Biggus
11-21-2011, 07:24 AM
MY LEAST FAVOURITE THINGS # 1
Manicured whiskers and piercings thru noses
Tattoos on arses of butterflies and roses
Lisp making tongue studs and silly lip rings
These are a few of my least favourite things
PICKUP # 4
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Wow that dress looks good on you”
You can compliment her
“But laying on my bedroom floor
It would look even better”
CELTIC PRIDE
The Celts are a proud lot
As they’ll tell you like as not
But when the Romans came to stay
The Celts up and ran away
That is exactly what they did
They ran away and hid
And there they stayed on their own
Until the Romans left for home
Then came the Vikings and the Danes
So the Celts ran away again
This noble race mild and meek
Happily playing hide and seek
Well so much for Celtic pride
Nobly running away to hide
Now don’t climb on your high horse
I am a Celt myself of course
And those who run away today
Live to run away another day
A DRIVEN WOMAN
I just got back from the airport
It was a journey of some import
I had to drive the mum in law
Normally a rather onerous chore
But I volunteered this time
And no I had not lost my mind
She was going home hip hip
So it was more of a pleasure trip
HAND HOLDING
I always hold my wife’s hand when we’re out
People thinks it’s so romantic, but its not
I hold her hand all the time because I know
That if I let it go she’ll start to shop
PEARL ANNIVERSARY
After thirty years of marriage
To celebrate our anniversary
My wife and I
Went back once again
To our honeymoon hotel
And this time it was I
Who chose to sit alone
In the bathroom
And cry
MEDICAL MIRACLE
I’ve avoided most diseases
Nature has deployed
But I’m suffering the effects
Of a life well enjoyed
Now I keep twenty doctors
Gainfully employed
WE HAVE A WATER BED
We have a water bed at home
It was a birthday gift for me
I call it my seductive oasis
My wife calls it the Dead Sea
THE ORIGINS OF DANCE # 1
If Scottish dancers
Come from Scotland
And Irish dancers
Come from Ireland
Are Lap dancers
From Lapland?
THERE ARE THREE WORDS
There are three words
No one ever wants to hear
When they are making love
They are “I’m home dear!"
MY LEAST FAVOURITE THINGS # 2
Rotund young women as round as they’re tall
Frumpy old maids with no dress sense at all
Middle aged women who think its still spring
These are a few of my least favourite things
THE CRUEL FACTS OF LIFE
I asked my thirteen year old
If he understood the facts of life
But his complete over reaction
Shocked me and my wife
The boy burst into tears and yelled
“Don’t tell me I don’t want to know”
He put his hands over his ears
Saying “I’m not listening no, no, no”
When my son had calmed down
I asked him what was so scary
He said “when I was seven, you said
That there was no Tooth fairy”
“Then when I was nine, you said
That there was no Easter bunny”
Last year you said that Santa Claus
Was really you and mummy
Now on the eve of my manhood
If you’re going to tell me
That adults don’t have sex
You may just as well shoot me
THE MERITS OF FERRETS
The merits of ferrets
Are the traits he inherits
For hunting the rabbit
In the place they inhabit
THE QUIZZICAL SON
A young boy comes home from school
And addresses his father quizzically
"Dad, what's the difference between
Theoretically and realistically?"
His Dad considered for a moment
Then replied "this calls for a demonstration,
Go and ask Mum if she would sleep with
Ed Balls for a million pound remuneration"
The son raced off to ask his mother
Quickly returning with what he’d found
"Dad she said she would sleep with
Ed Balls for a million pounds"
His Dad considered for a moment
Then replied "Ok another demonstration,
Go and ask your Sister if she would sleep with
Ed Balls for a million pound remuneration"
The son raced off to ask his mother
Quickly returning with what he’d found
"Dad she said she would sleep with
Ed Balls for a million pounds"
His Dad considered for a moment
Then replied "Ok one final demonstration,
Go and ask your Brother if he would sleep with
Ed Balls for a million pound remuneration"
The son raced off to ask his mother
Quickly returning with what he’d found
"Dad he said he would sleep with
Ed Balls for a million pounds"
"Well there’s your answer, we could
Have three million pounds, theoretically.
But as it turns out what we have is
Two slappers and a homosexual, realistically."
THE ORIGINS OF DANCE # 2
If Scottish dancers
Come from Scotland
And Irish dancers
Come from Ireland
Are Pole dancers
From Poland?
