Catch

[deryk]

Well some people are like
animals trapped on a hot stove-top
unable to respond to faces
and
reduced
to their biological certainty.
They may stew and whimper
but
the instigators keep on braising.

They seek
not beauty,
only cardboard
airholes.

And
I wanted you dead so badly
my hands trembled so badly
I couldn't thread the bullet
into the receiver
fast enough.

I dropped the first two.

I crammed the sight against
your bloody nose that was
ugly from the second you were born.

Breathing halts.
I'm well-hung like the AIDS virus.
I close my ears,
steady my rhythm,
and gently whisper,
"catch."

[Hawkman]

This reads like two poems to me Deryk. The first two strophes don't really progress into what comes after. I'm not keen on the repetition of badly in S3 and I think this strophe would read better as:

"I wanted you dead so badly
my hands trembled
and I couldn't thread the bullet
into the receiver
fast enough."

I'd start the poem Catch with this stanza. The first two are good mind, but they are a complete thought in themselves. I feel they are too far distanced by generality to pair comfortably with the visceral and the personal. Give them their own title.

Live and be well - H

[hillwalker]

I agree with Hawk that this poem seems to consist of several unconnected bits - the animals 'trapped (?) on a hot stove-top' I couldn't picture no matter how extended the metaphor (stewing and braising a little too forced) - then the cardboard box complete with air holes - then the hunter (lover?) fumbling the bullets - the ugly 'bloody nose' (Why?) - and the sexual connotation of the closing verse.

It's a bit of a muddle - with nothing much in the way of progression from one image to the next. I just feel the last 4 lines deserve something better to be associated with.

H

[Bar22do]

Derek, I liked "people (...) reduced to their biological certainty", but like hill and hawkman think there are at least two poems here and both would benefit from some revision, though it seems to me that I feel how the first, general part introduces the second, the emotional.

[Delta40]

I like how the piece becomes progressively more emotional, causing me to question 'why?' Why did you want her dead so badly?

[deryk]

This reads like two poems to me Deryk. The first two strophes don't really progress into what comes after. I'm not keen on the repetition of badly in S3 and I think this strophe would read better as:

"I wanted you dead so badly
my hands trembled
and I couldn't thread the bullet
into the receiver
fast enough."

I'd start the poem Catch with this stanza. The first two are good mind, but they are a complete thought in themselves. I feel they are too far distanced by generality to pair comfortably with the visceral and the personal. Give them their own title.

Live and be well - H
thanks Hawkman,
There is a degree of separation, especially given the change to first person. I suppose the first part is like sublimation or rationalization and the second is action. I'm not sure how to make that transition more apparent.


I agree with Hawk that this poem seems to consist of several unconnected bits - the animals 'trapped (?) on a hot stove-top' I couldn't picture no matter how extended the metaphor (stewing and braising a little too forced) - then the cardboard box complete with air holes - then the hunter (lover?) fumbling the bullets - the ugly 'bloody nose' (Why?) - and the sexual connotation of the closing verse.

It's a bit of a muddle - with nothing much in the way of progression from one image to the next. I just feel the last 4 lines deserve something better to be associated with.

H
thanks Hillwalker,
Where I grew up, my grandparents would trap animals and very quickly convert them into sustenance on a kitchen counter-top, so I guess I'm biased in my understanding of the metaphor. Could a rewording improve it?

The rest is unmitigated emotion. I have no problem admitting the poem is quite formless. A mentor of mine persuaded me to write without intentions. So, this poem is my answer to that request.

Although, as I explained to Hawkman, there is supposed to be some minor continuity. How might I express that without destroying what is?


though it seems to me that I feel how the first, general part introduces the second, the emotional.
thanks Bar, that's precisely what I was trying to convey, although it didn't seem to turn out so clearly.


I like how the piece becomes progressively more emotional, causing me to question 'why?' Why did you want her dead so badly?

thanks Delta, I suppose the secret is buried in the sauce of the first two stanzas. I'll see what I can do about it.

[hillwalker]

Trapping animals and preparing them for consumption I'm conversant with - but presumably by the time they reach the hot stove-top they have been plucked, skinned or whatever and made ready for cooking, so I'm still unsure how the term 'trapped' fits the context

I can see some faltering progression from the image of a dead creature killed for the pot to the object of the narrator's desires (his 'catch' presumably) but where does stanza 5 fit in?

H

[deryk]

but presumably by the time they reach the hot stove-top they have been plucked, skinned or whatever and made ready for cooking
And therein lies that unique experience I was suggesting.




I can see some faltering progression from the image of a dead creature killed for the pot to the object of the narrator's desires (his 'catch' presumably) but where does stanza 5 fit in?

H
Narrator is creature. Bloody nose is human antagonist dominated by narrator's firearm.

I'm not used to writing about violence so I didn't want to further explicate I suppose. My mistake.

[hillwalker]

Narrator is creature. Bloody nose is human antagonist dominated by narrator's firearm.
I'm not used to writing about violence so I didn't want to further explicate I suppose. My mistake.

No mistake...
Aha - light bulb flashes on inside reader's brain. I didn't get the change in point of view from a description of the hunted to the hunter.

H