Fading Fate

[C.S.]

This post is deleted.

[hillwalker]

I suppose this kind of stuff must appeal to some readers, but not me I'm afraid but I'll not let that influence my impression.

3 things come to mind that might help you in future:

1) It's written like a diary. One day this happened - then the next day that happened, then the day after something else happened. It's rather tedious, especially when every day's activities seem to have been accounted for whether something happens or not.
Most stories, like most good films, leave the boring bits out. You can probably work out for yourself which bits I'm talking about. There's an awful lot of trivial detail in this piece that slows things down. Whenever you decide to add a new bit to a story ask yourself 'Is this going to tell the reader more about the main character?' or 'Is this important for the plot?'. If the answer is 'No' that usually means it can be left out.
In Section 1, for example, nothing actually happens - except we get to know who everyone is... not the most gripping way to start a story if you want your readers to stick with it.
Also the closing line of this section was obviously added on as an afterthought so that we know in advance who Callie is - it's a bit of a clumsy touch.

2) There are too many characters to keep track of - this is presumably a short story rather than a 600-page saga so you are better sticking with as few players as possible. For example you can kill mom and Mrs Patterson off right away (not literally, obviously). Did it add anything to the overall plot telling us that mom was on the phone to Mrs Patterson (who's a nice neighbour)? I think not.

3) If you're writing dialogue it's standard practice to start a new paragraph whenever someone new begins to speak - even if they only say one word (a bit like a drama script). That way it's easier to keep track of who's speaking.
And again you seem to have recorded everything that was said whether it was relevant to the story line or not - which makes it rather tedious to read towards the end, a bit like listening in onto some slushy telephone conversation

I can tell you loved writing this - but that doesn't necessarily mean every reader is going to be just as thrilled. Don't give up on this writing craze but just be a little more selective when deciding what to include and what to leave out.

good luck

H

[C.S.]

I suppose this kind of stuff must appeal to some readers, but not me I'm afraid but I'll not let that influence my impression.

3 things come to mind that might help you in future:

1) It's written like a diary. One day this happened - then the next day that happened, then the day after something else happened. It's rather tedious, especially when every day's activities seem to have been accounted for whether something happens or not.
Most stories, like most good films, leave the boring bits out. You can probably work out for yourself which bits I'm talking about. There's an awful lot of trivial detail in this piece that slows things down. Whenever you decide to add a new bit to a story ask yourself 'Is this going to tell the reader more about the main character?' or 'Is this important for the plot?'. If the answer is 'No' that usually means it can be left out.
In Section 1, for example, nothing actually happens - except we get to know who everyone is... not the most gripping way to start a story if you want your readers to stick with it.
Also the closing line of this section was obviously added on as an afterthought so that we know in advance who Callie is - it's a bit of a clumsy touch.

2) There are too many characters to keep track of - this is presumably a short story rather than a 600-page saga so you are better sticking with as few players as possible. For example you can kill mom and Mrs Patterson off right away (not literally, obviously). Did it add anything to the overall plot telling us that mom was on the phone to Mrs Patterson (who's a nice neighbour)? I think not.

3) If you're writing dialogue it's standard practice to start a new paragraph whenever someone new begins to speak - even if they only say one word (a bit like a drama script). That way it's easier to keep track of who's speaking.
And again you seem to have recorded everything that was said whether it was relevant to the story line or not - which makes it rather tedious to read towards the end, a bit like listening in onto some slushy telephone conversation

I can tell you loved writing this - but that doesn't necessarily mean every reader is going to be just as thrilled. Don't give up on this writing craze but just be a little more selective when deciding what to include and what to leave out.

good luck

H
First, I'd like to thank you for reading it and writing your comment.

1) I mean to write it as a diary. And yeah, there are a lot of characters, but I mean it because some of them will be used strongly later on.
2) I've been told to add more details before, so now I'm puzzled, should I remove the details or not.
3) You're right, I should leave spaces between the conversations. thanks

Yeah, I am loving this dearly,but remember that it's just a free-style writing. I won't "publish" this or print it out as a book. So, it's like 'doodling'. And I don't know, if the readers wouldn't like that because it's "Boring", I should give up already lol (:

Thank you.

[hillwalker]

Yeah, I am loving this dearly... I won't "publish" this or print it out as a book. So, it's like 'doodling'. And I don't know, if the readers wouldn't like that because it's "Boring"

Don't give up! I know several girls who enjoy this kind of gushing material where they seem to be living somebody else's life...

By trivial details I mean those details that are irrelevant - for example, the underlined bits below don't drive this piece forwards:

The next morning when I arrived at college, Nate and Nick were out of sight, but I saw Judi standing with Callie talking

or

The following day, woke up, wore the new clothes, wore my lenses and drove to college. I arrived, and walking towards my friends’ group, kind of ashamed of myself, as I approached...

There seems an awful lot to trudge through to spot what's happening next.

Also, the narrator is a guy named Luke but your work bears all the hallmarks of a feminine writer's touch. I'm not criticising you for pretending to be what you're not, I very often do that myself and it's a fascinating way to stretch your imagination. Just curious that's all - and you don't have to reply either way.

H

[C.S.]

Alright, alright, I'll change that. I give up already xD

thanks.

[hillwalker]

Perhaps you should preserve this kind of stuff in a private journal for your own personal entertainment and try posting something that's going to appeal to a wider audience. Giving up at your first attempt seems rather drastic.

H

[C.S.]

Ok, thanks?