To The Other with Love

[abdullah kurraz]

To the Other with Love

The Earth, the Sun and the Moon
Human valuables for you and me
The plants of the earth are a bless of the sky
The heat of the sun is yours and mine
The light of the moon is our souls

Give me a smile, I reply soon
Air and water are our live glee
My kids and yours have an eye
Targeting the hands full of shine
Radiating passion invading our soles

Squash hatred, enmity and the loon
Fill the heart with meaning of life
I wait your hands to hug mine
My eyes send hellos to yours
My morning longs for songs

By the sea with the waves and boon
I send home love to your trees
Hate not me, not you, not them
But devil, evil, and the bad
We are the good of the shrine


by Dr Abdullah Kurraz

[Jack of Hearts]

It's a good first post (at least, it's the first post this reader has seen from you).

Some of the phrasing is a little strange, though. And many ideas were not fleshed out- why are our souls the moonlight? In what way? Why or how do we own the heat of the sun? Did you mean to type 'sole' instead of 'soul'?

Anyways, even if it's not entirely cohesive, it's got a positive vibe about it.






J

[hillwalker]

Unfortunately there are so many inappropriate word choices here that they detract from any 'message' you might have been trying to convey. I spent most of the time mentally correcting what you have written which is not a particularly enjoyable exercise:

valuables - did you mean variables? it might make more sense...

a bless - should be a blessing...

our live glee - ???... and I could go on...

English is obviously not your first language and unfortunately in this instance your attempt to create something poetically profound has not been very successful.

H

[abdullah kurraz]

Thank you both Hillwalker and Jack of heart for your objectively expressed replies on my humble poem. It seems that there is a sort of cultural and thematic gap between your own understanding and mine on the issues I am trying to convey and communicate to my readers, I confess that my English Language is not my sole mother tongue, yet there are a lot of bizarre images in the form of conceits and metaphorically extended structures and phrases. I included a number of ideas through the images that the poem presents. I am not sure which theoretical approach you both have applied to explicate my humble poem!!! I might have misused some of the words that could be put in a direct and ordinary way so that readers can grasp and apprehend. Anyway, the original text is in Arabic and I have tried to translate it into English the way I read the source text. I AM NOT THAT EXPERT IN WRITING ENGLISH POEM.
Sorry for any inconvenience I may bring to your mind.
Best
Abdullah Kurraz

[Buh4Bee]

Maybe helpful to let people know it's an attempt at a translation. Your right in the sense that there may be an Eastern verses Western cultural divide.

It does sound rather awkward to the English speaker's ear. The reason for this is not necessarily the meaning of the poem, but the word choices and awkward phrases.

[hillwalker]

No inconvenience - and translating a poem from one language into another rarely succeeds in conveying the nuances of the original.
But in this particular case your command of English is a stumbling block. It's not a case of us not undertanding the cultural references and themes in the poem - it's a case of not being able to understand the expressions used.

H