peace

[peter7805]

Peace

Oh peace

Do I know you?

Tell me who the hell you are

I think you are a stranger to us

The air we breathe

Is full of the smoke of warfare

The water we drink

Is mixed with the people’s blood bare

The sun is darkened by the cloud

The trees are not green any more

The land is cursed to be a nightmare

The birds’ feathers are burnt in the air

Oh peace

You are a dream of our broken hearts

You are such a happy place that is far

The killing never stops from the old times till now

The crying of women and children ever lasts but how

It is the beasts inside humans that come out



And the weapons are made to be sold out

And the bombs are exploded aloud near the house

And the lives are vanished to see the god

And the souls are wandering but lost

And upon the civilization is a huge frost

Oh peace

Tell me where you are

Now I am sad and going to die

Do I have to fight to the last breath?

Believing that you are the thing that’ll be there

Oh peace

Now let me die with my eyes gazed

And I will wait and see it take place

[hillwalker]

I admire the sentiment behind this poem – someone seeking peace in a world where conflict seems to be the norm. But there have been hundreds of poems written about war or peace and you don’t really have anything new or original to say on the subject.

Also the way you begin the poem is rather odd – addressing ‘Oh peace’ suggests you are trying to emulate some classical ode, but then you shatter that image by asking ‘Tell me who the hell you are’. The two styles just don’t go together at all. If you really want to write something from the heart I suggest you use everyday language rather than relying on archaic expression.

There are also many awkward lines that must have been included to maintain rhyme. Perhaps you believe poetry is supposed to rhyme.

In this line for example – Is mixed with the people’s blood bare – there’s no reason to stick the word ‘bare’ on the end of it because it’s meaningless, but it does rhyme with ‘warfare’ so…

Similarly the following 3 lines don’t make a great deal of sense –
And the weapons are made to be sold out / And upon the civilization is a huge frost / Now let me die with my eyes gazed

I would suggest you forget about trying to write poetry that rhymes until you have decided exactly what it is you want to say.

You might also bear in mind that wanting peace is not enough reason to write about wanting it – it’s a bit like the answer most Miss World contestants used to come up with when they were asked if they could have one wish what would it be. Most used to say ‘World Peace’ as if it would make them appear humane and caring, but of course it made them appear shallow instead.

This poem’s a bit like that – I'm sure your motives for writing this were genuine but it feels like you wanted to write something profound without giving very much thought to the matter.

Keep writing but try and find something a little more personal to write about for now...

H

[peter7805]

thanks for your reading and commenting !thank you very much!and i will keep writing and thanks for your advice! !

[peter7805]

I admire the sentiment behind this poem – someone seeking peace in a world where conflict seems to be the norm. But there have been hundreds of poems written about war or peace and you don’t really have anything new or original to say on the subject.

Also the way you begin the poem is rather odd – addressing ‘Oh peace’ suggests you are trying to emulate some classical ode, but then you shatter that image by asking ‘Tell me who the hell you are’. The two styles just don’t go together at all. If you really want to write something from the heart I suggest you use everyday language rather than relying on archaic expression.

There are also many awkward lines that must have been included to maintain rhyme. Perhaps you believe poetry is supposed to rhyme.

In this line for example – Is mixed with the people’s blood bare – there’s no reason to stick the word ‘bare’ on the end of it because it’s meaningless, but it does rhyme with ‘warfare’ so…

Similarly the following 3 lines don’t make a great deal of sense –
And the weapons are made to be sold out / And upon the civilization is a huge frost / Now let me die with my eyes gazed

I would suggest you forget about trying to write poetry that rhymes until you have decided exactly what it is you want to say.

You might also bear in mind that wanting peace is not enough reason to write about wanting it – it’s a bit like the answer most Miss World contestants used to come up with when they were asked if they could have one wish what would it be. Most used to say ‘World Peace’ as if it would make them appear humane and caring, but of course it made them appear shallow instead.

This poem’s a bit like that – I'm sure your motives for writing this were genuine but it feels like you wanted to write something profound without giving very much thought to the matter.

Keep writing but try and find something a little more personal to write about for now...

H
thanks for your reading and commenting !thank you very much!and i will keep writing and thanks for your advice! !