Waiting For an Answer

[Apostrophe]

Although I hardly dared to ask,
the question left my lips,
floating beyond grasp.

It caught in the tangle of power lines
above our heads, hanging balloon-bright
between us. I wished for it back.

You took my hands, studied white palms
as though looking for answers.
At last you kissed them: left and right,
across my life-line, branding skin
with the murmured words:
"Move on."

A cold rush, then a swirling gust
lifts my question free, releasing it
into the refuge of blue.

[PrinceMyshkin]

The voice here is wonderfully one that treats its readers as confidantes, but there are problems in the focus. Initially there's an apparent contradiction between "I dared to speak my mind" and "The question escaped my lips" (emphases added).

And the reference to "the blue" at the end is a problem for me, in that there are two widely used references to blue: sadness and, in "the blue" to the sky as an overarching mystery. I can't make out whether the speaker (a female, one assumes) refers to "the blue" in a hopeful or a philosophical acceptance of the regretful.

[Apostrophe]

Prince, good call about the second line; it needed more intention. As for the double connotation of blue, that's why I chose it. It's a bittersweet poem, and I was hoping it would speak of both freedom and loss...

[blank|verse]

There are some wonderful images in this poem Apostrophe, which is a great first post on the site.

I love the question hanging 'balloon-bright', the 'tangle of power lines', and disappearing into the 'refuge of blue' is brilliant, semantically and acoustically - there's a nice assonance between the words.

But there are weaker moments as well - mainly the cliches 'you took my hand in yours', 'I held my breath'; and I felt putting the 'answer' as a separate stanza makes it sound too melodramatic. If you just tighten bits it would make for an even better poem. Just watch your use of adverbials like 'At last' (which starts two lines close together), and perhaps you could tighten the last stanza:

A sudden cold rush,
a swirling gust, lifted my question
with a shudder. It found its way free,
disappearing, finally,
into the refuge of blue.
to something like:

A cold rush, a swirling gust,
lifted my question free
as I watched it vanish
into the refuge of blue.
Either way, I think I'd like to see the stanzas arranged more regularly but this a wonderfully imaginative poem. I hope you'll also find time to comment on other people's poems on the site.

[Jack of Hearts]

This does have 'the touch' about it. Agreed, a great first post.

Just for a bone to chew on, there seems to be parts of this that could be cut away, a little bit. This would not only help your readers along but also intensify what you think is the most important language in the piece.

But this reader thinks maybe you can ignore that advice, because he feels your overall direction is good and promising.






J

[Apostrophe]

Thanks for the help, blank & jack. I re-worked some of the lines, I'm hoping it's tighter now. Second opinions are welcome!

[blank|verse]

Yes, that tidies things up a bit, Apostrophe.

I think you should still consider writing the last stanza as a single sentence. The image is of the question-balloon floating free – a continuous motion - so it would be nice to reflect this in the syntax of the poem by having a continuous sentence. I think also the two pronouns close together in 'It found its way' is a bit of an awkward construction and could easily be avoided.

But that's just something to think about as ultimately it's up to you, of course.

[Buh4Bee]

Yes! What a great poem. You can tell it has been worked on. Very articulate indeed.

Not to get personal, but if it helps you to move on, good for you. I say that is a healthy approach to ending dead end relationship. Move on!

[Apostrophe]

Reworked it again... I'll sit on it a bit and see how it feels...

[PrinceMyshkin]

Although all the other changes improve the poem, I'm still impeded in my reading by

I dared to ask.
The question left my lips,
floating beyond grasp.

and wonder whether it ought to be:

Although I hardly dared to ask,
The question left my lips...

and though I think I can make something out of the relevance of the whiteness of her palms, I don't think the wondering is worth the temporary alienation from the flow of the poem.

On the other hand, his kissing her palms, left and right, across her life-line, is an immediate, cogent image of the effect he has had on her.

[Apostrophe]

I think you're quite right about the first line, Prince. Your version captures the hesitancy and is less forceful... yes, I think I'll do that.

[blank|verse]

Dare I say it, but I prefer the original opening line! It makes for a snappier opening, and I think the resolve of the narrator tells us it's something he's had to work up to, or else it wouldn't be worth saying. Again though, it's up to you.

But just one last thing Apostrophe - please break the third stanza into two separate tercets (three-line stanzas)! You could even be a bit clever and have 'across' as the last word of the stanza (but I'll settle for them without):

You took my hands, studied white palms
as though looking for answers.
At last you kissed them: left and right, across

my life-line, branding skin
with the murmured words:
"Move on."