This Will Pass

[smerdyakov]

days all the same like fast passing trains
the promise of June soon turns to fall
and plans seem to fail like the scattering of
sun rays by night's army
fall turns to winter which seems to stop
dead-like frosted wings will wait for the sun

oh seasons have come and gone we all knew
but each time they do seems like never before
so i sit and wait for gardens to bloom
knowing nature's inevitability
now that youth has passed

when stuck in a rut
remember all things will pass
that light will come again
as surely as the sun will rise
nature has its own time
it is surer than man's time

[Jack of Hearts]

Hi smerd.

There's a lot about this poem that this reader can really get behind. The first stanza has some fine use of language. Also, this poem is definitely and clearly 'about something' (you'd be surprised how much of the battle that can be sometimes).

You're a better man than this reader for avoiding rhyme.

Mostly, the last stanza is what this reader doesn't think is up to par by comparison. Looking back, do you see how this stanza is different than the others?

This reader thinks if you cut away the fat and play with it a little, you've already got enough substance there to make this poem even better.






J

[smerdyakov]

Thanks J, your feedback is appreciated.
I never write poetry and very rarely read it, but I thought I'd give it a lash and see what happens :smile5:

[Jack of Hearts]

Well it definitely seems like you've got a natural aptitude. Keep at it and keep sharing!





J

[hillwalker]

In my opinion V3 is unnecessary - it's like you're trying to explain to the reader what the first 2 verses were supposed to be about. That's not the poet's job - give your readers enough credit to reach their own conclusions (and if they find something different than you intended all the better).

The first two verses show you have an aptitude for poetry - though I'd advise you to trim it back a little. Try to see where you're saying the same thing twice and choose instead the best way to say it once and once only.
You have also allowed the metaphor in the first verse to run away with itself - adding bits like 'night's army' that detract rather than enhance.

But overall an accomplished effort.

H

[smerdyakov]

Cheers for the feedback, H. I will change the last stanza, as you suggested.

[spally]

i simply liked it. i can't give anything indepth because my own lacks itself. so all i can say is that i really liked it

[smerdyakov]

Thanks, S. I'm glad you liked it. :smile5: