Dora's Sacrifice

[rottenapples]

Hi! This is my first completed short story, let me know if it's any good. I think there may be some indentation issues...

The door opens, and a short man of about 40 years of age steps out to smulgy approach his audience. He briefly scans the crowd in an effort to distinguish to those who may be undercover agents or the likes. Having concluded each individual is truly a member of the Pro-Life Allies, as evidenced by their distressed countences, he proceeds with his speech.
"Friends," he stammers, "drastic measures must be taken to ensure each child of the planet has the opportunity to serve the Lord, just as He intended. The pro-choice imbusals, as stubborn as they are, do not have the Lord on their side. We must prove to him our loyalty..."

The people move out into the streets, all the while talking with excitement, the kind that is fueled only by fear.
"Could we really..."
"Would the Lord really want..."
"I say the elders first..."
"Listen!"
Their blank and sullen faces turn simultaneously to Dora Wilkins, an astute woman of 35 years.
"This is wrong. Are you really going to listen to Todd this time? At what age is murder justifiable? By the hands of whom? Does an unborn child have more merit than I? This has gone much too far, we should recognize that suicide, even in the form of protest, is not what God wants."
She takes a moment to gather her thoughts, when she realizes Todd, the Leader, is standing among her newly-formed crowd.
"Todd, I admire and respect almost all of the decisions you've made in the past. I have no doubt in my mind you are truly a man sent from the Lord to serve and to help guide us. But your new idea, to sacrifice our own kind for the unborn, just to prove the point, is extremley misguided."
Todd was startled. Much too shocked to respond at first, until his anger grew so greatly, it just fizzled out, to where he surprsingly enough was able to respond to her outbreak with serenity.
"Dora, my child, come to my office. You have a lot to learn, dear."
In his office, Todd flashed his boyish smile and offered her a chair. She wearily obliged and awaited the inevitable pinch that would be the needle of the syringe.
"You know," he began, "it takes a lot of courage to denounce my name in front of the community like that. Are you proud of what you've done, child?"
"No, sir,"
"Good. Hold still."
The trust serum shot through her veins, rendering Dora weak both mentally and physically. Over the next half-hour, she listened to every word of his so frequently repeated speech. It was a modern, even more twisted version of Johnathan Edward's "Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God", but concerned only abortion. The words were spewed through Todd's mouth like bullets in a gun.
"We, the chosen messengers of God, are fully committed to pursuing His, and only His interests. I repeat, we are fully committed. We posess the capacity and obligatoion to serve our Lord and must do whatever it takes. Do you understand?" Dora nodded. "Good, in which case may I suggest you be our first representative of our truly admirable dedication to all things holy. You have demonstrated your weakness...your vulnerability...your infaillibility...We would be better off without this negative influence. For God himself, Dora, show the public the way"
Dora hesitated, fearing the worst.
"Are you really suggesting I be the first of us to commit suicide? Isn't it a sin, Father?"
"Not when it helps to preserve the teachings of Jesus Christ" he replied.
Dora fell asleep that night in the comfort of her metal cot, lying systematically next to all the other members of the Pro Life Allies. Dreary from the previous administration of drugs, her dream was vivid and graphic in its message.
It was Christmas evening, and Dora was just a child helping to tidy up the farm, where she lived. Approaching the chicken coop, she spotted her father slaughtering Henry, her favorite chicken. Wailing and struggling, Henry tried incessently to escape the oh-so-dull blad which grudgingly dismembered his sad head from his pathetic body. Dora wailed even louder. Her father turned to comfort her. "Sweetheart, Henry died so others may live. Had I not used his flesh for our meal, would I not have had to kill something else? The pigs? The cows? Even the eggs, his very own children? Henry's death was nothing short of noble," her father explained.
And with that relevation, Dora awoke to find her opinions greatly altered. "I must die," she thought, "so my children may live,"
Though Todd never allowed his followers any make-up, as it was blasphemy to mask God's own creations, this was a special occasion. Dora lined her eyes and lips, accentuating her feminine features. Sitting on a stool, she sat, waiting for the cameras to light up. She kept her sweaty fingers grasped around the cold handle of the gun.
It was difficult to maintain her focus. Having to constantly remind herself that her actions would be worthy, Dora found her dedication to the cause slowly fading. Yet in honoring the unborn, both those to remain nameless in eternity as well as the prospective, Dora believed she was truly deserving of whatever pain Death would cause her. If only-
"Annnnnnd action!" yelled the camera man.
Her execution of the speech was flawless from the first take.
"America," she began, "I have yet to see a day where all citizens are really granted equal protection under the law. We are a nation 'Under God, invidivisible, with liberty and justice for all', yet we have become divisible, only at the hands of the pro-choicers. their committment to the anti-christ has perfectly demonstrated their weakness, accentuating our strength. I, the weakest of the Pro Life Allies, can even overcome the influence of the Devil. I am giving this public service announcement today, so that my children may live. Through my impending actions, I will show you today that the devil cannot get me. I will show you what my love and dedication to the Lord has given me the strength to do."
and with that, she placed the barrel of the gun in her mouth, her heart beating, her blood rushing, and her thoughts racing. "35 years is a long time," she thought, "the metal tastes bitter...Oh God help me, I'm going to die...Help me mom, mom, help me dad, please...God, I'm so scared..." but her thoughts were cut off when she pulled the trigger, terminating the tragically misguided and impressionable mess that was Dora's life.
* * * *
Todd, still shaken from the incident, sulked into his office, almost as if struck with guilt.
"Friends, children, one of our own has completed a true act of courage tonight,"
The sobs and tears which filled the room were not of grief or despair, but rather some sort of barbaric gratitude.
"Let us view this revolutionary event Dora Wilkins so bravely completed before we show the others in the nation the way of the lord," he said.
The television was turned on, and the disc was in, yet the screen remained black. Suddenly, the speakers blared:
"America, I have yet to see a day..."
"Where is the picture? I-Johnny, where is the picture? Where is Dora? Johnny! Why is the screen black?" Todd shouted.
He ran frantically back to where the video was just filmed and stopped dead in his tracks. Shaking, he neared the front of the camera, and fell to the floor in anguish. The lens cap was still on.