I LOVE YOU DARLING WARTS AND ALL
I love you Darling warts and all
Though I can’t seem to recall
When we first met at the mall
And we chatted in the food hall
You ever mentioning warts at all
PUT DOWN # 48
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “hey doll can I buy you a drink”
Ignore him, only reply if he persists
“Maybe you'd be less boring if I got to know you,
But I am not willing to take that risk”
EVERYONE NEEDS A HOBBY
Everyone needs a hobby
And my dad is no exception
He has built up a rather large
Empty bottle collection
There is a name for it
It’ll come to me in a tick
It’s on the tip of my tongue
Oh yes he’s an alcoholic
IT’S A BLESSED MIRACLE
It’s a blessed miracle
I've been in love with the same woman
For more than fifty years!
It’s a greater miracle
That my wife has never found out,
If she did it would end in tears
RUDELY AWAKENED
I leapt up out of bed,
And I opened the door
In my pyjamas,
Wow I’d not noticed it before
What a very odd place
For there to be a door
A REAL HUMDINGER
A man made a boast
It was a real humdinger
“I can turn this duck
Into a soul singer”
He repeated his boast
Despite being mocked
And made a wager
That left them shocked
They took the bet
That was a real humdinger
To see him turn a duck
Into a soul singer
He said as he took the duck
That he called Mr Smithers
“Now I’ll put it in the microwave
Until its bill withers”
MY LEAST FAVOURITE THINGS # 3
Mono browed women with un-waxed moustaches
Wearing tight leggings too small for their asses
Fat sausage fingers and huge bingo wings
These are a few of my least favourite things
THREE LITTLE FISHES
Three fish in a tank,
One says to the other ones
I'll drive the thing
If you two man the guns
A WEASEL AND A STOAT?
What's the difference between
A weasel and a stoat?
They can both be used
To make a fine coat
So that’s not the answer
Well no need to lament
One's weasily recognized
The other stoatly different.
EIN GANG
Just a little heads up
When everything's coming your way,
Don’t get too cocky
You’re just in the wrong lane. Ok?
FURRY, FURRY DICE
Furry, furry dice
Nodding dogs that nod all day
Look out on the motorway
With eyes that know the despair in my soul.
Hold-ups on the hills,
Stretched for miles like bitter pills
Take a break because tiredness kills
The signs say all across this land
To the tune of Vincent by Don McClean
PUT DOWN # 47
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “Wow that dress looks good on you
But it would look even better on my bedroom floor”
Just thank him and say “No problem,
I’ll send it to you when I don’t wear it anymore”
I LOST MY JOB TODAY
I lost my job today, I was sacked
My boss finally drove me to the brink
So I said “Shhh, just listen to the sound
Of nobody caring what you think”
Manicured whiskers and piercings thru noses
Tattoos on arses of butterflies and roses
Lisp making tongue studs and silly lip rings
These are a few of my least favourite things
PICKUP # 4
When you’re on the pull
If you want to break the ice
Say something funny
Or say something nice
Be devastatingly witty
Or say something clever
Be complimentary
Or just lie in your endeavour
“Wow that dress looks good on you”
You can compliment her
“But laying on my bedroom floor
It would look even better”
CELTIC PRIDE
The Celts are a proud lot
As they’ll tell you like as not
But when the Romans came to stay
The Celts up and ran away
That is exactly what they did
They ran away and hid
And there they stayed on their own
Until the Romans left for home
Then came the Vikings and the Danes
So the Celts ran away again
This noble race mild and meek
Happily playing hide and seek
Well so much for Celtic pride
Nobly running away to hide
Now don’t climb on your high horse
I am a Celt myself of course
And those who run away today
Live to run away another day
A DRIVEN WOMAN
I just got back from the airport
It was a journey of some import
I had to drive the mum in law
Normally a rather onerous chore
But I volunteered this time
And no I had not lost my mind
She was going home hip hip
So it was more of a pleasure trip
HAND HOLDING
I always hold my wife’s hand when we’re out
People thinks it’s so romantic, but its not
I hold her hand all the time because I know
That if I let it go she’ll start to shop
PEARL ANNIVERSARY
After thirty years of marriage
To celebrate our anniversary
My wife and I
Went back once again
To our honeymoon hotel
And this time it was I
Who chose to sit alone
In the bathroom
And cry
MEDICAL MIRACLE
I’ve avoided most diseases
Nature has deployed
But I’m suffering the effects
Of a life well enjoyed
Now I keep twenty doctors
Gainfully employed
WE HAVE A WATER BED
We have a water bed at home
It was a birthday gift for me
I call it my seductive oasis
My wife calls it the Dead Sea
THE ORIGINS OF DANCE # 1
If Scottish dancers
Come from Scotland
And Irish dancers
Come from Ireland
Are Lap dancers
From Lapland?
THERE ARE THREE WORDS
There are three words
No one ever wants to hear
When they are making love
They are “I’m home dear!"
