Gotham

[Haunted]

a cold November rain
falls over twilight traffic
taillights reflect on slick roads
like neon red ribbons
on a psychedelic dance floor
140 miles wide and
4 hours long

I thought about turning back
a fusion style 2-point touch-step
back into solitary denial
but she said she missed me
and this is her special night...

the viewing started early
a subdued line of fans and friends
serpentines the room
down the hallway and
into the fading street

tonight the City’s goddess
gave up her gothic black
for a soft Victorian pink gown

flowers and florets in all shapes
of imagination surround her
my eyes rest on the angel wings
made of ivory flesh color roses
and cascading white feathers
ready for her final flight

going home it’s still raining
this time in heavy black mascara




. . . . . . . . . . .

in loving memory of a performer, teacher and friend
killed by drunk driver

http://www.online-literature.com/forums/picture.php?albumid=485&pictureid=9291

[Hawkman]

Hi Haunted. This is an outstanding poem. I have to ask about, "...a soft Victorian pink gown" though. Is Victorian Pink a colour or does the adjective Victorian refer to the style or age of the gown?

"magnificent wreaths surround her
but none quite like the angel wings
made of fresh ivory color roses
and a cascade of white feathers"

I also have a little trouble getting the sense of this. Are you saying she is now an angel and has these wings, or are they a reference to something unrevealed in the poem?

Given the line spacing, is the final italicised verse part of the poem or a seperate comment?

Regardless of my minor queries this is a moving piece and it communicates atmosphere and the sadness at the loss of a friend very effectively.

Live and be well - H

[sadhana]

tonight the City’s goddess
gave up her gothic black
for a soft Victorian pink gown.
I really love these lines for their mysteryand suggestiveness. Gothic black and victorian pink, are not only contrasts in Age but contrasts in demeanour, values, colour etc.

[hillwalker]

A very touching poem - some memorable lines.

But I'm not so sure about verse 2. That sticks out as a rather throwaway piece of prose; the author's personal intrusion that doesn't add anything to what is otherwise a wonderful piece.

H

[PrinceMyshkin]

The grief in this is so heartfelt and so vividly conveyed.

[Haunted]

Hawk, you posed some challenging questions but really good questions. Sometimes my contracted expressions may just well be too contracted, lol.

Is Victorian Pink a colour or does the adjective Victorian refer to the style or age of the gown?

I have to say both. It's Victorian gothic style, which I hope would present a visual of lace and velvet and chiffon. There are many hues and shades of pink, some screaming loud, but "Victorian pink" pretty much ruled out "hot pink". It's more of dusty or dreamy in look and feel.

Are you saying she is now an angel and has these wings, or are they a reference to something unrevealed in the poem?

No, it's an angel wings wreath, in the shape and form of angel wings. I could change the first "wreaths" to flowers, but there's something mysterious about just saying "angel wings" as I can see how it's stretching Hawk's imagination so I am definitely keeping it :D

The line spacing is part of the poem. I should use a different type treatment for the personal comments. Good observation.

You raise some very thoughtful points, thanks and keep them coming!


sadhana, you have a fine eye for fashion details despite the sparse descriptions. Welcome and hope you will grace the forum with your writing.


Hill, you are spot on with that critique. I had more of that which I cut down and at one point I took it all out to see how it reads. I'd prefer not to have that BUT without it, the last stanza would be so disconnected like it's coming from a fanatical stalker, lol, so I decided to keep it. I'm aware of the prosaic quality and it bothers me too but it was late and I couldn't come up with anything better. But I agree and I'll work on it.


Prince, thanks for your comment. It's hard to see someone so talented and kind as Jeni to die so young.

[Hawkman]

Yeah, Haunted, that sorted the angel wings :D I'd still be inclined to cut that last verse though, but I understand your reluctance. If it must be there, put it at the beginning. It then helps to put the whole poem into context.

Live and be well and Happy Thanksgiving.

H

[qimissung]

I am so sorry about your friend. Your poem is loving and the grief expressed very fresh and real. Actually, when you mentioned Victorian pink that's what I pictured-something in a dusty rose.

I thought you evoked the feeling of loss quite well...if the epigraph is part of the poem, I think you probably ought not to keep that. Otherwise, it's lovely.

[Haunted]

So Hawk, Qim, both of you have problem with the last stanza. It's actually how the poem started, with just those lines. So Hawk there's merit in your suggestion about making it the beginning if I'm to keep it at all, but then it's giving the whole thing away. I'll replace it with a different wrap up. Let me know if it comes off as a bit gratuitous.

[qimissung]

I like that a bit better Haunted. I think, seeing the change you made, that the problem I had was that it was so different in style from the poem. This is more in keeping.

[Hawkman]

Yes, it works much better now, Haunted. :)

live long and prosper - H

[hillwalker]

This is so much better - you did well to sleep on it.

H

[Haunted]

I just tweaked it just a tiny bit more. Thanks Qim, Hawk and Hill for your input.

[cacian]

chilling and very deep poem.. and so very sad and devastated to hear about your friend.
Beautiful resounding thoughts.

[blank|verse]

Sorry to hear about your friend, Haunted, and I imagine this wasn't easy to write. I thought it was poignantly written, and conveys the loss and love for your friend. The contrast in imagery between her gothic black and the pink gown is well achieved, and affecting without becoming sentimental.

Just a couple of suggestions - I'm not sure about the 'psychodelic dance floor'. If it's intended as a neologism (not the standard 'psychedelic') then it perhaps conveys the madness and danger of the roads or highways; but either way, I'm unsure about the comparison with a 'dance floor'.

And I thought the final image was well chosen, but wonder if you could tighten the last stanza to something like:

going home
the rain is heavy
black mascara
Still, a poignant poem.

[Bar22do]

a cold November rain
falls over twilight traffic
taillights reflect on slick roads
like neon red ribbons
on a psychodelic dance floor
140 miles wide and
4 hours long

I thought about turning back
a fusion style 2-point touch-step
back into solitary denial
but she said she missed me
and this is her special night...

the viewing started early
a subdued line of fans and friends
serpentines the room
down the hallway and
into the fading street

tonight the City’s goddess
gave up her gothic black
for a soft Victorian pink gown

flowers and florets in all shapes
of imagination surround her
my eyes rest on the angel wings
made of ivory flesh color roses
and cascading white feathers
ready for her final flight

going home it’s still raining
this time in heavy black mascara




. . . . . . . . . . .

in loving memory of a performer, teacher and friend
killed by drunk driver

http://www.online-literature.com/forums/picture.php?albumid=485&pictureid=9291

I loved your original, the revision is still better, Haunted.

I'm sorry for the brutal loss of your friend. Your poem is a poignant, rewarding tribute to her memory.

Hugs from Bar

P.S. I'm quoting the poem to unbury it from under the posts!

[Haunted]

Thanks cacian for your kind comment!

b/v, it sure was, I couldn't get the night of the wake out of my mind until I finished writing this. Good that you pointed it out, psychodelic is a typo, oops. I like your suggestion with the last stanza, but I'll stay with what I have now to keep in line the straightforwardness in sentence structure in the rest of the poem. But as always it's great to get your input.

Bar thanks! Pleased that the original version worked for you. Like you and everyone else, I agree this is smoother. I'll spin off the original for another poem, someday.

And thanks all for your condolences, much appreciated.

[firefangled]

I am late to reply, and have nothing to add to what has been said. I think it is a very touching poem. Sorry to hear about your friend.

[Haunted]

Fire, it's never too late to hear your feedback, I welcome your comments anytime you find the time to read it. Thanks for your thoughtfulness.