Severed

[smerdyakov]

Trodden upon and smeared like dogsh1t on a pavement
beneath the stretching clutch of fingers
crimpled face wet with grief
and chest-heaves of sorrow

the germ embedded in the brain
behind the eyes
the images etched indelibly
I swore limbs had been torn asunder
the memories won't survive the host
nor the host the memories


I am missing you as i walk about
but am also missing myself
I scoff at the facetiousness of fools who would know lovel-ost
lest they lecture me

I look down now with cold eye and see love torn asunder
in reverse, looking in a mirror I see now the countenance
of the cruel betrayer, wicked dissembler
the thief who would murder fortunes chances
one who would sell heaven's mana in the marketplace
in return for hell's vagaries

[cafolini]

The ending is quite strong and truthful.

[Buh4Bee]

facetiousness? 3stanza, l3

[smerdyakov]

Thanks, B. Indeed it should be

[smerdyakov]

it was warm for November
but it won't last he thought
the Liffey was black
and the leaves had flown from the trees

the streets were busy
people swaddled in furs and hats
the shop-fronts dazzled the eye
it was good to walk alone he thought

he cut through Stephen's Green
remembering the strolls they used to have
he and her and a duet of laughs
hurriedly he passed by the pond
where they fed the ducks one afternoon

past the fountain where he playfully pushed her then
caught her before she fell
through the watchful chesnut trees where they lay
in the giddy grass, chatting endlessly
but now memories haunted every corner
stalking him like easy game

[Hawkman]

Hello smerdyakov. I'm afraid I found the first post in this thread diminished by some of it's peculiarities of expression. Crimpled I can live with as an expressive word but, I really don't like "and chest heaves of sorrow" in context. Chest-heaving I think would be better. The Germ should be embedded in the brain. What are "sweared limbs"?

S3, with it's double line space separating it from the previous verse, and the shift into 1st person reads like a different poem. I'm personally not a fan of unpunctuated poetry with lower case personal pronons or the lack of capitalisation of the first letter at the beginning of a new sentence.

The brief foreay into alliteration maintained with an out of context archaicism, lest, does rather stand out and jar a little and I feel that the repetion of phrases doesn't help the poem much. However the last Stanza is the strongest, with some good expression.

A Stroll

I think the the digressions into the un named subject's thoughts are a mistake. Perhaps if the "he thought" was continued as a refrain throughout the piece it might have been more successful but you seem to have abandoned it half way through. I think as a more observational 3rd party narrative it works better though.

The poem is much stronger from S3, although "he and her and a duet of laughs" might be better as "he and she, laughing in duet" (it's certainly more gramatical) Him and her, he and she.

I rather think that "he playfully pushed her" is a split infinitive. Better to say, "he pushed her playfully," or "playfully, he pushed her."

This, to me at least, is a much stronger poem. There is some very affecting imagery in here and I enjoyed it quite a lot.

Live and be well - H

[smerdyakov]

Hi Hawkman. Thanks for the critique. In respect of the first poem, it should be "I swore" (bad mistake on my part). Looking at it now this poem needs to be re-worked, or maybe just binned altogether.

The latter poem I decided needs the shift into the character's thoughts as the poem is about reminiscence.

Your feedback is appreciated.

[Jack of Hearts]

'A Stroll' seems like a fine step in the right direction. The first poem probably needs a little more spit and shine though- it's kind of rough going for your reader.






J