All those years -

[Bar22do]

The edited draft has a new title and a few changes:


Even now

that the throb of your wrist has stopped,
we are cradled in the gothic arms
of our native town.

Invested in Mahler more
than in real estate,
we thrilled to his Chinese flutes,
were dying of the same questions.

All those years -

our spell aged, swelled,
a step behind us,
loyal guard all the same -

we walk in time’s scent, or

stand, bold trees
clutched like ribbons at a cliff chest,
oblivious to the chasm

and hurry home when the scar
of the day begins to weep.

(original: )

All those years –

even now that your wrist’s throb is still -

we're cradled in the gothic arms
of the town of our youth.

Invested in Mahler more
than real estate,
we thrilled to the sound of his flutes,
were dying of the same questions.

All those years -

our spell aged, swelled,
a step behind us,
loyal guard all the same -

we walk in time’s scent, or

stand, bold trees
clutched like ribbons at a cliff chest,
oblivious to the chasm

and hurry home when the scar
of the day begins to weep.

[Jack of Hearts]

This is very fine.






J

[cafolini]

Good idea of the Karma. Liked it.

[XQZ]

You have such a way with twisting idioms and using words in ways that conjure new senses of them they fly past the few you choose into another realm.

[Delta40]

I agree with the above and I love how one can feel the lapse of time during the reading. well crafted Bar.

[PrinceMyshkin]

This is so filled with vibrant images that every once in a while I was struck by the thought that this image or that could have made an entire poem.

[Bar22do]

Thanks a lot Jack of Hearts, cafolini, XQZ, Delta and Prince. Best regards, Bar

[blank|verse]

This is quite a fragmentary piece, Bar - like the fragments of memory just returning to the narrator, tense shifts and all, which works quite successfully - the dashes of course suggest Emily Dickinson. The yearning tone also suggests Thomas Hardy to me, although the style is very different.

I think I preferred to more tangible first half of the poem to the more abstract second, but the tone of the poem is maintained well. But I do have to pull you up on your use of apostrophes again, I'm afraid! I think "wrist's throb" is a bit of a mouthful, particularly for the opening line. However, it's an evocative poem.

[Bar22do]

Thank you B/V, the poem was meant as fragmentary, glad it partly worked for you.
Now, pull me up every time I deserve it, but would "the throb of your wrist" be really English? I could say simply "even now that your pulse is still", but this is reads flat, doesn't it.
Thanks for your review again, and my best regards, as always. Bar

[kittypaws]

Bar a very moving poem....written well. I especially liked "stand, bold trees
clutched like ribbons at a cliff chest,
oblivious to the chasm"

It is as it the roots of all that was will forever be.

hugz ~ kittypaws

[Bar22do]

Thank you, kitty, you're always so kind. hugzzzz back! and my good wishes. Bar

[symphony]

Thank you B/V, the poem was meant as fragmentary, glad it partly worked for you.
Now, pull me up every time I deserve it, but would "the throb of your wrist" be really English? I could say simply "even now that your pulse is still", but this is reads flat, doesn't it.
Thanks for your review again, and my best regards, as always. Bar

English is my shaky second language, but yeah I think I wouldn't like to see "your pulse is still" in there either. If you want to give it a bit more literal sense, however, you might consider turning it to: "..that the throb of your wrist has stopped", as the "throb" literally opposes "stillness". Without the word "still" in there, the "throb of your wrist" sounds good (and correct) to me.

[Bar22do]

thanks a lot symphony, I'll certainly consider your option when I revise again! and thanks for reading my effort! best of all, bar

[blank|verse]

Hi Bar - yes, what you've put is grammatically accurate, but you might want to consider dropping the first word 'that'. I think my issue is more with the word 'throb', so maybe you'd like to think of a possible alternative word or expression, something that ties in with other images used, although I see how the 'wrist' links with the 'arms' of the town. Just a thought.

[Bar22do]

Hi Bar - yes, what you've put is grammatically accurate, but you might want to consider dropping the first word 'that'. I think my issue is more with the word 'throb', so maybe you'd like to think of a possible alternative word or expression, something that ties in with other images used, although I see how the 'wrist' links with the 'arms' of the town. Just a thought.

hmm, "pulse" would link it with music... I'll think of more. thanks again, B/V, best!

[Delta40]

I like both versions. You can please some of the people some of the time....!

[Bar22do]

Thanks for your good word, Delta! actually I want to improve my writing more than to please and am easily influenced just because I'm never sure of my English, I'm afraid... but symphony is right, a still throb is not a throb anymore... Which both versions do you like? do you mean "pulse" and "throb", or the previous and the present drafts of this poem?

[Delta40]

well pulse and throb worked for me. I didn't think either detracted from the poem itself. I originally posted that I liked the first version and this second reads equally well as far as I am concerned. You're one of my favourite poets so maybe I'm biased?

[Bar22do]

well pulse and throb worked for me. I didn't think either detracted from the poem itself. I originally posted that I liked the first version and this second reads equally well as far as I am concerned. You're one of my favourite poets so maybe I'm biased?

How come, Delta, I'm barely a limping candidate for poetry... but your appreciation is encouraging for sure... thank you.

[Delta40]

I like the intensity which seeps through your work