Waves

[Odette68]

The weeping clouds drip tears of pain
Into my painful eyes
Waves lash against me angry insane
The anguish of the future hears my cries.

A grey November shroud envelops me
Shingles roar so angry on the shoreline
In my solitude I am so happy I feel free
Light dazzles me..the darkness so divine.

I walk in darkness where death lurks
I know no fear in these roaring waves
I fear only other humans and their smirks
Neanderthals just fit to live in caves.

I'm so tired of idle gossip and jealousy
Such conduct is the very pits to me.

[Jerrybaldy]

I dont want to steal Hillwalker's thunder but after a while here most rhymes seem inevitably forced. It can rarely be coincidence that the next line or line after happens to rhyme. The pay off isnt worth the inevitable compromise. My first poem here rhymed, but it comes at a cost. Only an opinion, the imagery was still good.

[Buh4Bee]

For me, November is the worst month. This poem speaks to me for that one reason. I like the poem on many levels, the darkness or lack of light and dark moods.

[hillwalker]

To follow on from Jerry's response - some of this poem is actually very good for a first post... verse 2 in particular, but there are a few traps you might want to avoid before writing your next one :

1) Many new writers believe lines have to rhyme in order to make a poem a poem. Obviously that's not true - and forcing rhyme (where you end up writing rather strange sentences) is 100 times worse than no rhyme at all.

'the darkness so divine' and 'humans and their smirks' in particular tend to prove my point. What can possibly be divine about the darkness?? and surely there are more insidious human vices than smirking.

2) There's some rather careless repetition that sticks out:

- 'pain' (L1) and 'pain-ful' (L2) and 'angry' (L3 and L6).

In poetry it's a general rule that every word has to count - so having words
repeated in such a short piece is unfortunate unless it's intentional. I'm guessing in your case it wasn't.

3) Writers who haven't much imagination often insert redundant words into a line of poetry to add a syllable (in order to maintain the metre).
I'm not sure that's your reasoning here but why 'so angry', 'so happy', 'so divine' and 'so tired'?
Since you haven't written this in a strict beat it doesn't really matter if some lines are shorter than others so tightening some of them wouldn't be a bad thing.

and 4) There are one or two expressions that clash with the elegant subtlety of the poetry - L12 and L14 in particular are a bit desperate.

But overall a fair attempt - keep writing.

H

[Odette68]

for your comment. I am just learning to write poetry...I write what I feel.

You may feel there is nothing divine about darkness...I adore the darkness...darkness comforts me.

[Odette68]

For me, November is the worst month. This poem speaks to me for that one reason. I like the poem on many levels, the darkness or lack of light and dark moods.
Thank you B4B for your comment...I do not like dark sombre November day's...I love the darkness to envelope me on a stary night though.

[Odette68]

I dont want to steal Hillwalker's thunder but after a while here most rhymes seem inevitably forced. It can rarely be coincidence that the next line or line after happens to rhyme. The pay off isnt worth the inevitable compromise. My first poem here rhymed, but it comes at a cost. Only an opinion, the imagery was still good.

Many thanks for your comment.

[Odette68]

To follow on from Jerry's response - some of this poem is actually very good for a first post... verse 2 in particular, but there are a few traps you might want to avoid before writing your next one :

1) Many new writers believe lines have to rhyme in order to make a poem a poem. Obviously that's not true - and forcing rhyme (where you end up writing rather strange sentences) is 100 times worse than no rhyme at all.

'the darkness so divine' and 'humans and their smirks' in particular tend to prove my point. What can possibly be divine about the darkness?? and surely there are more insidious human vices than smirking.

2) There's some rather careless repetition that sticks out:

- 'pain' (L1) and 'pain-ful' (L2) and 'angry' (L3 and L6).





In poetry it's a general rule that every word has to count - so having words
repeated in such a short piece is unfortunate unless it's intentional. I'm guessing in your case it wasn't.

3) Writers who haven't much imagination often insert redundant words into a line of poetry to add a syllable (in order to maintain the metre).
I'm not sure that's your reasoning here but why 'so angry', 'so happy', 'so divine' and 'so tired'?
Since you haven't written this in a strict beat it doesn't really matter if some lines are shorter than others so tightening some of them wouldn't be a bad thing.

and 4) There are one or two expressions that clash with the elegant subtlety of the poetry - L12 and L14 in particular are a bit desperate.

But overall a fair attempt - keep writing.

H



having read and re-read your constructive critique...I will endeavour to take your advice on board.

[Fellsman]

Hi Odette68

I came to this site as I have been told to expect no-holds barred critique, which is such an aid to self improvement. In this modern era where we can simply edit in a word processor, it is a comfort to know that most of Lord Byron's work ended up in the waste paper basket. So I guess there is hope yet for us all.

Regards

Fellsman