Brook

[sunshinefish]

BROOK

I came across a playful brook,
the beauty of it filled my eyes.
Its wondrous waters gently flowed,
Meandering through her velvet tones.

Sunlight augments her beauty more
Than; reflecting colours; rainbow glass.
Enthralled I run my fingers through
transparent beauty; all her own.

So gently does she mesmerise,
whilst never still she plays her song.
Seducing me I can but go
in innocence to her entice.

I lie against the waters edge
and bring her beauty to my lips.
I'm helpless, in her tender hold;
and yet, I am in paradise.

[Jack of Hearts]

Hi sunshinefish. Thanks for coming aboard and writing with us. This was a fine first post. It seem it could be about a brook, or perhaps a play on the girl's name 'Brook.' This reader wants to give you two pieces of feedback.

The first is about the use of old 'fancy' language. Words like 'whilst' and some of the old school phrasing didn't really help this reader understand your poetic message- they were mostly distracting, so why not cut them all together? Why not use the beautiful language you would naturally use?

The second piece of feedback is related to the first. Sometimes playing with language gets in the way. This reader doesn't have a definite idea what this poem is about, but it's a tribute to whatever that something is- a person or an actual broke. But it's not really clear how the narrator interacts with this object- what is 'rainbow glass'? How can the narrator run his/her fingers through 'her beauty,' and why is that beauty 'transparent'?

Sometimes a poem is like a maze. It's pretty cruel to lure a reader into it and expect them to figure it out with little or no help- but at the same time, it wouldn't be good if you took away the discovery altogether. It's about being subtle, finding the right balance.

There are a lot of good posters on these forums lately. By reading them and the advice they give and receive, you'll most likely come to terms with your own talent and make some truly wonderful poetry. Thanks for sharing this piece, and this reader hopes you share more here. And welcome!








J

[Delta40]

I liked this ambiguous piece although the past and present are a little tangled

[hillwalker]

I actually read this as a literal description of the writer relaxing at the river's edge

- the 'rainbow glass' presumably referring to the play of light on the water's surface, and running fingers through 'her beauty' is presumably the act of dipping hands into the stream itself.

Having said that, one or two phrases are a little awkward -

how can the stream flow through her velvet tones?

and - I can but go/in innocence to her entice doesn't make a lot of sense.

But it has a simple charm that allows one to perhaps read more into it than was originally intended.

Keep at it, BUT as Jack says try to avoid archaic or 'fancy' expressions. They rarely add anything useful to a poem and often suggest the writer is desperate to be taken seriously.

H