[hillwalker]

For a first post this was an intriguing read so well done.

But I’m always amazed how many aspiring writers seem to struggle with the opening line of their short story. Yours is no exception – do we need to know right away that he’s short and about 40 even before you introduce the main character? I would say not.
Openings are important – it’s a bit like browsing on the web. If something catches your eye or tweaks your curiosity you’ll look closer. If not you’ll pass and move on. Starting the story the way you do here isn’t going to grab anyone’s attention. You need to drop the reader into the heart of the action right from the first word.
So in this case you need to begin with his eyes scanning the audience for undercover agents. Don’t tell us who he is or who the undercover agents might be. Keep us guessing a little longer so that we’re forced to continue reading. Once we’re hooked you have an opportunity to feed in a little extra background detail if it’s relevant to the plot. If it’s not, leave it out.

Another piece of advice most creative writing teachers always give is be very careful of adverbs. They are a lazy writer’s way of filling in blanks and rarely serve any purpose.
Writing how he smugly (?) approaches his audience doesn’t tell the reader very much. What do you mean by smugly? Was he smirking with arrogance, marching confidently to the lectern, snarling at the idiots in the crowd?? I’ve no idea. You’re the writer – it’s up to you to tell us.
The same could be said of ‘briefly scans the crowd’ and ‘truly a member’. The underlined words add nothing of value to the plot development so can be removed.

As far as plot pacing is concerned I thought the jump from the stage to the streets outside was too abrupt. Perhaps you could mention the reaction Todd gets at the end of his speech then describe the crowd leaving the theatre, etc. etc.

