where I was going with it. The oedipal couplet doesn't work so well beyond the unconscious level...I probably should have scrapped the tail.


Mid-life crisis skillfully encapsulated in verse - and I assumed his chlam-infected perm referred to some medical condition below the belt.

H
Thank you, Hillwalker, positively correct on the liberties I took below the belt. Your mid-life crisis analysis reminds me of a friend who claimed he wished to be in his mid-thirties already(he's 26). I think we all make caricatures of ourselves at some point.

[firefangled]

I enjoyed this very much. The language fit superbly and was appropriately jarring. Well done!

[IceM]

Another poem with thinly-veiled jabs at rich people who cause the speaker to reconsider himself. There's nothing wrong with this, and I did enjoy the poem, Deryk; I just wonder, like Jack, where your next poem will go. The quiet backlash against a perceived enemy either speaks of further backlash or the progression to a new topic. I'm left wondering as to which will be the next topic.

[deryk]

Much obliged, firefangled!


Another poem with thinly-veiled jabs at rich people who cause the speaker to reconsider himself. There's nothing wrong with this, and I did enjoy the poem, Deryk; I just wonder, like Jack, where your next poem will go. The quiet backlash against a perceived enemy either speaks of further backlash or the progression to a new topic. I'm left wondering as to which will be the next topic.

I think it's interesting you immediately identified the poem as anti-rich, when there was a single mention of wealth. I suppose everyone is rich from my perspective. Once you live beneath the poverty line long enough, you become jealous of people that can afford things like comfortable shoes and theater tickets...given my much more extreme feelings in that direction, I don't think that was where I was coming from.

As for your analysis of my "quiet backlash against perceived enemies", perhaps my recent narrative voices are those of paranoid schizophrenia? Hahah!

I'm glad to have left you wondering, even if that wasn't my intention. I promise my next topic will be less "quiet". Thanks for your input, IceM.

[Fellsman]

Hi deryk


I will leave the deep analysis for others much better qualified than me at disecting (other people's poetry). I would say that this held my attention all the way through, and how many poems/short stories/ etc etc can one say that about?


Best wishes

Fellsman