Good Morning

[Jack of Hearts]

Morning on a winter's day
bright-washed with brilliant skies.

Morning, with her fingertips
draws upon the ice;

childlike dreams, gentle things,
patterns left in ice.

Morning colors, bright like
bronze cymbals as they strike-

she is loud,
but she is right-

there's no longer room for night.

[Buh4Bee]

Excellent! So elegant, simple and sweet. Should be part of a children's book of verse.

[Jack of Hearts]

Delete.

[Jack of Hearts]

this is my room,

these are my books,

angles, crevice, crams and crooks.




this is my room,

i live here, dear,

and outside, shadytree

sometimes i never leave



angles, crooks and crams and crevice

oh my lord and good heavens

if they knew

of what words with i play,

what sentences escape




i'll die here one day,

a new coat of blood where the paint glows,

crooks, crams, crevice, angles.

[Jack of Hearts]

As always, thanks for reading Buh4Bee. It's really great interacting with you on these forums. Maybe you'll post a poem of your own soon? You seem like you've got it in you...






J

[Jack of Hearts]

It's opened up;
dip your cup
in the pour of love.

Sweeter than wine,
hungry swallows
barter for breath-
your heart and mind,
and tightening chest.

To be consumed,
or cork the next;

the poor of love
and their poor corked necks.

[deryk]

Morning on a winter's day
bright-washed with brilliant skies.

Morning, with her fingertips
draws upon the ice;

childlike dreams, gentle things,
patterns left in ice.

Morning colors, bright like
bronze cymbals as they strike-

she is loud,
but she is right-

there's no longer room for night.

Wonderful synesthetic transformation of bright dreams into sound.

[Buh4Bee]

Thanks for the compliment.

One should not assume I am not writing, just because I do not post or share. Thank you for the encouragement though.

[expressionism]

hey jack you write seriously good poetry. amazing, mature stuff!

[hillwalker]

I think 'Good Morning' is a wonderfully evocative portrait of winter - great imagery painted with a subtle touch (though I'm not sure why 'she is loud/but she is right').

The jury is out on the other pair - more a case of playing around with words and rhyme than having very much to say. Perhaps a work in progress.

H

[DocHeart]

Morning on a winter's day
bright-washed with brilliant skies.

Morning, with her fingertips
draws upon the ice;

childlike dreams, gentle things,
patterns left in ice.

Morning colors, bright like
bronze cymbals as they strike-

she is loud,
but she is right-

there's no longer room for night.

This is most evocative. Who is "she"? Is this a father writing about his daughter? I imagine him trying to catch a few more minutes of sleep before getting up on a Sunday, but the kid will have none of it. It's morning, dad. Wake up. Come out. Let's do "day" stuff. I don't know if I got it right, but it fills me with optimism.

The poem is technically advanced, but doesn't shy away from playing with rhythm ("bronze cymbals as they strike" -- I like hearing the first word as having two syllables, "bronzeh"). Somebody used the adjective "synaesthetic" -- well said. Loud visual percussion.

Thank you, my dear Jack, for continuing to contribute.

Regards,
DH

[qimissung]

I'm in agreement-Good Morning is beautiful and playful. Such striking imagery! Children would love it.

[Jack of Hearts]

Thanks for reading everyone. Maybe the other two weren't up to par... but we're learning here.

Thanks for the praise, expressionism. The author promises you they're all accidents.

hill- you probably nailed it. Writing them 'felt' different. This writer understands a little bit more about whatever that means with every attempt. Also, he wussed out on the open mic night that he told you about.

DocLove- thanks for reading. Your interpretation was highly entertaining and great to read. It's also justified and somewhat intentional (though not wholly... you really picked the ball up and did a good job with it).

qimissung- Thanks for peeking in. You come by so rarely that when you do leave a comment, this reader thinks that he must have accidentally done a really good job. It's always a pleasure to have your readership.






J

[blank|verse]

Yeah, I really liked 'Good Morning'. I wonder if you might consider changing its title to 'Morning on a Winter's Day' and going straight in with the image, and avoid the redundant repetition of 'morning' (and watch the repetition of 'ice' as well), like this:

Morning on a winter's day

Bright-washed with brilliant skies.
Her fingertips draw upon the ice;
Whatever, it's certainly the strongest of the three. Keep writing, Jack.

[Jack of Hearts]

Thanks bv- your poet's nose seems right on the scent. It'd probably be hard to sneak a mis-step past you. Thanks for reading.

A lot of great responses from great readers. It's an embarrassment of riches.








J

[Bar22do]

powerfully evocative... I'll get back to it soon... am traveling. sorry for being so brief.

[Bar22do]

have just re-read your poem, Jack of Hearts, it's such an unpretentious little piece of light! (of winter light!) thanks again!

[Jack of Hearts]

Thanks for reading, Bar.





J

[paperleaves]

Beautiful post.

[Jack of Hearts]

Thanks, paperleaves.








J

[jajdude]

Keep it up J. There's a goldmine in you.

[Jack of Hearts]

Too kind, dude.






J