two poems

[Lyn05]

Flower

That yellow flower
So small, frail, thin
And dead.

It's head, once adorned with
succulent petals,
now droops with a greyish hue
shriveled up and dry,
as if curling into itself
to hide its shame.


The Dance

So we'll dance on that checkered floor
to the violins, the cello, the trickle of the piano.
Twirling, smiling, chatting, laughter in the air,
We could forget, and let it all go.

We'll dance our way across the room,
till the sun makes way for the moon.
Your hand in mine, we'll keep our faith.
And never let go.

[hillwalker]

I prefer the second of the two - 'the trickle of the piano' an unexpectedly effective expression.
The second verse is a little bit cheesy but it has potential.

But I believe the first poem could be improved by some tightening up, and the removal of the final line in the first verse. Once you tell us it's dead there's nowhere left for the poem to go.

H

[blank|verse]

I'm in agreement with hillwalker. The figurative moment at the end of 'Flower' is stronger than preceding images (although I'm not sure 'shame' is quite right to describe a dying flower, but some other human quality would work, I think). Perhaps there's a haiku, or just a shorter version of this that can be chiselled out of these lines.

And the 'trickle of the piano' is very nice.

[My2cents]

These poems are perfect as far as I'm concerned. No need to change a thing.