MY LEAST FAVOURITE THINGS # 2
Rotund young women as round as they’re tall
Frumpy old maids with no dress sense at all
Middle aged women who think its still spring
These are a few of my least favourite things
THE CRUEL FACTS OF LIFE
I asked my thirteen year old
If he understood the facts of life
But his complete over reaction
Shocked me and my wife
The boy burst into tears and yelled
“Don’t tell me I don’t want to know”
He put his hands over his ears
Saying “I’m not listening no, no, no”
When my son had calmed down
I asked him what was so scary
He said “when I was seven, you said
That there was no Tooth fairy”
“Then when I was nine, you said
That there was no Easter bunny”
Last year you said that Santa Claus
Was really you and mummy
Now on the eve of my manhood
If you’re going to tell me
That adults don’t have sex
You may just as well shoot me
THE MERITS OF FERRETS
The merits of ferrets
Are the traits he inherits
For hunting the rabbit
In the place they inhabit
THE QUIZZICAL SON
A young boy comes home from school
And addresses his father quizzically
"Dad, what's the difference between
Theoretically and realistically?"
His Dad considered for a moment
Then replied "this calls for a demonstration,
Go and ask Mum if she would sleep with
Ed Balls for a million pound remuneration"
The son raced off to ask his mother
Quickly returning with what he’d found
"Dad she said she would sleep with
Ed Balls for a million pounds"
His Dad considered for a moment
Then replied "Ok another demonstration,
Go and ask your Sister if she would sleep with
Ed Balls for a million pound remuneration"
The son raced off to ask his mother
Quickly returning with what he’d found
"Dad she said she would sleep with
Ed Balls for a million pounds"
His Dad considered for a moment
Then replied "Ok one final demonstration,
Go and ask your Brother if he would sleep with
Ed Balls for a million pound remuneration"
The son raced off to ask his mother
Quickly returning with what he’d found
"Dad he said he would sleep with
Ed Balls for a million pounds"
"Well there’s your answer, we could
Have three million pounds, theoretically.
But as it turns out what we have is
Two slappers and a homosexual, realistically."
THE ORIGINS OF DANCE # 2
If Scottish dancers
Come from Scotland
And Irish dancers
Come from Ireland
Are Pole dancers
From Poland?
I LOVE YOU DARLING WARTS AND ALL
I love you Darling warts and all
Though I can’t seem to recall
When we first met at the mall
And we chatted in the food hall
You ever mentioning warts at all
PUT DOWN # 48
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “hey doll can I buy you a drink”
Ignore him, only reply if he persists
“Maybe you'd be less boring if I got to know you,
But I am not willing to take that risk”
EVERYONE NEEDS A HOBBY
Everyone needs a hobby
And my dad is no exception
He has built up a rather large
Empty bottle collection
There is a name for it
It’ll come to me in a tick
It’s on the tip of my tongue
Oh yes he’s an alcoholic
IT’S A BLESSED MIRACLE
It’s a blessed miracle
I've been in love with the same woman
For more than fifty years!
It’s a greater miracle
That my wife has never found out,
If she did it would end in tears
RUDELY AWAKENED
I leapt up out of bed,
And I opened the door
In my pyjamas,
Wow I’d not noticed it before
What a very odd place
For there to be a door
A REAL HUMDINGER
A man made a boast
It was a real humdinger
“I can turn this duck
Into a soul singer”
He repeated his boast
Despite being mocked
And made a wager
That left them shocked
They took the bet
That was a real humdinger
To see him turn a duck
Into a soul singer
He said as he took the duck
That he called Mr Smithers
“Now I’ll put it in the microwave
Until its bill withers”
MY LEAST FAVOURITE THINGS # 3
Mono browed women with un-waxed moustaches
Wearing tight leggings too small for their asses
Fat sausage fingers and huge bingo wings
These are a few of my least favourite things
THREE LITTLE FISHES
Three fish in a tank,
One says to the other ones
I'll drive the thing
If you two man the guns
A WEASEL AND A STOAT?
What's the difference between
A weasel and a stoat?
They can both be used
To make a fine coat
So that’s not the answer
Well no need to lament
One's weasily recognized
The other stoatly different.
EIN GANG
Just a little heads up
When everything's coming your way,
Don’t get too cocky
You’re just in the wrong lane. Ok?
FURRY, FURRY DICE
Furry, furry dice
Nodding dogs that nod all day
Look out on the motorway
With eyes that know the despair in my soul.
Hold-ups on the hills,
Stretched for miles like bitter pills
Take a break because tiredness kills
The signs say all across this land
To the tune of Vincent by Don McClean
PUT DOWN # 47
Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
If he says “Wow that dress looks good on you
But it would look even better on my bedroom floor”
Just thank him and say “No problem,
I’ll send it to you when I don’t wear it anymore”
I LOST MY JOB TODAY
I lost my job today, I was sacked
My boss finally drove me to the brink
So I said “Shhh, just listen to the sound
Of nobody caring what you think”