November Fragments

[DieterM]

1

You’re gone,
you surely are,
or not?

What’s left:
a candle flickering
on a mound of earth

So tell me, why
would there be drizzle
on my face?


2

And in that hazy vision,
the train came to a stop
in a curve

Through the mist,
a lonely cow,
crossed a grey field

A cow, gazing at me,
chewing the cud,
looking solid and thoughtful

And I was thinking, too,
and wondering whose thoughts
could make a difference


3

The frail silhouette
of a young man
in an unlit room,
a tight turtleneck
encasing a bony chest,
a pullover as black
as the man’s eyes
and mood
while he’s considering
dark love
that he might hide
forever


4

Things I could do without…
tedious paperwork for soulless administrations,
appointments with the doctor who might tell me,
walking through cold rainy days,
parents and their kids agglutinated in front of an infant school,
and near empty Gin bottles

[blank|verse]

These are effective imagistic pieces, Dieter, and enjoyable to read.

1 - is nice and tight, and lets the reader work out the scene.

2 - I'm really not keen on the repetition of 'was it?' in each stanza. I see what you're trying to do, but maybe just an 'I think' or somesuch at the start would give the reader a clue that the narrator's recollection might not be completely reliable. Perhaps also you could really tighten things up, like line 5: 'Through the mist, a cow'.

3 - reminds me of the 'Robinson' poems by Weldon Kees; very film noir-ish.

4 - 'agglutinated', eh? Kees, Kafka, Dostoevsky - and even Philip Larkin - all spring to mind here, with an outsider narrator clearly at odds with the world. The way we're not told what the doctor 'might tell' is effective. Good poems, Dieter.

[Hawkman]

I'd agree with b/v ;)

[DieterM]

Thanks to both of you. You were right, b/v, the cow-vision needed some tightening up; and when re-reading it, I suddenly wasn't so keen on the repetitions of doubt either. And yes, I swear, parents and their kids do agglutinate in front of that infant school each morning, so thoroughly (and mindlessly) that there's hardly any chance to pass by without bumping into someone. "Step aside" (or any sign of politeness) is no great feature with French kids anymore. Or is it that my generation, taught to say "Thank you" and "Excuse me" and "Good morning" has been imported from some alien planet?