Kiddie Pool

[deryk]

I dreamed this.

I invite my friends
over to swim.
They roll up in their
Escalades and Bentleys.
White-golden cellulars
set to stun beside their
platinum sunglasses,
champing at the bits.

I clutch my comfort towel,
embarrassed. There it is.
My tiny inflatable pool,
faded blue on the gravel,
not fit to bathe their dogs.

I knot the tears into my stomach,
because I can't stammer an explanation.
They give me wry incredulous stares.
I must have a better pool somewhere.
This must be a mistake.

[IceM]

A poem on the pressures of friendship in spite of wealth differences--at least, that's how I see it. And I think it's effective.

"My tiny inflatable pool,
faded blue on the gravel,
not fit to bathe their dogs."

Enjoyed that especially.

[Haunted]

Deryk, I totally feel the peer pressure and how emotionally eroding the experience is. But I don't get how "I dreamed this" would add value to an incredible poem. I find it confusing, I can't connect it back to the end of the poem, unless you want to say the narrator actually does have a real pool but I don't think this fact is important. It's the feeling that's important. I also can't visualize "White-golden cellulars", unless you mean the white iPhones? Since you are going with brand names instead of "cars", I would do the same with the sunglasses, adding an expansive name brand.

My mind kicked into high gear and keeps seeing a slightly tighter version. Ignore it if it doesn't agree with your thoughts, I'm just throwing it out.


I invite my friends
over to swim.
They roll up in their
Escalades and Bentleys.
Quad core touchscreen cells,
set to stun beside their
Prada platinum sunglasses,
champing at the bits.

I clutch my comfort towel,
my stomach knots under
their wry incredulous stares.

There it is.
My tiny inflatable pool,
faded blue on the gravel,
not fit to bathe their dogs.


By putting the narrator's emotions and the stares first, you are building up the suspense — why are you feeling this way and what are they staring at? Then you drop the bombshell on the readers. I would take out "tears" and "embarassed", sentimentality weakens such an effective poem.

[deryk]

Deryk, I totally feel the peer pressure and how emotionally eroding the experience is. But I don't get how "I dreamed this" would add value to an incredible poem. I find it confusing, I can't connect it back to the end of the poem, unless you want to say the narrator actually does have a real pool but I don't think this fact is important. It's the feeling that's important. I also can't visualize "White-golden cellulars", unless you mean the white iPhones? Since you are going with brand names instead of "cars", I would do the same with the sunglasses, adding an expansive name brand.

My mind kicked into high gear and keeps seeing a slightly tighter version. Ignore it if it doesn't agree with your thoughts, I'm just throwing it out.


I invite my friends
over to swim.
They roll up in their
Escalades and Bentleys.
Quad core touchscreen cells,
set to stun beside their
Prada platinum sunglasses,
champing at the bits.

I clutch my comfort towel,
my stomach knots under
their wry incredulous stares.

There it is.
My tiny inflatable pool,
faded blue on the gravel,
not fit to bathe their dogs.


By putting the narrator's emotions and the stares first, you are building up the suspense — why are you feeling this way and what are they staring at? Then you drop the bombshell on the readers. I would take out "tears" and "embarassed", sentimentality weakens such an effective poem.
How does an adult capture a childhood dream as the voice of a child passing through the adult? I agree with your points, but had trouble reconciling them as I was writing this. Thanks for the critique Haunted.

And thank you for your input as well Ice.

[Delta40]

A dream about peer pressure and very well written. lol.

[Buh4Bee]

I skipped this one. I love dreams that inspire! have them myself from time to time.

[Hawkman]

Hi Deryk. I really like this poem but I would agree that the first line is unnecessary, it takes the edge of the visceral and sets it at one remove, sort of negates the point of writing in the present tense. Personally I thought:

"They roll up in their
Escalades and Bentleys.
White-golden cellulars
set to stun beside their
platinum sunglasses,
champing at the bits."

was stunning. I think the reference to precious metals works extremely well.

The only line I have difficulty with is:

"I knot the tears into my stomach"

a) because I don't know whether to read it as tears as in crying or tears as in rips.
b) I can'd really imagine knotting either.

The overall effect of the poem is excellent though.

Live and be well - H

[deryk]

Thanks Delta and Buh4Bee!

Hi Deryk. I really like this poem but I would agree that the first line is unnecessary, it takes the edge of the visceral and sets it at one remove, sort of negates the point of writing in the present tense. Personally I thought:

"They roll up in their
Escalades and Bentleys.
White-golden cellulars
set to stun beside their
platinum sunglasses,
champing at the bits."

was stunning. I think the reference to precious metals works extremely well.

The only line I have difficulty with is:

"I knot the tears into my stomach"

a) because I don't know whether to read it as tears as in crying or tears as in rips.
b) I can'd really imagine knotting either.

The overall effect of the poem is excellent though.

Live and be well - H
I was hesitant about using tears because of the ambiguity as well. I think I was trying to combine metaphors: "stomach knots". I agree that the first line absolutely kills it, but I kept it because my foremost concern was honesty during the writing process...youthful innocence and all that hoodoo voodoo. Thank you for your thoughts Hawkman.

[Haunted]

Deryk, I missed the grown up perspective and the boyhood dream connection. Like I said just ignore my ramblings if it doesn't fit your schematics. Doesn't alter the awesomeness of the poem.

[smerdyakov]

Hi. Nice little poem. I especially like s2. It's a little on the short side though.
Never trust anyone who drives a bentley :)