As well as adverbs you also tend to throw in extra adjectives needlessly.
What you should be doing is revealing a little more of the characters’ attributes through their behaviour :
for example Their blank and sullen faces turn simultaneously to Dora Wilkins, an astute woman of 35 years.
Despite all the underlined words we still don’t know very much about Dora. What do you mean by ’astute’? Isn’t there a better way of revealing Dora’s astuteness? Just telling us she is smart is unlikely to stick in the reader’s mind. It would be more effective if you gave us an example of how you know she's intelligent.

The dialogue is also a little off. Dora’s speech is just that – a speech. No one speaks in such long, coherent paragraphs. And the propaganda Todd spouts is rather grandiose and becomes quite boring after a while. I skipped most of it because it was mumbo-jumbo. If your intention was to kick off some kind of debate regarding the value of life I’m not sure it succeeded.

I also got confused by Todd’s mood swings within that long, rambling sentence after he was startled.

And I won’t keep going on about the over-abundance of adverbs and adjectives. You’ll be able to pick them out yourself I’m sure and do what’s necessary. You might be surprised by how many there are that add nothing to the story.

The plot took a long time to get moving but I found this sentence effective:
’She… awaited the inevitable pinch that would be the needle of the syringe.’
It adds a touch of suspense that I wasn’t expecting and makes the reader sit up and take note. What’s about to happen now?

But I’m wondering why Todd was shaken near the end. Surely he intended Dora to take her own life.

Having said all that, it’s an original exploration of cultism and I liked the ironic ending. With a little trimming – and perhaps some fleshing out of the two main characters – this has potential.

One last question though - What are ’imbusals’? Did you mean ‘imbeciles’?

H

[Ryan123]

Hi! This is my first completed short story, let me know if it's any good. I think there may be some indentation issues...

The door opens, and a short man of about 40 years of age steps out to smulgy approach his audience. He briefly scans the crowd in an effort to distinguish to those who may be undercover agents or the likes. Having concluded each individual is truly a member of the Pro-Life Allies, as evidenced by their distressed countences, he proceeds with his speech.
"Friends," he stammers, "drastic measures must be taken to ensure each child of the planet has the opportunity to serve the Lord, just as He intended. The pro-choice imbusals, as stubborn as they are, do not have the Lord on their side. We must prove to him our loyalty..."

