women

[expressionism]

3.11.2011
~

if they are beautiful
you can be sure
they own a gun

if they are sexy
they will have
a corpse in their cellar

if they are smart
they will know
when you were lying

if they are holy
they will make you pay
for their kisses

if they are wise
they will treat you
like a child

if they are foolish
they may have a
beautiful soul anyway

if they are good
they will touch your heart
and make it bloom

if they are old
they will be with us anyway
and still think we're really silly

[Jack of Hearts]

This is a fine offering. There are parts of it that are really interesting. This readers two favorites were the first about owning a gun and the second to last about a touch blooming your heart. A few of them seem a bit trite or unsophisticated by comparison to these more interesting ones.

A great first post, and a promise of better things to come (this reader hopes).






J

[Haunted]

The first two stanzas are flamingly awesome and really got my attention, after that it sizzles out. The last stanza is just gratuitous, imo. Either beef up the other stanzas, or flip the order, lose the lasts stanza and end it with those 2 opening stanzas. Then you've got a winner.

[Delta40]

Some nice expressions but I also get the impression the women described are being put in a box!

[hillwalker]

I agree with all the above that this loses its impact towards the end - the last 3 verses suggested you had run out of steam, and that closing stanza is particularly weak. But the first two show great originality of thought and really grabbed my attention. The rest of it can be remedied if you so wish by some trimming.

As for putting women in 'a box' - well that's what guys tend to do unfortunately - or on a pedestal.

H

[osho]

3.11.2011
~

if they are beautiful
you can be sure
they own a gun

if they are sexy
they will have
a corpse in their cellar

if they are smart
they will know
when you were lying

if they are holy
they will make you pay
for their kisses

if they are wise
they will treat you
like a child

if they are foolish
they may have a
beautiful soul anyway

if they are good
they will touch your heart
and make it bloom

if they are old
they will be with us anyway
and still think we're really silly

I may agree with you philosophically or not but poetically you are great and few can write in the degree and manner you did in this beautifully written piece. I too write poems with different themes and yet the kind of melody, flow and rhythm you have in your poem is not attainable to me at the moment and I have to go a long way to match up to you. This is enigmatic, mystifying

[Buh4Bee]

I liked it. I think is OK to make generalizations about women for this kind of poetry. The advice from the commenters is often sound. You may want to think about some more editing, changing some words or trimming. But personally, I think you have a good start- good foundation to rework a bit, if you feel like it.

[cafolini]

Agree with Delta.