a baby's breath

[kittypaws]

NickyD went to the store
to purchase milk for
his young baby stork.

the owl flew over head
and the crows fled.

the clouds grew heavy
the sky dark and gloom.

and out of it came a baby's
breath into the night.

screaming with fear
unknown love of life.

Mother's breast
comforted it so

That the young one cooed;
freed from stress.



kittypaws

[MystyrMystyry]

Interesting Kitty. Pleasant images.

I don't like to criticise your pieces but I think this may need a slightly stronger ending and/or a bit more meat in the middle. You've got the milk in the first stanza and bring it full circle by the end, but there's the central brewing storm which doesn't resolve other than hinting that it's something to fear, and a quick suck on a tit makes it go away.

Unless I'm missing something - and I think I am because you indicate that of the storm the baby was born, so why would the baby be scared of its parent? I mean the crows have fled so the first dangerous image is gone, leaving just the storm - but what sort? Heavy wind and rain, or thunder and lightning? I want to feel the storm, to know how scary it is - so a bit of a roof tearing off, trees swaying at ninety degrees sort of thing. Then the peace and calm at the end makes sense.

Or the end needs to feel more satisfying rather than just float there. I mean there's seven billion of us and we've all been breastfed, so... ..?

If it's the emotional connection between mother and child you want to convey then after reading all the way down I feel I deserve at least a metaphor instead of just a statement. As it is it's unfinished

(You can ignore this if you want, but

[hillwalker]

This one confused me no end as well - perhaps because there are two (or possibly even three) separate poems fighting each other to be heard here.

First of all - who is NickyD and why do we need to be told his name? Is he a person or a stork? Is it some kind of fairy story where birds go to the shop to buy milk? I think we need more help here...

L3 needs trimming - 'his young baby stork' - since the baby's unlikely to be old we don't really need the adjective 'young' - it's a redundant word.

In the second little couplet (rhyming unlike the rest of the poem) you're still describing the world of birds but it's a bit flimsy. It reminded me of "the cow jumped over the moon" nursery rhyme for some reason.

The next couplet - 'dark and gloom' though grammatically dodgy is quite an effective phrase.

But then we get the baby coming out of the dark sky... how? or even why? It's like you decided you quite like the phrase 'baby's breath' so were going to include it in the poem no matter whether it fits or not. It's rather a large leap from V1 to 2/3 to 4 and I'm sorry, but there's nothing that ties them together.

The final 3 couplets celebrate the comfort a baby gets from its mother's breast following the trauma of birth presumably - but I haven't a clue what it has to do with the rest of the poem.
If the baby (stork?) is being breast fed why go to the store to purchase milk anyway??

Some of us seem to be going through a fragmentary period on here judging by the number of poetry snippets posted over the last few days and this follows a similar pattern. On its own it isn't a cohesive poem, more like a series of false starts in need of completing.

H :-)

[kittypaws]

Interesting Kitty. Pleasant images.



(You can ignore this if you want, but

Mystyr...I never ignore anything you say!

Thank you for the read and comments. Yes you are correct...it needs to be tied in better; it needs more.

I think I am trying too hard to be honest.

kitty

[kittypaws]

This one confused me no end as well - perhaps because there are two (or possibly even three) separate poems fighting each other to be heard here.


Some of us seem to be going through a fragmentary period on here judging by the number of poetry snippets posted over the last few days and this follows a similar pattern. On its own it isn't a cohesive poem, more like a series of false starts in need of completing.

H :-)

Hill....you know I appreciate your comments and your time. I just told Mystyr I think I am trying too hard.

I have been wallowin’ in words, stuck without a connecting train or perhaps I just lost my ticket. Like the ten year old who is kicking up dirt onto his wet Sunday shoes; I am searching for something and I just don’t know what it is.

Fortunate for me and not so much for you all I am not a quitter and soon my muse will return.

But until then I have found descriptive writing helps. I am sure all of you jot down phases, experiences, thoughts into journals. I call my journal scratching ‘passages’ as one day they will lead some where. I would like to start such a post. I will post it in general writings as that seems the most logical.

As always, looking forward to hear from all.

“The only way you learn is to fall down and have the belief to stand back up” ~ Amanda Curtis

[Bar22do]

Kitty, Kitty! It's not such a big fall, this one. And inspired or not, your effort has the three classical parts: beginning, drama and end. We have a new life, this life is in danger, but all ends well.
Your poem needs revising, but what you're up to is interesting; don't throw it so fast. I always love to read you and feel privileged whenever you let me/us share your beautiful, sensitive world (inner and outer).
Hill and MM gave you some great constructive guidance, I believe you can easily raise this poem above where it got stuck. Give it a little time then come back with it, all new.
I'm glad to read you're not a quitter! Be well and I'm looking forward to reading you soon again! Bar

[hillwalker]

Kitty - it's good that you jot something down as soon as it springs to mind. If you don't it can be lost forever. Having said that, this looked like an attempt to fit two or three separate jottings into one concise piece that have no real business being together.

In my experience writing doesn't work like that. You have to keep your jottings in a dark box for a month or so before taking them out again and seeing what new growth has sprouted. A jotting is a springboard to something better not a work of art in itself.

Good luck with your new venture and no, never quit...

H

[beautiful_heart]

Hey! I enjoyed the images that you use in this poem. Its nice and could be more better if you will take care of the things that Hillwalker and mystery told you above. :-)