Mapped Out

[Delta40]

I watch the squiggly lines
crawl across the metro map
thinking how the distance
between us has grown

You say bus routes
aren't capable of connecting on time
with train lines
when we purchase separate tickets

My bus slows to a stop
at the corner store
while your overnight sleeper
speeds along, threatening to derail

In the hustle and bustle of a station
you insist an underpaid porter
shoulder your baggage
without so much as a tip.

[Hawkman]

Hi Delta. I like this poem which says a lot very simply. I wonder though, if you need S2. I'm not 100% sure that it adds much to the poem's narrative, and its rhythm feels out of place, sort of disrupts the flow. That last stanza says a lot about the "other" but I wonder if you could have come up with something more original than "hustle and bustle". The last point isn't that important though.

Live and be well - H

[Jack of Hearts]

This poem is a bit on the 'telling' side and this reader thinks you gave up some great opportunities for wonderful description. But even still, the statement it makes is admirably focused and not forced down the reader's throat.






J

[Haunted]

I really like where this is going, pardon the pun. The metaphor of growing apart works so very well, bus vs train. Two different line of travel, two separate lives.

The last stanza may explain the growing apart, but to me it's yet is a new route that gives life to another poem altogether.

[Jerrybaldy]

Great Deltaesque analogy. You could actually drop S1 asnd S2 and this would still work. The direct reference to having grown apart in S1 took away the fun of decyphering the rest but still a great read.

[Apostrophe]

Nice analogy. I think it would be more interesting to figure it out without the last two lines in the first stanza, though. The ending was especially good; one suspects it isn't only the porter who is used and underappreciated...

[kittypaws]

Perhaps it is just me....but I think one writes of inner feelings as that allows us to let them escape. If this is so then I send hugz your way...and even if it is not so....well hell's bells I still send hugz to you Delta.

I found this poem very sad, as time moves on so do many of us in our relationships with someone who may have been 'special.' but it just doesn't click any more.

Close one door and open another....your sun rise awaits You.

I obviously thought this was well spoken!!

best to you Delta ~ :smile5:

kittypaws

[cafolini]

Great Deltaesque analogy. You could actually drop S1 asnd S2 and this would still work. The direct reference to having grown apart in S1 took away the fun of decyphering the rest but still a great read.

:iagree:

[Delta40]

Thank you all.