Deceiver

[Delta40]

I looked for you
amidst the traffic and chaos
of rush hour living.
Desperately pushing
my way through the crowd,
I sidestepped safety for deluded hope.
Where were you?
I searched tirelessly
across dazzling headlights
and skipped over puddles
till I ran out of breath.
I leaned against lamp lit corners,
shrouded in the foggy dimness
while fragmented memories of you
showered down and soaked my spirit through.
My tears got lost in the deluge.
Remnants of your paternal love
gurgled down the storm drain.
You were always in my thoughts honey.
Only see, all I have left now is
drenched worn out shoes.

[cafolini]

Very good.

[Buh4Bee]

This is very moving. I'm moved bu these words.

[DocHeart]

I love this. I can see the girl, I can see the cars, I can see the city. I can see the absence, and I can see the girl panting, breathless, leaning against a damp wall.

Nice alliteration here:

showered down and soaked my spirit through

And in the end, being "thought of" is truly not enough. What about action -- like running around in the rain amidst traffic so that shoes (and probably feet, too) experience some serious hardship?

Best,
DH

[Delta40]

Thanks for your comments and I am glad it was so visual.

[Haunted]

Heart wrenching. I didn't get the title at first but then it hit me. Loved ones promised they will always be here for us and when they die, there's always that little part of us blaming them for breaking that promise and abandoning us when they die. The road and rain aptly depict a psychological journey.

[Hawkman]

I found this a well penned and affecting poem, Delta. The only quibble I might have with it is the line:

"I leaned against lampost lit corners"

as lamp posts can't really light things. Lamp lit or street lit perhaps, but rather than tell us what is lighting the corner, why not describe the quality of the light. tricky though, not without extending the line or spoiling its pace.

There is both resentment and sadness in these lines, but the emotions they evoke are visceral. potent stuff.

Live and be well - H

[Delta40]

I found this a well penned and affecting poem, Delta. The only quibble I might have with it is the line:

"I leaned against lampost lit corners"

as lamp posts can't really light things. Lamp lit or street lit perhaps, but rather than tell us what is lighting the corner, why not describe the quality of the light. tricky though, not without extending the line or spoiling its pace.

There is both resentment and sadness in these lines, but the emotions they evoke are visceral. potent stuff.

Live and be well - H

Good point Hawk. I'm terrible at editing after the fact but I hope the change doesn't detract from the quality of the poem.

[Hawkman]

I think it not only makes more sense but reads better with the change. :)

[Bar22do]

Made me breathless! so vivid memories of a significant absence!

In:

You say I was always in your thoughts
but all I have left now
is drenched worn out shoes.

how about:

"Oh, yeah, I was always in your thoughts,
only see, all I have left now is
drenched worn out shoes."

not sure, just a thought, plus my best.

[Delta40]

Made me breathless! so vivid memories of a significant absence!

In:

You say I was always in your thoughts
but all I have left now
is drenched worn out shoes.

how about:

"Oh, yeah, I was always in your thoughts,
only see, all I have left now is
drenched worn out shoes."

not sure, just a thought, plus my best.

Not a bad suggestion.

[deryk]

This is the spitting image of a recurring nightmare I have. I can't even comment on the poetic aspects it's so remarkably similar.

[IceM]

[QUOTE=Delta40;1090657]
shrouded in the foggy dimness
while fragmented memories of you
showered down and soaked my spirit through.
/QUOTE]

This quote is what makes the ending powerful. The speaker, soaked through with the rain (if I may, allow me to continue the metaphor) and, subsequently soaked through with fragmented memories, is left with only memories. Nothing tangible, nothing of substance. The ability to persevere is one of Man's greatest qualities, but the memory of what was makes it difficult to escape what will never be.

Excellent job.