Pacific Lullaby (California Endings)

[Jack of Hearts]

Removed by author.

[smerdyakov]

I enjoyed it. The last two lines are especially pleasant on the ear. Good stuff.

[blank|verse]

I found this quite a disturbing lullaby, Jack! The opening is pretty aggressive, not only the word 'slash' but the way it's used as an imperative, commanding someone (the reader?) to attack the sun, it seems; the following couplet sounds more like a lullaby, but are more sinister given the first stanza.

The rest of the poem seems gentler, but is quite abstract. This reader is left wondering exactly what 'tone sails the breath' means. I can only kind of see what you're getting at. 'Soft blooms the nighttime' continues shifting syntax, this time archaically; I'm reminded of F. Scott Fitzgerald's 'Tender is the night' here.

Overall, I can sense the desire to write something innovative and to use language imaginatively, which is no bad thing; I just wonder if the end result has been satisfyingly achieved.

[Jack of Hearts]

Well thanks for reading, you two. As usual, one foot in front of the other with every attempt.








J

[Bar22do]

Hey Jack of Hearts, I suppose you could do without "slash". And forgive my taking some liberty and paraphrasing your lullaby, hope am not too invasive, but here it's how it sang to me:

When the tangerine sun
shows itself streaked with pink,
clouds roll forward to tuck
our light to sleep. At dusk,
a gentle breath evokes words
scented with evening blooms,
adrift in a strange country,
in memories and dreams.

So there was definitely an atmosphere in it, it spoke to my soul! Thank you for sharing! Best to you, Bar

[hillwalker]

Personally I'd most definitely stick with 'Slash' because this isn't just a sweet little nursery rhyme. There are hints of darker elements at play - possibly one final twlight in California before the San Andreas shrugs its shoulders.

'tone sails the breath' - grammatically and syntactically meaningless but it fits well with the line that follows and makes the reader sit up and wonder: what?

H

[Jack of Hearts]

Well thank you all. This reader has been feeling a little creatively bankrupt lately and probably working too hard at it to make anything good.

This definitely wasn't intended for children. When this reader imagined 'tone sails the breath, words tow underneath' he was thinking about someone reciting an ending/conclusion to something, where the other party hears more of the speaker's tone than the actual words spoken. And of course it's sailing as a reference to the Pacific Ocean, in the same way one is adrift, etc.

This is a poem about endings and putting things to rest and sadness. But if you didn't pick up on that, it's because it's way too obscure and this reader's having a hard time writing right now.






J

[qimissung]

Poems are meant to be symbolic in nature and mysterious-don't be so hard on yourself, Jack. Although I feel the same way about the things I write when the muse is silent.

[Jack of Hearts]

Thanks for reading. It's good to know you relate.

There are just these really great, deep moments of inspiration and when you feel them you want to live there forever.






J

[firefangled]

Deliciously haunting lullaby. I would not change a thing. Ambiguous phrases, done well, are a never closing doorway into possibility, "tone sails the breath" is such a doorway. Not everything in a poem need be resolved.

Stevens's Of Mere Being has always been that kind of poem for me.

[Jack of Hearts]

Thanks Mr. fangled.

Here's to continually reaching for something closer to perfection.






J

[IceM]

Slash the tangerine sun
with a streaked edge of pink,

clouds will roll forward
to tuck it to sleep.

Dusk; tone sails the breath,
words tow underneath,

and soft blooms the nighttime,
adrift in memories and dreams.

The present and future tenses of some of these verbs give the atmosphere a more active (and the speaker a more prophetic tone) that I really appreciate. The slant rhyme with "breath" and "underneath," the rhymes of "streaked," "sleep," "dreams," and "underneath" demonstrate a greater improvement in craft on behalf of the poet, one that I'm growing more and more jealous over. And, the image, given, violent with the use of "Slash," is still an intimate one that appeals to all romantics at heart.

Excellent posting, Jack.

[Jack of Hearts]

Thank ye for the kindness, Ice. This reader recalls you like writing poetry too... but you haven't shared lately?








J