The people move out into the streets, all the while talking with excitement, the kind that is fueled only by fear.
"Could we really..."
"Would the Lord really want..."
"I say the elders first..."
"Listen!"
Their blank and sullen faces turn simultaneously to Dora Wilkins, an astute woman of 35 years.
"This is wrong. Are you really going to listen to Todd this time? At what age is murder justifiable? By the hands of whom? Does an unborn child have more merit than I? This has gone much too far, we should recognize that suicide, even in the form of protest, is not what God wants."
She takes a moment to gather her thoughts, when she realizes Todd, the Leader, is standing among her newly-formed crowd.
"Todd, I admire and respect almost all of the decisions you've made in the past. I have no doubt in my mind you are truly a man sent from the Lord to serve and to help guide us. But your new idea, to sacrifice our own kind for the unborn, just to prove the point, is extremley misguided."
Todd was startled. Much too shocked to respond at first, until his anger grew so greatly, it just fizzled out, to where he surprsingly enough was able to respond to her outbreak with serenity.
"Dora, my child, come to my office. You have a lot to learn, dear."
In his office, Todd flashed his boyish smile and offered her a chair. She wearily obliged and awaited the inevitable pinch that would be the needle of the syringe.
"You know," he began, "it takes a lot of courage to denounce my name in front of the community like that. Are you proud of what you've done, child?"
"No, sir,"
"Good. Hold still."
The trust serum shot through her veins, rendering Dora weak both mentally and physically. Over the next half-hour, she listened to every word of his so frequently repeated speech. It was a modern, even more twisted version of Johnathan Edward's "Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God", but concerned only abortion. The words were spewed through Todd's mouth like bullets in a gun.
"We, the chosen messengers of God, are fully committed to pursuing His, and only His interests. I repeat, we are fully committed. We posess the capacity and obligatoion to serve our Lord and must do whatever it takes. Do you understand?" Dora nodded. "Good, in which case may I suggest you be our first representative of our truly admirable dedication to all things holy. You have demonstrated your weakness...your vulnerability...your infaillibility...We would be better off without this negative influence. For God himself, Dora, show the public the way"
Dora hesitated, fearing the worst.
"Are you really suggesting I be the first of us to commit suicide? Isn't it a sin, Father?"
"Not when it helps to preserve the teachings of Jesus Christ" he replied.
Dora fell asleep that night in the comfort of her metal cot, lying systematically next to all the other members of the Pro Life Allies. Dreary from the previous administration of drugs, her dream was vivid and graphic in its message.
It was Christmas evening, and Dora was just a child helping to tidy up the farm, where she lived. Approaching the chicken coop, she spotted her father slaughtering Henry, her favorite chicken. Wailing and struggling, Henry tried incessently to escape the oh-so-dull blad which grudgingly dismembered his sad head from his pathetic body. Dora wailed even louder. Her father turned to comfort her. "Sweetheart, Henry died so others may live. Had I not used his flesh for our meal, would I not have had to kill something else? The pigs? The cows? Even the eggs, his very own children? Henry's death was nothing short of noble," her father explained.
And with that relevation, Dora awoke to find her opinions greatly altered. "I must die," she thought, "so my children may live,"
Though Todd never allowed his followers any make-up, as it was blasphemy to mask God's own creations, this was a special occasion. Dora lined her eyes and lips, accentuating her feminine features. Sitting on a stool, she sat, waiting for the cameras to light up. She kept her sweaty fingers grasped around the cold handle of the gun.
It was difficult to maintain her focus. Having to constantly remind herself that her actions would be worthy, Dora found her dedication to the cause slowly fading. Yet in honoring the unborn, both those to remain nameless in eternity as well as the prospective, Dora believed she was truly deserving of whatever pain Death would cause her. If only-
"Annnnnnd action!" yelled the camera man.
Her execution of the speech was flawless from the first take.
"America," she began, "I have yet to see a day where all citizens are really granted equal protection under the law. We are a nation 'Under God, invidivisible, with liberty and justice for all', yet we have become divisible, only at the hands of the pro-choicers. their committment to the anti-christ has perfectly demonstrated their weakness, accentuating our strength. I, the weakest of the Pro Life Allies, can even overcome the influence of the Devil. I am giving this public service announcement today, so that my children may live. Through my impending actions, I will show you today that the devil cannot get me. I will show you what my love and dedication to the Lord has given me the strength to do."
and with that, she placed the barrel of the gun in her mouth, her heart beating, her blood rushing, and her thoughts racing. "35 years is a long time," she thought, "the metal tastes bitter...Oh God help me, I'm going to die...Help me mom, mom, help me dad, please...God, I'm so scared..." but her thoughts were cut off when she pulled the trigger, terminating the tragically misguided and impressionable mess that was Dora's life.
* * * *
Todd, still shaken from the incident, sulked into his office, almost as if struck with guilt.
"Friends, children, one of our own has completed a true act of courage tonight,"
The sobs and tears which filled the room were not of grief or despair, but rather some sort of barbaric gratitude.
"Let us view this revolutionary event Dora Wilkins so bravely completed before we show the others in the nation the way of the lord," he said.
The television was turned on, and the disc was in, yet the screen remained black. Suddenly, the speakers blared:
"America, I have yet to see a day..."
"Where is the picture? I-Johnny, where is the picture? Where is Dora? Johnny! Why is the screen black?" Todd shouted.
He ran frantically back to where the video was just filmed and stopped dead in his tracks. Shaking, he neared the front of the camera, and fell to the floor in anguish. The lens cap was still on.


I liked it. I was at the edge of my seat for the last half, and the first half was appealing enough to keep my interest.

In case you don't know, smugly is spelt wrong, and you started a sentence with a lower case t for the word "their".